Progress

In keeping with the enlightening revelation I received at the monastery this week, I am paying more attention to food and sleep. During a buddhist meditation I had the insight that in order to function, I need adequate nourishment and sleep. Since I moved, I tended to be very sloppy, was often too busy to eat, and the cats were keeping me up at night.

For the past few days, I’ve had a hot meal a day, and last night I had the great idea to close my door — one cat out in the hall, one in my room. Lo and behold, they were quiet until 4 am! And then again until 7:30! Almost a whole night’s sleep.

It’s really strange about the cooking. For years I resented the fact that my husband and I have totally different ideas about a good meal. He put down my grains and vegetables as “rabbit food” and I eventually gave them up. There was great anticipation about being able to cook and eat as I please when I move. But what was the reality? I was too busy or didn’t feel like it.

It’s all a matter of getting back into the habit. A few days ago I had a plastic container of left over cut-up vegetables that I’d prepared for guests. I took out a frying pan, put in a couple of tablespoons of olive oil, tossed in the vegetables and 5 minutes later had a nice warm meal — with a good slice of whole wheat bread on which I spread some of the left-over tuna fish salad. Perfect!

Yesterday I cut up fresh vegetables, prepared them again with olive oil, and had an organic veggie burger as well. (I bought it.) Today I went out with a friend to a chinese restaurant for lunch — another hot meal with hot & sour soup, various vegetables, chicken, and fruit. Yum!

It seems so old-fashioned, but at least one warm meal a day really does make a difference. I eat to live, rather than live to eat, and I don’t like to make a fuss over food. However, lately I realize that it does need just a bit more attention. Eating well is also an important factor in taking care of myself. I tend to do a lot for my emotional and spiritual well-being, and neglect the physical. That is changing!

I hesitated to mention food, and hope no one will be upset or whatever, but I thought maybe it could be helpful just to mention what I eat. It’s just regular old food. There’s nothing magical or mysterious about it.

Lost some weight

With all the excitement of moving, a busy work schedule and the challenge of developing a new structure in daily life, I haven’t been eating enough. Last night a few friends came over for supper. One of them is a new friend, and she knows nothing about my disordered eating history. I mentioned that I’d lost weight through all of this, and she said it was perfectly understandable — almost a normal development.

It has been on my mind, as I came to the realization that I was starting to enjoy the fact that my pants are somewhat looser. That skinny demon is still hovering, and I need to be careful. Luckily, this week brought me to the renewed insight that I need enough nourishment and enough sleep to function at my best, and to enable recognition and implementation of the gifts that the universe sends my way.

Food has slipped into a totally functional role, and has slipped in its priority. I tend to skip meals because I’m too busy and forget, and then don’t get around to preparing a solid meal. Then I just eat something to offer fuel, but it’s not optimal. My goal for today is to pay more attention and spend more time planning meals, to establish a new routine. Nourishment is part of life. If I’m too busy to eat, it will catch up with me.

At first I was happy to return to the weight I had when I first moved out of the city. That was the weight that my body had settled at and stayed at for 16 years (with the exception of 2 pregnancies). The other day I weighed myself at work and was disturbed by the fact that it had dipped lower. But I simply accept that as a warning signal, an indicator that action needs to be taken.

No, I’m not going to stuff myself and try to gain a few pounds in the shortest possible time. I’m simply going to establish better eating habits, and trust that my body will adjust in its own time. I hesitated to write about this, but I do think it is worth mentioning. It surprised me to recognize that old familiar feeling of enjoying the fact that my clothes are looser. That is something that a recovered bulimic/anorexic will probably always have to deal with, any time her weight varies from the long-term recovery weight.

And now, enough talk! It’s time to cook some lunch!

Mistakes

Yesterday was a bit hectic at work — I think the changeable weather was to blame. In the chaos, I made a couple of small mistakes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I wasn’t pleased.

This morning the sun is shining. I got off night duty at 8:30, but hung around for another hour drinking coffee and chatting with colleagues and residents. As I drove home, I had a big smile on my face. Like my boss said: “This is a great job for perfectionists, because mistakes are inevitable.” Why the smile? Well, I realized I’ve learned a lot in the nearly one year since starting the job. I do it well, and am critical of the little mistakes, because I’ve become so competent. But there is always room for improvement. That’s what makes the job challenging.

And one day at work is never like the next. The residents (mentally handicapped) have ever changing moods, needs, and topics of conversation. Thus there is no danger of settling down into a routine. It keeps me on my toes, and that is good. I don’t want a boring job.

Last night the one mistake bugged me. But then I thought to myself: “Okay. You see that even you can be unnerved and unintentionally let something slip by.” It’s not such a big deal. Next time I bet I’ll do better. And all of us make mistakes now and then. I think it would be irritating if one colleague was perfect. Have a nice day!