Sunshine and Inspiration

I just noticed that the last time I wrote, it was kind of a lousy day. That has long since passed. It was just a good reminder that I have to be firm and keep at it.

Meanwhile I found my old colleague through the internet and we’ve been in touch. That was a nice twist! So the lousy day was good. Otherwise I wouldn’t have watched the movie, thought about her, and tried to find her.

The sun is shining and it certainly gives the day a bright outlook. The other night I went to see the new film with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. It was fun. As I walked home, my thoughts wandered — as they usually do after a film. Suddenly the thought occurred to me: Hope is important, but you need to be able to imagine things as well! I’m not quite sure where it came from, but it certainly makes sense!

In other words, vague hope is not enough. I need a picture of what I want to accomplish, how I want things to be. Just to say: “I want things to change. I don’t want this anymore.” That won’t do the job.

So that’s on my mind these days. Once again, I am picturing what it is that I want, how things need to look when they have changed. Of course, it’s still one step at a time.

Kind of a lousy day

That’s how I would describe yesterday. It didn’t get off to a bad start, but in the afternoon and early evening I had stuff with my dear daughter. That put me in a bad mood. Later on, I thought to myself: Well, it’s 2 steps forward, one step back. Things were a bit better lately, and this episode was just a helpful reminder that I have to keep on track and not loosen up. That’s it.

To improve my mood, I decided to check out what was available on the pay TV. It was rather cold outside and the local movie didn’t interest me, so the home cinema was a good option. What did I find? Desperately Seeking Susan!

I’d seen that film when it first came out — was it 1984? A friend from work had an appointment early in the morning the next day — in Manhattan, and she lived in New Jersey. So I invited her to spend the night at my place. We did some shopping. She decided to buy a new dress for the next day at work. Yes, back then we wore dresses and skirts to work! And in the evening, we went to the movies.

Last night was a fun trip down memory lane. It’s a fun movie — with Madonna way back when. I also enjoyed seeing Manhattan back in the 80ies, back when I used to live there. It is a document of an era.

By the time I went to bed, I was in a better mood. It’s just another typical case of the ups and downs in life. And teenage daughters make it that much more interesting. Just because we had a prolonged argument doesn’t mean that the whole day was lousy. Just part of it.

Turning Points

For quite some time I was convinced that the turning point to recovery came when I finally took the physics final I put off for a year. On that day I got the insight: “I am enough.”

Through recent correspondence with a few readers, I came to a new realization. The above turning point was when I became symptom free. But there was another, extremely important turning point that occurred nearly ten months prior to that one.

It was December or January and I was at an all-time low. I was sick and tired of bingeing and vomiting, and I said to myself: “I’ve had enough of this!!!” I acknowledged that I could not do it alone. The previous 12 years were proof enough of that. And so I decided that I was willing to do whatever is necessary to recover. I wanted therapy. That same day I found an ad in the newspaper: “Group therapy for women with bulimia/anorexia.” I called, went for an individual consultation, and joined the group.

I dropped out of school for a semester. I decided to allow myself as little stress as possible, so I could focus on recovery and whatever was needed to achieve it. I signed up for a few activities that truly interested me. Little by little, step by step, I took actions towards the huge goal of recovery.

It was all that work and willingness along the way that led to the realization ten months later: “I am enough.” So, no, it won’t happen over night. It doesn’t. Recovery is a process — with ups and downs and all the stuff of life. It’s just one aspect, one dimension, one tangent in the experience.

Since then, there have been several turning points — in areas other than food. It seems as if my life is a series of turning points. One thing leads to the next, and there’s generally something pivotal to set it off. That keeps me moving along the path.