A no-no here and a yes-yes there

Little ones seem to be more effective than big ones. Though I get impatient and want all the changes to happen over night, it takes time. I’ve tried the lectures and arguments with my daughter, but they are rather ineffective. Not that I expected them to work, but I was not quite sure what I was doing.

Mistakes and less than optimal behavior patterns take a while to establish themselves, so it will take a while to change them. On the basic level, I told my daughter that if she wants to be treated as a young adult, she has to act like one. When she doesn’t, she can’t expect otherwise. Little by little, I’m gaining credibility. I repeat that statement fairly frequently, especially when she asks a favor, and then say no.

Nor am I any longer taking promises for future behavior. If she doesn’t have time to hang up the laundry, then I don’t have time to drive her to her friend’s — even if that means changing trains and waiting half an hour. It’s not my problem.

So it’s just little things, but I am convinced that they will add up. She may not even notice the difference, but she doesn’t need to. As long as things change, I’m satisfied.

Today was a good example. She had to clean her room and take the old bed apart, because her father was coming today to bring the new bed they bought last week. It’s a loft bed, so she has more floor space. It took a while for her to wake up, and she suggested that I get started. When she was younger, I made the mistake of doing things myself because I could do it faster, more efficiently, and often didn’t have the time or patience to wait. Today I can wait. I calmly reminded her that it is her room, and if she doesn’t get it cleaned up, we’ll just stick the bed in another room and leave it there until she’s ready. That got her moving.

Unfortunately she also picked up the habit of yelling at me when I “annoy” her, as a way to shut me up. That she observed in her father. It was his way of keeping me in my place — just get loud. It is also unfortunate that I grew up with the idea that one should not make waves. But what would the ocean be without waves? So I calmly tell her that I don’t like it when she yells at me, or I suggest we continue the discussion when she has calmed down. If it’s about something she wants, she does manage to go down a few decibels.

It is a challenge, but we will get there. The ups and downs are part of the process. She is a good teacher. I am very good-natured and tend to trust that other people mean well. Now I recognize the need to take better care of myself. In the process, I trust that my daughter — and others — will benefit as well.

Does anybody out there have experience with this? Particularly with teenagers. I’d appreciate input!

First separated birthday

It was a success! I was a bit nervous about this first shared birthday celebration of our son since my husband and I separated a few months ago. Running late as usual, I managed to get the cake frosted and decorated (with “Happy Birthday” cut out of marzipan), stuck the candles on, and drove off — leaving the kitchen in a disastrous state.

Yesterday was very hot. That was somehow appropriate, as we were in the middle of a heat wave the day my son was born. I drove carefully, especially around the turns, and the cake was in one piece upon arrival. I just had to rotate the candles a bit, as the heat had melted them slightly.

We were all a bit nervous, and the relatives were late, so we stood around for a while. They eventually arrived, and we spent a nice afternoon drinking coffee and eating cake. Then the kids disappeared, and my husband offered wine and beer. I had brought some pretzels and mixed nuts along, just in case. See, we hadn’t discussed the particulars. My husband never liked to discuss things when we lived together, so why start now?

Anyway, the snack food stayed in the bag. I had tried to help with clearing away the coffee cups and plates, but he shooed me out of the kitchen. So I went back out and sat at the table like any other guest, and he brought out rolls, cheese and fine coldcuts. It was simple, but good.

It turned out to be an enjoyable evening, after the first awkwardness of the new situation was let go. We talked, laughed, reminisced — and I enjoyed socializing with the bunch of them, including my husband. It even seemed natural to kiss him on the cheek as I said goodbye. As I said, I am quite pleased. I believe it is important for the children to have some kind of normalcy amidst the change, and I am happy to see that both their father and I agree on that.

Although we have never done this before (separated) and it’s totally new territory for all of us, there is a basic atmosphere of well-meaning, respect, and even love, for which I am grateful. This is the separation I hoped and wished for. Nor do I have any regrets.

Another birthday

My son turns 15 today! It just doesn’t seem possible that so much time has passed. It is my children that help me keep track of the years, as I watch them growing up. He is a kind, gentle, beautiful person, and he’d die of embarrassment if he knew I was writing this. Just about a month ago the “you’re so embarrassing” phase started. Since I already experienced it with my daughter, I know better than to take it personally. I’m grateful for all the years before that.

I always felt he brought light into my life. One year when we flew to the States to visit my family, the children each got a teddy bear from the airline. When you pressed their stomachs, they sang: “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” They played with their bears all the way from the airport to my brother’s apartment. Luckily he has kids of his own and took it with a sense of humor — and sang along merrily, saying “Again! Again!” each time the song was finished.

Here’s a little song for my sunshine.

You are the sunshine of my life
Thats why I’ll always be around,
You are the apple of my eye,
Forever you’ll stay in my heart

I feel like this is the beginning,
Though I’ve loved you for a million years,
And if I thought our love was ending,
I’d find myself drowning in my own tears.

You are the sunshine of my life,
Thats why I’ll always stay around,
You are the apple of my eye,
Forever you’ll stay in my heart,

You must have known that I was lonely,
Because you came to my rescue,
And I know that this must be heaven,
How could so much love be inside of you?

You are the sunshine of my life, yeah,
Thats why I’ll always stay around,
You are the apple of my eye,
Forever you’ll stay in my heart.

(background) love has joined us,
Love has joined us,
Lets think sweet love.