Life after separation

Before we separated, I can remember feeling very alone and wishing I could live alone. It was unbearable to live under the same roof with someone and yet be so alone. Now I have my own four walls. It is an incredible sense of freedom that came along with the new roof over my head.

It’s been barely three months, and still feels quite new. Some days I wonder where we will both be one year from now. What developments and changes will we go through? Will he find someone new? Will I? How will each of us feel about it? Interesting questions, but I won’t know the answers until it happens.

Recently I felt a strong need to sit down and talk it all out with him — our story, disappointments, mistakes, etc. Every time I suggest we get together, he says he is busy. Now I realize I still pursue this “happily ever after” dream. Why should we be able to sit and talk now — something we were never able to do? I need to let go and take it as it comes.

He is almost painfully proper and correct, which I do appreciate, but it saddens me. There are different phases one passes through during the course of a separation: disappointment, sadness, anger, regret — not necessarily in that order. Perhaps after the initial shock that I finally left, some anger is coming up.

It frightens me at times, as I wonder how dependable he will be. Will he remain so cooperative and generous? Or will he decide he’s had enough and I can totally fend for myself. That I can’t know today either.

On the brighter side, we both have more time to think. From our last conversation, I realize he has given more thought to the children and their respective situations. He is now willing to let our son choose where he wants to be. Originally, he said he should be with me, as he didn’t want the extra work (cooking, etc.). I’m glad he changed his mind. It is important for a child to be able to be where he wants to be, and know that both parents love him and both are willing to take care of him. That is a positive development in my eyes.

A couple of weeks ago a friend mentioned the emotional turmoil that comes with separation. I looked at her like she didn’t understand, and replied that this was such a long time coming, there is no great emotion left. Surprise! I’m not as cool and above it all as I wanted to believe.

So I’m back to trusting in the universe. This was an important step to take. It’s new ground for me, and there continue to be challenges on a daily basis — both large and small. I cope one day at a time, dealing with things as they come along.

Ending such a destructive relationship is kind of like getting over an eating disorder. A massive source of stress is removed, but that doesn’t mean it’s 100% easy sailing the rest of the way. No, it means that I am more balanced, grounded, can establish a healthy basis from which to function and cope, but there are still ups and downs, good days and bad, high energy and low. That’s just life.