A girl with a one-track mind

Disordered eaters know I’m talking about food here, not sex! Today I got an e-mail from a young woman who wanted to know if I can eat normally. She can’t go into the kitchen without thinking about food and her next binge. In her head, everything revolves around food. At the same time, she believes she is fat.

My answer: Yes, I can eat normally. And I don’t think about food all the time. But I had similar experiences. I used to think about food all day: “When can I eat again? What can I eat? Where can I puke?” Awful! But I don’t have to tell you that.

At some point, I decided: My figure is okay. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to be perfect. I am how I am. All of a sudden, it was more about the fact that I wanted to LIVE! In fact, at the beginning I was even willing to gain weight if necessary. I considered it a transition — and I needed to give my body time to adjust to regular meals. I was certain that if I gained any extra weight, I would lose it again once things normalized. And that’s exactly what happened. There was enough input and my body and weight settled at a comfortable point for all of us. And I’m still slim. I used to think that anybody who ate “normally” would have to be fat. That’s not true.

It helped me to view food as fuel. Without fuel, no engine can run. Food is something I need every day, thus I did not diet. That’s how I recovered. I made a new start. I learned to eat — regularly. On a daily basis. I accepted the fact that to live I need to eat — day in and day out. No kidding around!

As I’ve said before, there were no forbidden foods. On the contrary. I thought to myself: “Anything and everything is allowed! I can eat what I want. I can be satisfied!” Bulimarexia has something to do with not believing that I deserve things. I thought I had to make do with less, didn’t deserve to be satisfied — whether it was food, love, happiness, life. It didn’t matter what. I just didn’t deserve it. That turned around. I do indeed deserve it! It’s my birthright!

It’s not so easy to stop the obsessive thoughts circling around food. You can try to give them less space by doing nice things for yourself — listening to music, going for a walk, going to the movies, talking with a friend. Then it simply has less space. If you keep thinking that you don’t want to think about it… that doesn’t work.

Part of the obsessive thinking is due to the fact that your body is starving. It is sending signals: “Eat something! I’m starving!” When you are satiated, the signals will cease to be so frequent. Of course, habit plays a part. It took a while before thoughts about things other than food had enough space. But it did happen. It is possible.

In the beginning, I concentrated on when I’d had enough. I ate extremely slowly, and stopped as soon as I had the slightest hint of being full. The feeling of being “too full” was unbearable. I don’t like it now either. That’s why I always eat enough, but never too much. I want to feel good.

Try to enjoy it! Think about it: What is a normal breakfast, lunch and supper? Eat that — no more and no less. (At the moment, your perception of hunger and satiation is probably off-balance, so you may need to focus on an objectively normal amount.) Allow yourself to enjoy it. It tastes good! Eat slowly and think: “I’m doing something good for myself, and I need this.” Since I was concerned about not getting uncomfortably full, but admitted that I love food, I did my best to fully experience the food — to smell it, taste it, let it melt on my tongue. It was (is) a positive experience. That’s when I learned: It has nothing to do with the amount. Even when I eat something I LOVE, one serving is enough.

As mentioned elsewhere, as a teenager, I counted calories. During the time of recovery, I turned it around. I found out roughly how many calories I need to survive and used that as a daily goal that needed to be reached. I don’t know how many it is, as that was a long time ago, but it was at least something to work with. It calmed me to know that even while sleeping I was burning up calories! Since I didn’t yet have a feeling or sense of what I needed, that objective number helped: “I need so much energy every day. My body needs it.”

Something else just occurred to me: My immediate environment was not in a conspiracy against me to make me fat. Those people who were concerned and wanted me to eat, were not bent on getting me fat. No. They “only” wanted me to stay alive. That’s a big difference. But way back then I used to think: “They’re jealous. They want to be skinnier than me. They want me to be fat.” What a load of garbage! But that’s how and what I thought.

There was a time when I ate normally. I jumped around, played, had fun, and came in for lunch and supper when my mother called. It was much less complicated then. The next time around, it needed to be learned. But it was possible! It is possible! You can do it!

About food

Lately I’ve heard various reports about fake food. For a while, it has bothered me to even think about where some things come from and how they are made. In fact, I don’t think about it. However, I realized recently that part of my lack of appetite these days is related to that. So much stuff isn’t nutritious, and just the thought of it kills my appetite. (Besides stress and lack of sleep!)

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I have decided to pay more attention to my eating and improve my habits. That has gone fairly well. Of course, while travelling and visiting with friends it was wonderful — nothing easier than eating out or being spoiled at a friend’s apartment with good home-cooked stuff.

Back home again, I went right back to work the next day, and didn’t have time to think about cooking. The next day I threw out a lot of stuff that was no longer good and had expired. I felt bad doing it, but that’s how it was. If I learned one thing in recovery, it is that I deserve good food. I am not willing to eat stuff that is a little over the edge. Besides, stuff like that doesn’t have much left in the way of nutrients.

Yesterday morning I had a staff meeting. Ate a quick breakfast at home — sweetbread, butter & coffee. At work someone had a birthday, so I had two pieces of black forest cake. It is my absolute favorite cake! I wasn’t really hungry at lunch time, so I just munched on some handfuls of mixed nuts and raisins. The lazy woman’s way to get protein and brain food. Then I walked into the city (10 minutes), got my hair trimmed, and did some clothes shopping.

