Halloween Baby

Since my daughter doesn’t want to hear the story anymore (she’s heard it about 15 times already!), I figured I’d share it here. The day before Halloween I always get a bit sentimental, as that was the night, 16 years ago, after cleaning our new apartment and going out for pizza in the evening, that my water broke. Turns out, I was the fourth one that evening in the maternity ward who’d eaten pizza!

The original due date was October 22nd, but I secretly hoped for a Halloween witch. I’d completely forgotten about it, but recently a friend reminded me that on October 22, 1992, a bunch of us went out to a Greek restaurant. The conversation turned to my stomach, which was not overseeable at that point, and someone asked: “How much longer?” I said: “Well, she’s due today.” Another nearly shrieked: “And what are you doing here with us out to dinner?” I laughed: “Well, you know, she might not come today, so I figured I’d just as well go out with the girls and have a nice evening.” She said: “And what if you go into labor?” I smiled: “Plan B.” I don’t know if it was exactly like that, but I think one gets the gist of it.

Nine days later, I was sick and tired of waiting. I couldn’t tie my shoelaces, couldn’t sleep, knocked the coffee grounds off the counter and marvelled that my daughter was making a mess before she was even born! We were moving into a newly renovated apartment, so I purposely was down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, helping to move things, and doing whatever else you’re not supposed to do — unless you want to go into labor, which I certainly did. We also wanted to get the apartment ready before the baby was born.

That evening, as I said, we went out for pizza. Shortly after we got home, the excitement started. We raced to the hospital, as I was certain it wouldn’t take very long. After all, I am a very calm, relaxed person. Well, after around 19 hours and no pain medication (“No, I don’t want to be numbed out as I’m sure she’ll be arriving any minute now.”), and having reached the point where I changed my mind and decided I was NOT going to go through with it, my dear daughter made her grand entrance shortly after 5 pm on Halloween. She was so beautiful, all the pain and exhaustion were forgotten in a second. I didn’t sleep at all that night — I stayed awake watching her. To this day, she has no qualms about making me wait or keeping me up at night!

I cannot believe it has been 16 years. It seems like no time at all, but that’s what all parents say. So I’ll stop now and do something useful like baking a cake for tomorrow!

Wandering

Yesterday I had the day off and was going to be very productive. It turned out differently. Instead, I stayed in bed and quietly listened to music for a couple of hours. I was so tired that I just barely managed to get up, shower, have breakfast and get to an 11.30 physiotherapy appointment. The clinic is barely ten minute’s drive from here.

Afterwards I ran a few errands and decided to treat myself to lunch, since there was no one at home to cook for, and I had another appointment in the same neighborhood a bit later. There’s a really nice, reasonably-priced place nearby. First I stopped at the book store. I’d wanted to get another book by Paulo Coelho, so that was perfect timing. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me to eat out alone and just lose myself in thought or observe the immediate environment, but yesterday I felt too alone. I needed company, so I bought a book.

As soon as I walked into the restaurant, I saw two friends at a table. We chatted for a few minutes, and then they asked if they could join me. I was delighted. They switched tables, since there was only space for two at their table. It was such a nice surprise to have human company, and just what I needed.

After lunch, I went to my next appointment. I had to wait for a while, so I took out the book and started reading. It’s a collection of short stories. That’s about all I’m up for at this point. One of the stories hit home. An explorer in Africa had paid his local entourage extra money so that they would walk faster. He was in a hurry to get to his destination. They walked really fast for a few days, and then one day they sat and refused to move. No amount of money could motivate them. When he asked them why they wouldn’t move, they replied that they had been moving so quickly, they didn’t quite know what they were doing anymore. So they were just going to sit there and wait until their souls caught up with them.

That’s exactly how I feel these days! I need to space out and let my soul catch up with me. Sanityfound calls it “in limbo” and that’s it: I’m sort of floating, doing all this stuff, having a lot of new experiences, and trying to keep it all together and remain calm. Even in the midst of excitement, it’s one step after the other, as I wander along my path of life.

Part of what is so exhausting is the newness. The new job, new opportunities, learning to relate in a different way — grounded and less insecure, more self-confident. For someone who didn’t grow up being confident, it’s not so easy. Like any other ability, it takes practice. Sometimes I just get tired of being on my guard and reminding myself that I am a worthy human being and entitled to an authentic feeling, response, reaction, action, whatever. It’s the first stages of practice that require patience and perseverance. Once I get the knack of it, it should get better. But I’m not quite there yet.

By the way, I wasn’t sure if it was “perseverance” or “perseverence” so I looked it up in the Random House Unabridged Dictionary. And what did I find? Perseverance with an “a” and:

1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

That really sums it up for me, as I consider this life to be just that: trodding the path in steady persistence towards eventual salvation or enlightenment. The journey is the goal, enlightenment the summation. To borrow from Gestalt: The whole is more than the sum of all its parts. All of these little pieces of experience, fragments of insight, all is woven together, worked intricately into a unique, momentarily indistinguishable the pattern which in the end will be clear as glass.

Helping and asking for help

During the past months, I have worked on various projects and several times asked friends to look something over and give me their opinion. It was not easy for me, as I have always found it difficult to ask for help, but I decided to go ahead and do it. I trusted that they would refuse if they didn’t have the time or even feel like doing it. The responses were positive to enthusiastic. I think only one person in ten didn’t have time.

Recently a friend of mine asked for help on one of her projects. It was funny. Last year I asked for her advice on my book cover, and this year it’s my turn to help her! I was delighted that she asked, and I find it exciting to work on these projects together. In the process of helping her and emailing back and forth, I started to laugh. I remember feeling guilty last year when I sent her yet another version, yet another possibility, and asked for feedback. And now she sent me a few versions, and I find one better than the next, make suggestions, re-check it, and it is not at all a bother. On the contrary, it is exciting to see the creativity process unfold. So I laugh, because I was so concerned about being a bother.

For me, this is a simple but very clear example of how important it is to ask for help as well as to help others. Through experiencing both sides of the situation, I learn more about cooperation and communication. Of course, my work is also a golden opportunity for learning, but today I choose to focus on friends.