Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

Tomorrow morning, just as the sun is peeking over the mountains, I will be taking off for a weekend in the city. Since it’s a seven-hour drive, I have extended the weekend from Thursday to Monday. It is a wonderful feeling to pack my guitar and other necessities into the car, bid the children and husband farewell, then get settled in the driver’s seat, turn up the music, and go. For nearly five days, I am a free woman.

A dear friend stayed at my house for four days, then extended her visit for another few days in order to have some quiet time at a nearby monastery. The solitude is meant to help her sort things out and make some important decisions about her life. Yesterday she asked if she could ride with me, as she’d planned to take the train back to the city the same day. It was very difficult for me, but I had to refuse.

How do I explain to someone who lives alone, how jealous I am of my time alone? (I am married and have two young teenagers.) The drive is more than a means of travelling from one point to another. The minute I close the car door, my escape has begun. I can do as I please, think, listen to music, talk to myself, sing, and even be quiet for seven whole uninterrupted hours! No one can make demands on me. If the cell phone rings, the music is generally so loud that I don’t hear it.

It is not easy to say “No” to someone you really care about, someone who has been there for your ups and downs, who listens to your sad tale and doesn’t tell you that she’s already heard it five times before.  It does seem a bit shameful to be so selfish, but since I seldom go to the city, it really is a special journey. Besides, I have a lot on my mind these days.

I also need some time alone to sort my thoughts and make decisions. Eventually I’ll have things figured out and be more settled, not starving for solitude, and I will be happy to have someone in the car with me for that long drive. But not tomorrow!

It is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I’ve been thinking especially about how eating disorders take up so much of our valuable time and energy. The preoccupation with one’s weight and appearance, as well as acting out the behavior of the disorder can be a full-time job - in addition to the work done for a paycheck. When I was in the midst of acute bulimia, I spent hours buying food, eating it, and throwing up. One prolonged binge could last six to eight hours. Afterwards I was exhausted and in no shape to bother about more pressing concerns - whether my own or those of the world.
I’ve been thinking about the trap of falling for the impossible, unrealistic ideal body and getting caught up in the craziness of dieting. Sometimes I wonder, since anorexia and bulimia are predominantly female diseases (and I’m assuming that women still diet more and consume more diet products than men), if this preoccupation isn’t a ploy (supported by the media) to prevent women from realizing their true strength, which would enable them to play a more important role in their lives and in society. That’s just a thought I had today.
But rather than get caught up in conspiracy theory contemplations, I would like to think about the bottom line. After being symptom-free for so long, I’m still growing emotionally and would like to share a recent revelation. Once upon a time, I gave up on life. I gave up on myself. A shadow of that mood has haunted me all these years. Now I am ready to believe in myself and summon my energy to achieve all I possibly can in this lifetime.
To celebrate the awareness of eating disorders, I would like to reach out to other sufferers and tell them: You are entitled to enjoy your life. It’s not at all about what you “should” do, it’s about what you deserve. Go out there, get the help and support you need and live the life that is your destiny. I’s never too late! 

I salute Karen Carpenter, who died 25 years ago of complications during her recovery from anorexia. That day I was on my way up to my apartment and the two people in the elevator with me were talking about anorexia. I got paranoid, thinking they were alluding to me, then realized they were talking about her. I loved her voice. It was so rich and wonderful. Before she died, she had started to write her own songs and was headed in a new direction artistically. What a shame that she had to leave so soon. On Monday I saw that it was the anniversary of her death. That inspired me to finally sit down and start working on this project. After all, time waits for no one.