I’ve decided to let my hair grow again somewhat. And I needed some new clothes to inspire me to weed out some of the old stuff that I never wear. I was in such a rush to move that I packed everything, and decided I would get rid of stuff here. So that’s what I’m doing. It was rather hot, so on the way home, I bought an ice cream cone with two scoops — rum raisin & stracciatella. Yum!

In the evening, I told myself it was okay to have a lazy day and not cook, but on the following day, action was required. Then my daughter called — in the middle of a crisis. Could I please pick her up at her girlfriend’s house? She’d just redone the blonde part of her hair, and in washing it out, the color from the black underneath got into the blonde and turned it gray-blue. She could not possibly take the train home in that condition!

I grumbled, but went to pick her up. When I saw her, I joked that she should leave it, because if people saw the gray from behind, and then her face, they’d say she looks fantastic! She wasn’t amused. On the way home, we swung by the famous fast-food place and I picked up an easy supper — chicken, fish, fries and a small coke. (I drink water.) It was kind of amusing — the girl at the counter smiled and asked if it was to stay or to go. (My daughter was waiting in the car.) I can remember going to such places and ordering that much food and more — to stay — and then leaving it there, so to speak. But those are old stories.

Anyway, usually I don’t care for that “food”, but sometimes it’s an easy way to bond. So we sat at the table and ate our fast food. To be honest, I don’t mind it every once in a while. It’s all a question of moderation.

But enough junk food! This morning I drove her to the hairdresser’s, then decided to hang out in the city until she was finished. I went to the health food store and got some nice vegetables, fruit, and some cheese, and on the way back bought a juicer. My juicer is nearly 25 years old, and it just doesn’t produce as much juice as it once did. I’ve been wanting to buy a new one for quite some time, and just “happened” to see this one while walking through town last week.

I cooked the good potatoes, made a nice little green salad with tomatoes, and served the potatoes with butter, salt & pepper, and cheese. Next to pancakes, that is one of my absolute favorite meals.

Why am I writing so much about food? Because it’s a normal part of life, and I want to take the mystery out of being healthy and eating “normally”. It’s all a matter of moderation. I’m not perfect. I’m sure some people may look down on me for eating cake, ice cream and fast food. That’s okay. I do it rarely enough that I quite enjoy the few occasions. And it is in keeping with my approach: Everything is allowed, it’s just a matter of moderation.

I’m sure some of you were thinking: TWO pieces of cake! Impossible! It’s either one forkful or the entire cake. Believe me, I know exactly where you’re coming from. I was there for a long time myself. The difference today is: I enjoy it. I don’t eat it and think it is a sin and feel guilty. I’m allowed to eat it, and one slice is enough. Or two — when it’s my favorite cake. And then I don’t have to force myself to stop. I’ve had enough and that’s it.

This sounds simple/next to impossible, I know. But I figure if I write about it, maybe it will click and someone might think: “Oh! That is possible? Hmmm.” The key is in allowing myself to live and eat, not expecting perfection, not putting myself down for bad habits, and trusting that I will improve my habits with time. It was a big adjustment with the move, and my thoughts were elsewhere. Since food is a basic necessity for me, I don’t really spend much time thinking about it to begin with. However, like I said, I’ve decided to go to the health food store one or two times a week. No, I don’t intend to go fully organic, but I figure every little bit helps. And I must admit, after eating really good food, I do feel good. Too much sugar spaces me out and makes me tired.

That’s it for today. I have to practice for tomorrow’s concert. Oh, by the way, it occurred to me that what I said yesterday about trying to convince myself vs. being convinced applies to the music as well. For tomorrow’s gig I am going to see what happens when I am convinced that I am good enough just the way I am. Focussing on getting into that frame of mind today! Have a good day!

Progress

In keeping with the enlightening revelation I received at the monastery this week, I am paying more attention to food and sleep. During a buddhist meditation I had the insight that in order to function, I need adequate nourishment and sleep. Since I moved, I tended to be very sloppy, was often too busy to eat, and the cats were keeping me up at night.

For the past few days, I’ve had a hot meal a day, and last night I had the great idea to close my door — one cat out in the hall, one in my room. Lo and behold, they were quiet until 4 am! And then again until 7:30! Almost a whole night’s sleep.

It’s really strange about the cooking. For years I resented the fact that my husband and I have totally different ideas about a good meal. He put down my grains and vegetables as “rabbit food” and I eventually gave them up. There was great anticipation about being able to cook and eat as I please when I move. But what was the reality? I was too busy or didn’t feel like it.

It’s all a matter of getting back into the habit. A few days ago I had a plastic container of left over cut-up vegetables that I’d prepared for guests. I took out a frying pan, put in a couple of tablespoons of olive oil, tossed in the vegetables and 5 minutes later had a nice warm meal — with a good slice of whole wheat bread on which I spread some of the left-over tuna fish salad. Perfect!

Yesterday I cut up fresh vegetables, prepared them again with olive oil, and had an organic veggie burger as well. (I bought it.) Today I went out with a friend to a chinese restaurant for lunch — another hot meal with hot & sour soup, various vegetables, chicken, and fruit. Yum!

It seems so old-fashioned, but at least one warm meal a day really does make a difference. I eat to live, rather than live to eat, and I don’t like to make a fuss over food. However, lately I realize that it does need just a bit more attention. Eating well is also an important factor in taking care of myself. I tend to do a lot for my emotional and spiritual well-being, and neglect the physical. That is changing!

I hesitated to mention food, and hope no one will be upset or whatever, but I thought maybe it could be helpful just to mention what I eat. It’s just regular old food. There’s nothing magical or mysterious about it.