Bulimia, smoking and drinking

Bulimics tend to have addictive personalities, and frequently have more than one addiction. I smoked, drank a lot, and was bulimic. Each issue individually was quite a handful, and all three simply bowled me over. (Although, with the alcohol, I never considered it a problem. I just couldn’t stop drinking once I got started!)

One mistake I made in the early days was to believe that I could give up more than one addiction at a time. So I would eat “normally” and keep the food down for a week, and the next week I would try to stop smoking. It usually ended in disaster.

When I was finally ready for recovery, I decided to focus only on the bulimia and food issues, and to allow myself to continue drinking and smoking. I wasn’t drunk all the time, but I did drink a good amount when I went out on the weekends. By “good amount” I mean more than necessary. Generally I was in bed with a hangover the following day. I smoked between 10 and 20 cigarettes a day.

Thus I focussed only on the food, and I got it in order — one day at a time, one step at a time. Four years later, when I was pregnant with my first child, I stopped drinking and smoking. It wasn’t terribly difficult, as I wanted a healthy baby. My issue with smoking was that it had to do with freedom and rebellion. My husband didn’t want me to smoke, so I would stop now and then in order to please him. Meanwhile, I resented his power over me.

This issue with my husband complicated things. I stopped and started smoking a few times — stopped for pregnancy and breastfeeding, started again when the babysitter came and I resumed my studies at a nearby café. It wasn’t until I really wanted to stop smoking that I actually succeeded. I stopped because of the effect on my voice and breathing. I wanted to sing better. After smoking on and off for 23 years, I quit five years ago. But I finished my degree first! I decided it would be silly to try to quit smoking during a stressful time in my life. The day after the last final, I quit smoking. Just like with the food: Because I wanted to stop FOR ME, I did, and I didn’t miss it.

I never considered alcohol to be a problem, but when I decided just for the hell of it to give up alcohol one lent five or six years ago, I was amazed at how clear my head was! And when I afterwards took just a few sips of wine, I was quickly buzzed. I still drink now, but have cut back considerably. No more hangovers. A glass or two (sometimes three) of wine is enough, spread out over a long evening. It means more to me to be in good shape the following day, as there are things I want to do!

That is related to getting older. I see that I don’t have the energy I had twenty years ago, and it takes me longer to get over a late night out. So I have become more selective about what I do, how much I consume, and how late I go home. Sure, sometimes it still happens. But you won’t catch me socializing just to be “nice” if I’m not in the mood. That is generally a waste of time. I have learned to nicely and politely refuse invitations.

Getting over a problem/addiction is a personal issue. You do it for yourself. You have to really want it. And when you are ready, you will succeed. One day at a time. There’s a lot you have to work through. It’s about progress, not perfection. That’s what life is about. Be patient with yourself! You’re doing fine!