Martha, home alone

Yesterday was one of those extremely rare days when everybody was out and I had the house to myself for a few hours. As any experienced bulimic will know, that would be the perfect chance for a binge — all by myself, with no one to bother me, interrupt me, make me feel guilty, etc. etc. I could just be myself and binge.

I like just the first part of that last sentence: “I could just be myself.” Just being myself has absolutely nothing to do with food, let alone bingeing. Being myself means I jumped up and down, clapped my hands with glee, and tried to figure out what I wanted to do the most.

Of course! I could rehearse for the upcoming concert, experiment with my voice and know that no one would hear me (to criticize or laugh or beg me to be quiet). Since I had enough time, I figured I’d warm up like I never do. Lazy as I am about doing exercises, I thought it would be fun to dance a bit — that would loosen me up and get the breathing flowing.

So I typed in youtube and then a few Abba songs, which had been refreshed in my memory through the film “Mamma Mia”. Over and over again I listened to “Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight” and “Dancing Queen” — singing along, hopping around (I call it dancing, but it doesn’t matter), feeling light and free as a bird.

I’m not saying this is the best plan. And maybe you prefer some other kind of music — more sophisticated, funky, whatever. I just thought I’d mention it as an idea — maybe to spark off other ideas. I don’t even want to try to remember how many times I binged and afterwards had the revelation: “Oh, I could have done THIS or THAT!! If only I’d thought of it in time!”

When you binge, you are doing something for yourself in a very twisted way. There are other options. It’s not about “being good” or “resisting temptation” or “final recovery” or even “being reasonable”. It’s just about taking a break and doing something for yourself that actually makes you feel good — while you’re doing it AND afterwards!

Oh, when I think about the dizzy spells, the headaches, the smell, the cost, the embarrassment, the shame, the paranoia, the helplessness, the disgust…I’m grateful to be able to dance today. Or to sing. Or to go out into the sun room and take a nap, just listening to the radio in the background and petting my cat who lays on the floor next to the couch. Or to write a letter. Call a friend. Read a book. Listen to a CD. Go for a walk. There are so many alternatives to bingeing!!! I bet you can find some to make you feel really good. And as an extra benefit, you don’t binge!

Strange Mood

Feeling kind of strange today. Maybe I’m just tired? I don’t know. In any case, that driving sense of drama and desperation are missing. I feel calm, flowing, although I don’t know what is up or down. Oh, today would be a great day to eat! I mean to binge and just lose myself. Why? Well, because things are moving slowly, I can’t show any results, not quite sure what I’m doing, starting a new training program, and it’s Saturday. That is reason enough! Yes, I’m being facetious. I don’t binge any more, so I won’t today either. I’ll ramble instead. It’s much easier to make a fool of myself than to binge. In any case, all things pass.

One thing I must say is, I’m glad the items on the main WordPress page “From our blog” have finally moved down. It was driving me crazy the past few days. Every time I signed in, I would see “Learning to Love” and I would get all curious, thinking there was some new discovery on love. Then I would scroll down and see the line under it: “Comment Moderation”. It gave me a jolt every time.

Things are up in the air. But perhaps that’s just the energy of the day. I can’t sort them all out and make them come down, so I guess I’ll just breathe … and go watch a movie.

Letting Go

The art of letting go is no easy accomplishment. It takes a lifetime to perfect, and the last time you let go is when you move into the realm of the dead. Whether we are faced with bad habits, clutter, inappropriate interaction and/or destructive relationship patterns, or even eating disorders, we need to learn to let go.

It’s not so simple that we just let go – at least, not for me! At the moment, I am letting go of fears, anxiety, doubts, indecisiveness and impatience regarding a possible job. I’m also dealing with immanent changes in my marital relationship. Right now, in this very moment, I do not know where things are going or where I will end up. So it is a tingly feeling of excitement and curiosity which at times is almost unbearable. I’ve already mentioned my control freak approach at times, so perhaps you can imagine what a challenge this is.

On the emotional, spiritual and physical levels I can feel change occurring – all the way down to the cellular level. It reminds me a little of when I quit smoking almost 5 years ago. During the first few weeks I was incredibly tired and slept a lot. That tiredness is back. I am exhausted from all of the change, excitement and newness!

So I am learning to do something I’ve never been particularly good at: to be actively patient. That means I sit here calmly, while inside I am ready to scream and want to push things along faster. But it takes what it takes. Change takes time. In addition, I am letting go. I am taking the appropriate actions, but then I let go and leave it up to the universe. I trust that God or Higher Power will then make the final decision, as to whether this job would be good for me or not. Since I don’t see the whole picture, I don’t always know what is best. If this job is right, I will get it. If not, I won’t, because most likely something better will come along.

Sure, I could jump into change and turn everything upside-down in one day if I wanted to – especially regarding the relationship – but that isn’t my style. I want to do this responsibly and consciously, and I admit, with as little discomfort as possible. I’m not quite as daring as I was in my early twenties, but that’s okay. Where I am today and how I am is exactly how I’m supposed to be. The way I look at it, there are still some things to be learned in this relationship, and then who knows what will happen? Not me!

Breathe in, breathe out, and repeat after me: “All is well. I do my best and the rest is up to the universe. All will turn out for the best.” Of course, there is another alternative. It’s what I did in my early twenties: I could binge and puke relentlessly, not face the situation, run away, and also let higher power take care of it. But I don’t do that anymore. There is nothing bad enough to make such self-destructive behavior worth it to me. All things pass, both good and bad. When I run out of alternative behavior, I just sit here until it passes. And then I sometimes marvel at my composure. See? That’s another possibility! And of course, going to the movies is always a welcome distraction, if that’s what I need.