Slight aversion to mundane tasks

Yes, I admit it. I’d rather dream than deal with some things. Today I finally cancelled a subscription to a newspaper. It’s great, but I just don’t get around to reading it every day. Then I called to have the address changed on the other newspaper subscription. That newspaper is lighter fare, and the kids like to read it as well. I’d felt guilty about cancelling the one, because I’d previously enjoyed a free two-month subscription, and somehow felt obligated to continue.

With the other subscription, there was also guilt — about changing the address. That means it doesn’t go to the house any more. But heck, I was was the one who ordered it in the first place. And anyway, my husband did say he doesn’t need it.

I slept most of the morning, after another crazy night with the cats. Then dealt with the above tasks. But those were easy enough. The big deal was calling the service line of my internet provider. I don’t really understand much about computers, but the wireless connection wasn’t working. My computer has a cable, but my daughter’s wasn’t hooked up. So today I gathered my courage and called.

It worked! Even though I don’t understand it, the service operator was able to walk me through it, laughed kindly at my mistakes, patiently answered my repeated questions, and eventually it worked. So now both of our computers are wireless and I was able to get rid of the cable which lay on the floor and prevented me from being able to close my door.

By then it was late afternoon. I’d planned to go to the Tibetan Monastery with a friend, but was so tired, I just didn’t have the energy. Yet on the spur of the moment, I decided to go after all. She was delighted that I showed up.

The monks chanted/sang and I sat there and took it all in. During the first 5 minutes I was overcome by a rush of emotion and could barely subdue my tears. Later my friend said she was also overcome. We speculated that their chants were a magical spoon that stirs around whatever is inside of us. After settling down, I dozed off a few times. I was tired.

Then came today’s great revelation: Not only do I need enough food to maintain my energy, I also need enough sleep. Only when I am physically fit do I have the energy and awareness to recognize and implement the signs the universe sends me. And on the other hand, when I am tired, I need to accept that, rather than push myself to the point of no return.

It’s not really an earth-shattering revelation, but it did clarify things for me and remind me how important it is to take care of myself. And believe me, I really do want to function the best I can.

On the lighter side, the mundane tasks of housework don’t bother me as much anymore. I just take care of things when I recognize the necessity. And nobody is there to scold me or give me a pained look when things are not done. What a relief!

What are my goals?

Oh my goodness gracious! Is this me writing about goals? The same me who just lives for today and several years ago only had the goal to recover? Yes. It’s me.

In a rather roundabout way, today I have discovered something very important. (I discovered it for me. I’m sure other people already know about it. But just in case anybody else hasn’t figured it out yet, I’ll share my insight. For what it’s worth.) I discovered that I need ambition and goals.

Up until quite recently (last week!), my goals were not all that clear. It was a wishy-washy affair, sort of based on what I don’t want. Through the focus on goals during last weekend’s seminar, I started thinking about my own goals. Day by day, they became clearer. I just asked myself: What do I want? And after a few days of reflection, now I actually know what I want!!!

Just a few minutes ago, I was laughing at myself. Once again I make a brilliant, earth-shattering discovery of something that lots of other people have known about for a long time. But that doesn’t make it any less special. It just humbles me, as I am once again reminded that I’m a simple human being who progresses at her own speed.

In the middle of that laughter, another thought occurred: the bulimia! Why did I get over it back then? For years and years my goal had been to stop bingeing and puking, but it didn’t work. When did it work? When I formed a positive goal of what I wanted! It was about what I wanted, not about what I didn’t want. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to eat normally. I wanted to eat whatever I wanted and be slim. I wanted to do well at school. I wanted a job. I wanted to study Psychology. I wanted children.

All of those wants have been fulfilled. I stopped bingeing when I changed the wording from: “I don’t want to binge anymore” to “I want to eat normally.” They say the universe doesn’t understand negation. It is positively oriented. Thus, “I don’t want to binge” was actually “I want to binge”. I was focussing on that activity.

So, here’s crazy, hippie, non-materialistic me saying: “All you need is a goal!” (But I do still believe that “All you need is love” is also quite appropriate!) I always thought goals and ambition were superficial, flaky and substitutes for something better in life. I changed my mind. It’s not about whether or not I have goals, it’s the content that matters.

In a rather exuberant mood, I wish you all that you analyze your goals and word them well. Think positively! Dare to say what you want! You don’t have to tell anybody if you don’t want to. It’s enough that you can admit them to yourself. I don’t dare tell you all of my goals, or you just might think I’m nuts! But that’s okay. I just might be.

In memory of John, who was my higher power for a while.

Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It’s easy.

Nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It’s easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

Nothing you can know that isn’t known.
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.
It’s easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love (all together, now!)
All you need is love. (everybody!)
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need (love is all you need).

Yee-hai!
Oh yeah!
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.

A handful of beans

Someone sent me a handful of beans for Christmas — with the following story about a Count who lived a very long life because he had such an abundance of serenity.

“The Count never left his house without first sticking a handful of beans into his pocket. He didn’t do this because he wanted to chew them. No, he took them with him because he wanted to treasure and count the special moments of the day.

For every little positive thing he experienced during the course of the day — a chat with someone in the street, his wife’s laugh, a delicious meal, a fine cigar, a shady tree in the afternoon sun, a glass of good wine — for everything that pleases the senses, he took one bean out of his right jacket pocket and put it into the left side. Sometimes there were two or three.

In the evenings he sat at home and counted the beans that were in his left pocket. He celebrated these minutes. They brought to mind the wonderful things he had experienced during the day and made him happy. Even on the evenings when he only counted one bean, for him the day was a succes — it made life worth living.”

Last night I read a couple more pages in the book from the Dalai Lama and as I was ready to fall asleep, I said the serenity prayer and then began thanking God for all the nice things that had happened during the day, as well as for all the good things in my life. Well, I guess I have a lot to be thankful for, because I fell asleep before I was finished! (And my thoughts also wandered a bit with each new item of gratitude.) The atmosphere in my thoughts before falling asleep seems to have quite an impact.

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed in a way I haven’t felt for quite some time! I did not dread the day. I did not go back to bed for an hour. I made breakfast, sent the kids off to school, took care of a few chores and then went to work. As I went outside at lunchtime, I marvelled at the blue sky, the sun, the fresh coating of snow on the mountains, and it occurred to me that today had started quite nicely. Wow!

I wanted to share this, and then the above story came to mind. It fits perfectly. What I am realizing these past couple of days is: It’s always good to get some new inspiration, even when you think you have enough or you have it all figured out. (Yes, sometimes I believe that! Ha-ha!) There’s always more to come, and sometimes I don’t realize I needed it until it’s here and I receive yet another blessing.

Another thought occurs to me: New inspiration can also be found in old, familiar prayers. I just need to use them! Just like this little book I am reading. I bought it months ago, but it didn’t help me until I took it off the shelf and started to read it. And what did I find? The good old serenity prayer!