Yesterday

Yesterday I was reminded of why I needed this separation. I went to the house to pick something up, but ended up staying a bit longer. My husband went shopping last week with our daughter and bought her a new loft bed, so as to gain more floor space. The legs needed to be shortened, so he’d suggested I bring her along to help him do it.

Unfortunately, she’d had other plans, but went along anyway. They had a disagreement. Both children are reconsidering their plans for the fall. I suggested that all four of us sit down to discuss things, since we all happened to be at the house. My husband responded: “Why bother to talk? You can’t talk sense with her, she gets all hysterical.” That was it. Not until much later did I realize he hadn’t responded much above the level of a teenager.

I was slipping down into that dark, helpless space which is so uncomfortably familiar. We left as soon as possible, but first I suggested my husband and daughter set up a date when he should bring the bed and they’ll assemble it together.

Something strange was going on. Yet again, I was put in that negotiating position. They each talked to me, but not to each other. That is a role I had as a child, and I hate it! I refuse to be the go-between and get drawn into their stuff. No more! I’m willing to mediate, but I want all parties to be present.

Once I got home, I went for a walk. I was quite upset and needed to get some fresh air to clear my head. True, his behavior is familiar — just like it always was. However, I want to move beyond that mode. So rather than complain and give up, I have decided to let go of the past and focus on now. That means: What is the issue? What are the possible alternatives and solutions? And how can we reach a decision which is suitable for everyone?

I considered for myself what is important and what possibilities there are, as well as the long-term goals. For now I will focus on that: solution-oriented communication. In the meantime, I sigh with relief and am glad I no longer have to deal with him on a daily basis. It is quite a drain!

First separated birthday

It was a success! I was a bit nervous about this first shared birthday celebration of our son since my husband and I separated a few months ago. Running late as usual, I managed to get the cake frosted and decorated (with “Happy Birthday” cut out of marzipan), stuck the candles on, and drove off — leaving the kitchen in a disastrous state.

Yesterday was very hot. That was somehow appropriate, as we were in the middle of a heat wave the day my son was born. I drove carefully, especially around the turns, and the cake was in one piece upon arrival. I just had to rotate the candles a bit, as the heat had melted them slightly.

We were all a bit nervous, and the relatives were late, so we stood around for a while. They eventually arrived, and we spent a nice afternoon drinking coffee and eating cake. Then the kids disappeared, and my husband offered wine and beer. I had brought some pretzels and mixed nuts along, just in case. See, we hadn’t discussed the particulars. My husband never liked to discuss things when we lived together, so why start now?

Anyway, the snack food stayed in the bag. I had tried to help with clearing away the coffee cups and plates, but he shooed me out of the kitchen. So I went back out and sat at the table like any other guest, and he brought out rolls, cheese and fine coldcuts. It was simple, but good.

It turned out to be an enjoyable evening, after the first awkwardness of the new situation was let go. We talked, laughed, reminisced — and I enjoyed socializing with the bunch of them, including my husband. It even seemed natural to kiss him on the cheek as I said goodbye. As I said, I am quite pleased. I believe it is important for the children to have some kind of normalcy amidst the change, and I am happy to see that both their father and I agree on that.

Although we have never done this before (separated) and it’s totally new territory for all of us, there is a basic atmosphere of well-meaning, respect, and even love, for which I am grateful. This is the separation I hoped and wished for. Nor do I have any regrets.

Time out and dinner

My daughter’s last day of school was yesterday. She brought home an excellent report card! I am very proud of her, as she did it all on her own. That was her choice. She is proud of herself as well. Since my son left today, we decided to go out to dinner last night to celebrate the end of school — all four of us.

It was the first time since I moved out that we got together. I felt a bit strange about it, but all went well. My husband greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and we had a nice meal together. We talked and joked about various things, and the evening passed rather quickly.

Originally, I had planned to get together once a week, but somehow that just never happened. We are all too busy, and I didn’t take the time to plan it. When my son gets home, I would like to do it again. It doesn’t have to be once a week. Every few weeks would be good, too. I’ll see how things turn out.

Like everything else, it’s a process. One step at a time. We’ll see how things work out and go from there.