Source of strength

Last weekend I had a memorable experience. Although (or because?) up to my ears in school and work, I attended a one-day seminar on “Healing Circles” — to booster my emotional well being.

The instructor taught us various Shiatsu exercises for the organs of the body, and gave us a few meditative impulses. In the morning we did a “led” meditation. As usual I drifted off into my own waking dream state after the first few sentences. That is typical, and I’ve gotten used to it. I figure I get what I need, even if I can’t remember everything.

In the afternoon, another meditation was offered. This one was to lead us to a place of strength. I was determined to remain aware, as lately I’ve been lacking a sense of centeredness, and could use some rejuvenation.

After the first few sentences… I was gone once again. Images, scenes race across the movie screen in my brain. There’s nothing I can do about it. But then, suddenly a bat flew past my head. The movement and gust of air “woke” me up. As far as I know, there weren’t any bats in the seminar room, so I assume it was a product of my imagination. Whatever.

The important thing is: This little bat brought me back to the room just in time to hear the rest of the meditation! The trainer described the sun and its warm rays. In my mind I could see the glow, and felt the warmth on my body. I’d missed the description of how to envision the place or how to get there, but knew in an instant where I was.

There was a small clearing in the woods down the hill in back of the house where I grew up. As a child, I spent hours there, content in my own little world. A couple of years ago I had returned to that space — and found it completely changed, as woods do change in the course of 30 or 40 years.

The picture in my imagination was the clearing I knew as a child. A wave of happiness spread through me, and suddenly I connected with that little girl. She was around 9 years old. She was sure of herself. She didn’t wonder if she could attain her dreams. No, her concern was how to go about their realization. The sky was the limit.

After so many years of grieving the hurt, disappointed, suffering little girl who sought refuge in her eating disorder, I was surprised and delighted to come into contact with the girl before that! The one who was excited about life, who had ideas, energy, enthusiasm and trust.

So I focussed the rest of the meditation towards reactivation and integration of that connection within me — as a true source of strength. It was a profound experience of “coming home” — on various levels.

A few days later I told my mother about the experience. I was surprised — at the beginning of the meditation I was simply curious as to where it would lead me. When I started to describe the experience, she said that her first image was of that space in the woods! And a friend had the same reaction! Funny, do they know me better than I do? Or am I looking for something externally that I have within me? Does it matter? I trust that life gives me all that I need — and much of it I already have!

It was a wonderful day and certainly gave me rejuvenation and some helpful impulses for daily life.

Salute to the King

Elvis Presley (8. January 1935 – 16. August 1977)
He died young, though when he died, I thought he was old. Maybe because I was only 15 myself. How time can change one’s perception! Perhaps I was too young to understand the hysteria connected with him, but I wasn’t too young to appreciate his music. As a kid, I had a few of his LPs that I loved to listen to. Now that I’m somewhat more grown up than I was back then, I appreciate him even more. That wonderful voice, that winning smile. Now I look at those old photos and videos on youtube, and I see a very charming young kid just doing his thing. But what a thing it was!
(Scroll all the way down for a second treat!)

You know I can be found,
Sitting home all alone,
If you can’t come around,
At least please telephone.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

Baby, if I made you mad
For something I might have said,
Please, let’s forget the past,
The future looks bright ahead,
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I dont want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.

Don’t stop thinking of me,
Don’t make me feel this way,
Come on over here and love me,
You know what I want you to say.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Why should we be apart?
I really love you baby, cross my heart.

Let’s walk up to the preacher
And let us say I do,
Then you’ll know you’ll have me,
And I’ll know that I’ll have you,
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.

Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.

And here he’s a charming man with a sense of fun and humor. Love that voice! One line he improvised and smiled “Believe me, believe me, I can’t help but love you” would have been correct. (I listened to this song a lot, so I know!)

It’s my party!

And I’ll cry if I want to. But not today! Why? Because today is my birthday and I am as happy as a kid can be! I’ve always loved celebrating my birthday. Perhaps because my mother always made a big deal of it. Today I got to thinking about her. Sure, I’ve complained about her and often thought she could have done better, but when I think about what she gave me, it blows me away. I had a lot of freedom. She loves me and has always believed in me. Our house was always an open house. I was free to invite friends over, have parties, and simply be in my room. It really was my home. That became even more clear to me after a disagreement with my husband regarding our daughter’s upcoming 16th birthday. He would prefer that she not have a party here. He is concerned that his beautiful house might get damaged. I never had to think about that.

But back to my birthday, since it’s not my daughter’s turn until next month. I have to work today, so I won’t be actively celebrating. I baked a cake and will take it to work with me this morning. It is my way of thanking my colleagues for their help and support thus far. Early evening I’m on duty for a few more hours, but that’s it. I’m off for the night. A close friend or two might stop by, but no big deal.

Since it’s my birthday, I can do whatever I want. (As long as I don’t get into trouble!) So I’m going to share a song that changed my life. Back then, I was 16 years old. Not just this one song changed my life, but it’s how I found my heroine. It was her first and only hit record, a song she co-wrote with Bruce Springsteen. Thank God she had this hit! Otherwise, I never would have heard about her out there in the boondocks! This is a more recent version, but at the bottom I’ve included the original version.

Since I have no idea how long I’ll be around, or how long it will take me to finish all my projects, let me just enjoy today. I am happy to be alive. Happy to know so many wonderful people. Happy to know true love. Grateful for my family and relatives. Happy to have two wonderful, healthy children, whom I love dearly and who manage to drive me crazy at times, just to keep me on my toes. Happy to have two cats to cuddle. And I have dreams for the future. I’m not finished yet.

Because the Night

take me now baby here as I am
pull me close, try and understand
desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
love is a banquet on which we feed

come on now try and understand
the way I feel when I’m in your hands
take my hand come undercover
they can’t hurt you now,
can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now
because the night belongs to lovers
because the night belongs to lust
because the night belongs to lovers
because the night belongs to us

have I doubt when I’m alone
love is a ring, the telephone
love is an angel disguised as lust
here in our bed until the morning comes
come on now try and understand
the way I feel under your command
take my hand as the sun descends
they can’t touch you now,
can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now
because the night belongs to lovers …

with love we sleep
with doubt the vicious circle
turn and burns
without you I cannot live
forgive, the yearning burning
I believe it’s time, too real to feel
so touch me now, touch me now, touch me now
because the night belongs to lovers …

because tonight there are two lovers
if we believe in the night we trust
because tonight there are two lovers …