Life goes on

It is an amazing cycle. Just when things seem to be on track and running smoothly, some new impulse comes along with a new challenge. Since I don’t expect things to stay calm, I am open to change and view the eruptions as possibilites for growth. That keeps me sane. Thus that momentary calmness of September has since transformed into turbulence and energy. Once again the outer events force me to take stock of the situation: Where am I? What am I doing? What needs improvement?

Synchronicity astounds me. Frequently I am confronted with issues in counselling sessions that are amazingly related to present experiences. My own challenges add depth and understanding, and the insight they bestow upon me is a valuable enhancement for which I am grateful.

Just when I thought I had it all together, I have recognized the pressing need for change. Big changes are in store. At first I felt a bit overwhelmed at the prospect. Yes, there is a strong tendency to try to hold on to what I have achieved and stay comfortable there. Yet the seed of discontent was sown and there’s no point in trying to deny it. Denial requires an immense amount of energy.

How to go about drastic change? I chose to rely on a trusted method. The goals are clearly formed in my head and brought to paper. They are positive, realistic and verifiable. I set the date by which they should be accomplished — at the latest. I prefer to be generous in that respect, because I am delighted if I attain the goal sooner than expected, but on the other hand don’t get so easily discouraged when things seem to be dragging along. I keep the big picture and the long-term process in mind.

I thought about all the “sub-goals” necessary to get there, and once again gave my self the task of one step every day. It never ceases to amaze me what a difference it makes when an ominous huge change is broken down into little steps. There are so many little things I can do along the way. What? I wrote a list of all the goals to be accomplished by a certain date. On the other side of the page, I wrote that date and then made a list of all the things that will be accomplished — as if I were already there. One day I woke up and decided to spend the day in the energy of having already accomplished everything — to see what it would feel like. Wonderful!

The steps can be small and not all of them have to feel like immense work. One day I chose to go for a walk in the forest with a dear friend. The fresh air and shared confidence did wonders! I called a friend I have known for 25 years and talked about it with her. That was also helpful. Generally the strength of close friendship is an extremely valuable “ressource” which I allow myself to use. Yet it is everything but one-sided. Through shared confidence, my friends also make valuable new discoveries for themselves. Each one of us is on her own path.

On the more practical side, I am also taking concrete steps in the outside world when possible. And of course I got my hair cut. That is always good. Today I’m going back again — my hair isn’t short enough yet. There is something renewing and cleansing about getting rid of the weight of long hair. And I find that the longer it gets, the “better behaved” I tend to be. It’s as if it turns me into the good little girl I no longer choose to be. Strange.

It is exciting and frightening, but the wealth of past experience comforts me and gives me strength. I remind myself of all I have accomplished up until now, that I have been through much worse and always manage to survive and learn from the process. And when those moments of fear get too close for comfort, I sit still for a moment, acknowledge the butterflies in my stomach and the tingling in the rest of my body and tell myself: “This is what change feels like.”

September

The smell of autumn is in the air. The mornings are cool, and in the evening it’s getting dark sooner. School started, but this year I only notice it because of my job. My children have chosen the path of working in the “real” world.

Last weekend an old friend came to visit. We had a wonderful time with lots of talking, hiking, and she met some of my new friends. On Sunday she asked me if I hadn’t thought about rearranging the apartment. The kids are gone and I was still living in one room. Yes, the idea had crossed my mind. But I didn’t know where to start.

That evening, plans swirled in my head. I drew a sketch and went to bed. The next morning I got started — and spent the next few days hard at work. Every spare moment and lunch break went towards change — and getting rid of old baggage. It feels good to take up more space, and it is helpful in the process of digesting all the changes in my life.

What a coincidence that my birthday will soon be here. The timing is quite appropriate. My father turned 77 a couple of weeks ago. We spoke on the phone and I laughed. I still love numbers. I said, “Oh, 7×7 is 49. That’s how old I will be!” He liked that — an easy way to remember how old I am. (As long as he doesn’t forget how old he is!)

Which brings me to the next issue: What to do on Sunday? There’s so much going on at the moment, I’m really not up for a party. It seemed like it would be unnecessary stress. Rather than worry about what everybody else expects, the question appeared: “What do I want?”

Thus I wrote the following email to a handful of women friends: “After careful deliberation, I have decided to bake a cake on Sunday. If there happen to be any goddesses in the vicinity, I would be happy if they stopped by. As of 2 pm I will surely be out of my pyjamas.” One friend wrote back immediately, delighted, and suggested they help me disassemble my daughter’s old loft bed so that the rearrangement could be completed. What a wonderful idea/offer!

Yesterday, during a group session at work, I introduced a formula for dealing with anger. First they wrote all the angry things that you’re not supposed to say on a poster. Then we proceeded to the next part, which is based on a model of communication by F. Schultz von Thun. There are four levels of communication, both for the sender as well as the receiver.

