Martha, home alone

Yesterday was one of those extremely rare days when everybody was out and I had the house to myself for a few hours. As any experienced bulimic will know, that would be the perfect chance for a binge — all by myself, with no one to bother me, interrupt me, make me feel guilty, etc. etc. I could just be myself and binge.

I like just the first part of that last sentence: “I could just be myself.” Just being myself has absolutely nothing to do with food, let alone bingeing. Being myself means I jumped up and down, clapped my hands with glee, and tried to figure out what I wanted to do the most.

Of course! I could rehearse for the upcoming concert, experiment with my voice and know that no one would hear me (to criticize or laugh or beg me to be quiet). Since I had enough time, I figured I’d warm up like I never do. Lazy as I am about doing exercises, I thought it would be fun to dance a bit — that would loosen me up and get the breathing flowing.

So I typed in youtube and then a few Abba songs, which had been refreshed in my memory through the film “Mamma Mia”. Over and over again I listened to “Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight” and “Dancing Queen” — singing along, hopping around (I call it dancing, but it doesn’t matter), feeling light and free as a bird.

I’m not saying this is the best plan. And maybe you prefer some other kind of music — more sophisticated, funky, whatever. I just thought I’d mention it as an idea — maybe to spark off other ideas. I don’t even want to try to remember how many times I binged and afterwards had the revelation: “Oh, I could have done THIS or THAT!! If only I’d thought of it in time!”

When you binge, you are doing something for yourself in a very twisted way. There are other options. It’s not about “being good” or “resisting temptation” or “final recovery” or even “being reasonable”. It’s just about taking a break and doing something for yourself that actually makes you feel good — while you’re doing it AND afterwards!

Oh, when I think about the dizzy spells, the headaches, the smell, the cost, the embarrassment, the shame, the paranoia, the helplessness, the disgust…I’m grateful to be able to dance today. Or to sing. Or to go out into the sun room and take a nap, just listening to the radio in the background and petting my cat who lays on the floor next to the couch. Or to write a letter. Call a friend. Read a book. Listen to a CD. Go for a walk. There are so many alternatives to bingeing!!! I bet you can find some to make you feel really good. And as an extra benefit, you don’t binge!

To err is human

…but who wants to make mistakes? Not me! I want to be perfect! Well, I’m out of luck as far as that goes. I’ve been at the new job for nearly 5 months already, and I still don’t know everything. (Will I ever?!) Because I don’t know everything and anticipate everything, I am prone to make mistakes. They are generally little, non earth-shattering mistakes, but they are mistakes nonetheless.

On the way home after a short night (night shift), a couple of fresh mistakes as well as less-than-optimal handling of a situation were in my thoughts. Guess what I did? I told myself it’s normal to make mistakes and that’s part of the process. There is no need to take them home with me and fret or obsess for the rest of the day. I’m learning through the mistakes, learning to communicate better — some mistakes occur by forgetting to pass on certain information. It’s similar to the guy driving in front of me who doesn’t signal before he turns, because he assumes I can read his mind. I can’t! Nor can my colleagues know what happened at work and what needs to be done if I don’t give them accurate information.

I’m not constantly making mistakes. It’s more little things that could use improvement for optimal functioning. But this week I did a good one. Ouch! Thank you, Higher Power! I am learning to accept what I did, to explain it without trying to make it sound better than it is, and to simply feel and let go of that inner tension which results. Yes, I made a mistake and I will face any consequences. But that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. Nor does it mean that I’m incompetent. And of course it was not made intentionally.

Driving home, I realized that I haven’t really learned how to deal with such situations appropriately, but that they are part of growing up. I learned to try to deny it, to pretend it didn’t happen, or to pretend I didn’t know what I did. Or if there was something I didn’t understand or felt unsure of, I would avoid it the best I could. A very wishy-washy event, if you ask me!

In any case, I am grateful for this job for this reason as well. It is teaching me that I can’t know and do everything perfectly, nor is it expected of me. It is teaching me to ask questions, to let down the barrier of pride and simply be straight out, be open to the situation at hand. This morning I even shared some of my shortcomings with a colleague. By sharing my insight, I let her know that I am aware, working on those shortcomings, and open to suggestions for improvement. At work it is only expected that I be honest, not perfect. Oh, and of course it is expected that I do my best!

Looked at from a different perspective, I’m actually quite pleased with how I’ve adjusted. I’ve learned a lot, have developed some sense of routine, understand the job better and feel increasingly competent. I recognize my weaknesses and resolve to work on them, but am also happy at the little successes that occur along the way. It is satisfying at the end of the shift to review things and see what I got done — knowing I did most of it right.

By the way. There’s a second part to this saying, remember? To forgive is divine. Not only that we forgive others or they us, but that we also forgive ourselves. (Personally, I find it much easier to forgive others.) When I truly forgive myself, I also accept myself exactly the way I am. When I do that, I feel peaceful, generous and loving. It is truly amazing.

A handful of beans

Someone sent me a handful of beans for Christmas — with the following story about a Count who lived a very long life because he had such an abundance of serenity.

“The Count never left his house without first sticking a handful of beans into his pocket. He didn’t do this because he wanted to chew them. No, he took them with him because he wanted to treasure and count the special moments of the day.

For every little positive thing he experienced during the course of the day — a chat with someone in the street, his wife’s laugh, a delicious meal, a fine cigar, a shady tree in the afternoon sun, a glass of good wine — for everything that pleases the senses, he took one bean out of his right jacket pocket and put it into the left side. Sometimes there were two or three.

In the evenings he sat at home and counted the beans that were in his left pocket. He celebrated these minutes. They brought to mind the wonderful things he had experienced during the day and made him happy. Even on the evenings when he only counted one bean, for him the day was a succes — it made life worth living.”

Last night I read a couple more pages in the book from the Dalai Lama and as I was ready to fall asleep, I said the serenity prayer and then began thanking God for all the nice things that had happened during the day, as well as for all the good things in my life. Well, I guess I have a lot to be thankful for, because I fell asleep before I was finished! (And my thoughts also wandered a bit with each new item of gratitude.) The atmosphere in my thoughts before falling asleep seems to have quite an impact.

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed in a way I haven’t felt for quite some time! I did not dread the day. I did not go back to bed for an hour. I made breakfast, sent the kids off to school, took care of a few chores and then went to work. As I went outside at lunchtime, I marvelled at the blue sky, the sun, the fresh coating of snow on the mountains, and it occurred to me that today had started quite nicely. Wow!

I wanted to share this, and then the above story came to mind. It fits perfectly. What I am realizing these past couple of days is: It’s always good to get some new inspiration, even when you think you have enough or you have it all figured out. (Yes, sometimes I believe that! Ha-ha!) There’s always more to come, and sometimes I don’t realize I needed it until it’s here and I receive yet another blessing.

Another thought occurs to me: New inspiration can also be found in old, familiar prayers. I just need to use them! Just like this little book I am reading. I bought it months ago, but it didn’t help me until I took it off the shelf and started to read it. And what did I find? The good old serenity prayer!