Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

There were so many songs of substance that I heard growing up. Music (and lyrics) kept me alive at times. Here’s another one I loved. It’s apparently an old video and not quite synchronized, but you get the idea! And it’s original! (Yes, of course I identified with the son. Always had a tendency towards androgyny.) If you want a cleaner version, the studio version follows at the bottom, with lyrics. Take your pick!

Carry on wayward son (Kansas)

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I’m dreaming
I can hear them say
Carry on our wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don’t know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say
Carry on our wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more
No!
Carry on
You will always remember
Carry on
Nothing equals the splendor
Now your life’s no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you
Carry on our wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more

Lately I’ve been in the strangest place. After spending a couple of years with bouts of bitterness and regret, a new, calm phase appears to be settling in. I almost feel detached from it all, floating above and simply looking at the situation (i.e. my life) and how things have developed. There are many things I appreciate, many others that I don’t. Now I feel fortunate to be able to view those less appreciated facts as part of the big picture. I look back and can understand how things happened, feel empathy for all people involved, and I feel acceptance.

At the same time, this awareness is calling me to wake up. Life is happening right now, and twenty years down the line I’ll be looking back on this year/phase of the journey. What do I want to see? I want to look back and remember how I learned to stop trying to be so nice and make everybody happy. Not that I have anything against being nice. It’s just when I give up part of myself in the process that it becomes undesirable.

Does this sound too abstract? Okay, I’ll provide a few illustrative examples. The town I’m in is quite sociable. Not the entire population, but there is a core group which is very active. There is always some kind of sports event or celebration going on, at which people stand around, talk, and drink alcohol. That’s not my idea of fun. I suppose if I hadn’t spent so many years of my life being bulimic, anorexic and in recovery, I might not feel such an urge to accomplish things. But that’s how it is. Therefore, for me to stand around, talk loudly over the loud music, drink, and wake up the next day with a hangover and scratchy throat just doesn’t cut it. I just don’t have the time to waste! If I had nothing else I’d rather do, I’m sure I could get into it, but I can’t.

Recently we had such an event and a friend called to ask why I wasn’t there. Rather than lie (headache, tired, depressed, busy, ill), I decided if she is my friend, she will accept me as I am. So I told her that I just don’t feel like being there. That’s how I am. Like it or leave it.

That’s a small example. The big example is my marriage. I’ve moved beyond being hurt, annoyed, humiliated, disappointed, and misunderstood. I admit, I’m still a little angry, but hey, I’m human! I can better understand what brought and kept us together. We both had our weakness, blindness, selfishness and character defects. Mix that all up and you can have one crazy relationship, that’s for sure! I’m totally in limbo, and being financially dependent doesn’t help. I didn’t win the lottery, but I wondered with a wry smile how many women (and men) play the lottery in the hopes of buying themselves free of their position as indentured servant. Okay, I do tend to exaggerate. It’s not THAT bad. But it’s bad enough to merit change.

After that big long talk a while ago, we’ve slipped right back into speechlessness. It’s like quicksand. If you don’t recognize it in time and react appropriately, it relentlessly pulls you down — slowly but surely. Luckily that is only a comparison. It doesn’t work with quicksand, but if you get stuck in speechlessness, you can talk your way out of it!

I’ve decided to write it all down first, collect my thoughts and see how they affect me. See, the problem is, I’m still so afraid of making waves and causing unhappiness, that I tend to block things out almost as soon as they become clear realizations. Putting them into writing makes them more concrete.

This does indeed seem to be a major hurdle in my life. I get so fed up with myself at times, because it is taking me so LONG to deal with this. There are pros and cons, and it is no easy decision. What makes it different this time around is: It’s not easy, but the decision is clear. For myself, I have decided that I want to end things. Now I am in the process of slowly approaching that goal of separation with the least amount of damage for all parties involved. Even though I have repeated a lot of the behavior learned from my parents, I do not intend to repeat their divorce. That I want to do better.

At this point, the serenity prayer is my best bet:
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Up until now, I’ve been pretty darn good at accepting things (and just complaining). I’m working really hard on the wisdom part right now, and then I assume the courage will be the main event.

Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself. Some changes take a lot of repetitions before we finally make them!

I saw this written somewhere, and as usual, the wheels of my mind have been churning again. When I was a kid, I remember we used to go out to a steak place with an open salad bar. We would fill up on salad, and take the steak home for a second meal. When I was an adult living in New York City, I went with my best friend (also bulimarexic) to a place down in Greenwich Village with an all-you-can-eat salad bar. That was actually on the brink of recovery, because in the early days I never would have honestly gone out to eat with someone like that. There we sat, eating, smiling, talking, making occasional trips to the bathroom, and filling up on more. I think the bathroom there was good, too, because there was only one toilet, so you could lock the door and not have to worry about being “caught” by someone.

These days, it doesn’t really interest me, because I rarely am so hungry that I have seconds. But it’s been on my mind anyway. Thinking about our development, it actually makes sense that this type of offer would be so appealing. It speaks to our basic survival instinct, going back to the hunters and gatherers. Imagine how delighted they would have been at such a prospect! Fill up on whatever is available until you can’t eat anymore – that is how they lived. Imagine if someone back then had set up a steak house and salad bar! They probably would have thought they were in heaven!

But in this day and age, it really doesn’t make sense at all. Most of us (in the western world) can be fairly sure that the next meal is coming, so we don’t need to stuff ourselves just in case. We don’t have to look far. The way things have developed, the next food source (grocery store or restaurant) is not far away, so it is unlikely that we will die of starvation while seeking it.

Of course, as the division between rich and poor grows, it may actually become part of the survival strategy. If people can afford to go out to eat, they may fill up and then fast for a day or two, trying to make ends meet. I don’t know. The food situation really doesn’t look so good these days.

But just like we need to learn to restrain our aggressive impulses when we feel threatened, and realize that with our evolutionary development and civilization, there are more appropriate ways of dealing with anger and frustration when our buttons get pushed, we also need to adjust to the abundance of food and material things. Generally, we are not in life or death situations. We don’t need to hamster, although our survival instinct encourages such behavior. I believe our psychological/emotional development has some catching up to do!

On a tangent, I find it interesting that so many of us with eating disorders “learned to survive” emotionally in devastating family environments, and that many of us carry on in this survival mode, although it is long since out of date and no longer necessary. Isn’t life fascinating? Aren’t we strange creatures? I know I am.