In yesterday’s example we had four steps:
First: What is the deal? (It’s my birthday and I don’t know what to do.)
Second: What effect does it have on me? (I feel stressed and tense, that people expect things from me. Maybe even resentful?)
Third: What does this mean for the relationship? (Some people might feel let down or disappointed if I don’t invite them.)
Fourth: What do I want? Or in case of anger at someone: “What do I want from you?”

This morning I realized that I had used that model to solve the birthday dilemma. Last night I pointed out that many of us tend to get stuck at the second step, and carry around guilt feelings and resentments, with no solution in sight. Often we don’t even realize it, but as a result might even tend to avoid people.

By moving on to the third and fourth steps, we can dissolve the discomfort. Even if we don’t declare what we want to another person, the clarity in our own minds can ease the tension and bring about change. It’s a matter of practice — whether big problems or small ones.

I asked if they remembered what it was like when they learned to drive? Gas, shift, clutch, lights, signs, one way streets, yield, in stressful moments accidentally turning on the windshield wipers. I remember doubting I would ever get the knack. But eventually I did. Sure enough, it became an automatic process.

Then it occurred to me that a couple of years ago, I was in a stressful situation (driving someone else’s car) and was in a hurry to back out of a parking lot while other people were waiting to drive in. What happened? The windshield wipers went on! I had trouble finding “reverse”. It was different than in my own car. My passenger asked: “Where is reverse?” Then I looked down and saw where it was. A moment of clarity! What helped? The question: “What’s the deal?”

I told my clients that little anecdote and said: “When in stress, breathe and ask the question. Then you can extricate yourself from the feelings (panic?) and take action.”

So that’s today’s little story. Now I have to get going, because I have a seminar today and tomorrow. If I don’t get groceries for Sunday organized today, there will be another problem to solve!

Thank you for asking me a favor

Lately it’s just one strange or unexpected thing after another. Yesterday evening I went to an outdoor concert. Hadn’t had any supper, but figured there would be something to eat at the concert. There was: Hot sausage with a roll. I’m more or less vegetarian and was suddenly very hungry, but not in the mood to beg for an empty roll with mustard.

A dear friend lives just two hundred yards away from the concert, so I called her and said: “Hi, I’m here at this concert and thought I would find something to eat, but there’s nothing here for me. Could you possibly make me a cheese sandwich?” Of course!

I left my partner standing there with our drinks (we weren’t allowed to leave the premesis with them) and walked over to my friend’s apartment. As she lovingly prepared — “Is one enough?” “Do you have enough bread? I think I need two!” — the sandwiches (dark bread, butter, thinly sliced cheese, fresh ground pepper and thinly sliced pickles), we had an intense chat and caught up on the latest excitement and developments in each other’s lives. She wrapped the sandwiches and gave me a few fresh tomatoes from her garden as well.

Full of gratitude, I thanked her and was ready to leave. Then she said: “Thank you for asking me! I think it is wonderful that you did. I will remember it when I am in need of something, and it will give me courage to ask!” I admitted that I’d felt a little funny at first, but was sooo hungry!

It may seem strange to write about this here, but it’s part of recovery and this little story contains various important elements: First of all, paying attention to one’s needs — in this case, hunger, but it could also be a need of affection, someone to talk to, a hug, a nap, a walk. The possibilites are vast. Then, once the need is recognized, it’s about taking the appropriate action to fulfill it. It was a Sunday evening and everything was closed. I immediately thought of my friend — as I associate her with that town — and called her. That was a step. It could have been that she had nothing to eat, in which case I would have sought some other solution — or gone hungry for a few hours. But since she has three granddaughters living in the same building who visit her daily, I figured she’s always got something to eat. I was right. Then there’s another element. She cut two slices of bread. I looked at them and thought: “I need more” — but was hesitant to speak up, but on the verge. Luckily, she asked me: “Is one enough?” I dared to say “No, I need two.”

So, up to now it’s very much about food, but it was food for the soul as well. I generally find it easier to give to others rather than ask favors (sound familiar?), and I certainly don’t want to be a burden. What happened during that experience? We had a nice visit. It was okay to be there in my need. The trust and friendship are there, so we both know I wasn’t taking advantage of her. In fact, it was wonderful to have that short visit! And she knows that I am here for her as well.

The best part, though, was when she thanked me for calling her. It’s ironic to think that by paying attention to and acting upon my own needs, I actually did something for someone else!

And yet I have experienced similar joy, for example when a different friend was visiting and feeling kind of down. We went for a walk in the forest, then I invited her to stay for dinner. She sat on a chair in the kitchen as I cooked, and we talked. (I assured her that I didn’t want any help cooking. It was a simple meal and would have been more work to delegate.) She expressed how comforting it was to sit there and observe the bustle of preparation and the sense of being taken care of, and I was happy to have her company.

Ah, the strange and unexpected fun one can have!