Life after separation

Before we separated, I can remember feeling very alone and wishing I could live alone. It was unbearable to live under the same roof with someone and yet be so alone. Now I have my own four walls. It is an incredible sense of freedom that came along with the new roof over my head.

It’s been barely three months, and still feels quite new. Some days I wonder where we will both be one year from now. What developments and changes will we go through? Will he find someone new? Will I? How will each of us feel about it? Interesting questions, but I won’t know the answers until it happens.

Recently I felt a strong need to sit down and talk it all out with him — our story, disappointments, mistakes, etc. Every time I suggest we get together, he says he is busy. Now I realize I still pursue this “happily ever after” dream. Why should we be able to sit and talk now — something we were never able to do? I need to let go and take it as it comes.

He is almost painfully proper and correct, which I do appreciate, but it saddens me. There are different phases one passes through during the course of a separation: disappointment, sadness, anger, regret — not necessarily in that order. Perhaps after the initial shock that I finally left, some anger is coming up.

It frightens me at times, as I wonder how dependable he will be. Will he remain so cooperative and generous? Or will he decide he’s had enough and I can totally fend for myself. That I can’t know today either.

On the brighter side, we both have more time to think. From our last conversation, I realize he has given more thought to the children and their respective situations. He is now willing to let our son choose where he wants to be. Originally, he said he should be with me, as he didn’t want the extra work (cooking, etc.). I’m glad he changed his mind. It is important for a child to be able to be where he wants to be, and know that both parents love him and both are willing to take care of him. That is a positive development in my eyes.

A couple of weeks ago a friend mentioned the emotional turmoil that comes with separation. I looked at her like she didn’t understand, and replied that this was such a long time coming, there is no great emotion left. Surprise! I’m not as cool and above it all as I wanted to believe.

So I’m back to trusting in the universe. This was an important step to take. It’s new ground for me, and there continue to be challenges on a daily basis — both large and small. I cope one day at a time, dealing with things as they come along.

Ending such a destructive relationship is kind of like getting over an eating disorder. A massive source of stress is removed, but that doesn’t mean it’s 100% easy sailing the rest of the way. No, it means that I am more balanced, grounded, can establish a healthy basis from which to function and cope, but there are still ups and downs, good days and bad, high energy and low. That’s just life.

In Transition

is not an easy place to be. I noticed that this afternoon as I drove home, after stopping by the house to pick up a few things and talk with my husband. I felt a wave of sadness come over me, and could barely control myself. As I drove back to my apartment, the tears streamed. Sadness about what had been, what hadn’t been, what could have been. It hit me quite by surprise. I like to be cool, to have it all together, to be optimistic and excited about the future. Usually I am, but today those other feelings came over me.

Big change is a big deal. There’s no avoiding the moments of sudden emotion. This evening I got together with a dear friend and talked. It was a pleasant summer evening. We went to an outdoor café and had a couple of glasses of wine.

It was just 10 pm when I got home. That’s when I fell into a black hole. I sat for a while, wrote in my journal, watched the cat play, cried a bit, and now feel somewhat better. It’s just not always a comfortable place to be. But it’s where I’m at right now.

I thought about what I need to do to clear things up a bit, to give me some solid ground beneath my feet. Now I’ll get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

Just one step: Addendum

I remembered a couple more lines, and they are good enough to warrant special mention!

Just one step is all you need.
Just one step will set you free.