Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

How can a bicycle be a source of philosophical insight and wisdom? Actually, now that I think of it — so is motorcycle maintenance! It’s often the things we don’t want that inspire us to grow the most. See, I had this bicycle accident on a bike I never wanted. I even cursed it that morning before I took off on that fateful ride. It was a mocking reminder of yet another incident in which I couldn’t say No.

Why did I have that bike? Because someone was convinced that he was doing me a favor, doing something nice for me. Meanwhile, my old bike was also a source of embarrassment (for the others, not me!), which I consider just plain stupid. It was old, yeah. But it was trusty, reliable, had gentle brakes, and I could park it in front of a store without locking it up. Nobody would steal a bike like that! It was simply perfect.

By not saying No, I endangered my own being. Not being able to say No has caused me a lot of grief and regret. Yet I needed one more jolt like lightning to finally get it through my head, to slow me down so I could wake up.

Think about it. Next time someone thinks they’re doing you a favor and you don’t want to hurt their feelings by refusing, you can gently, nicely and firmly say, “No, thank you. That is very thoughtful of you, but I really don’t want it.” As in my case, they may tease you for riding such an old bike until you finally give in. I am not against change, but do not advocate change through coercion. Now I understand. If they don’t accept me and my special preferences for things, which is only my business, that is their problem. Not mine.

Since the accident, doors and windows of my mind are blown open. Insights storm through like wind, and through the fall, I feel like the various aspects of this divided self were shaken up and put back together. The inability to say No has been one of several recurring themes in my life.

Another theme is the spiritual connection, which I felt very strongly as a teenager, but then lost. I lost it, because bulimia took up all of my time and energy, and then I was in a relationship with a person who thinks that is all humbug. Whether it is or not, is not the issue here. The issue is that spirituality is an essential aspect of my life.

Each of us has things that are important to them, and some things are neglected over the years — for various reasons, which don’t matter right now. The point is, that these important parts need to be acknowledged and reclaimed, especially if they are connected to our life’s reason and destiny. If we avoid facing up to things, avoid conflicts, we are not getting away with anything. The universe will simply have to utilize more drastic means. I’m not saying this as a threat, but intend it as encouragement. If your intuition tells you something, listen to it. If your heart tells you the same thing, again and again, maybe you need to act on it. I write this with the stipulation that these signs are positive and not injurious to others when we carry them out.

If I had said NO to the bike, and to my precious daughter, clearly and firmly, the accident would not have happened. I would have had that connection to the inner being and followed through on it. But I didn’t. It took the accident to get it through my head. I hope this makes sense. There is so much that I want to say, so many thoughts racing, it’s hard to concentrate. And the doorbell just rang, so I’ll take that as a sign. The odd thing is how things go in circles, always different yet always the same. That reminds me of a line from a wonderful song by the talking heads: same as it ever was.

Once in a Lifetime

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house,
with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself: well…how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? …am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!…what have I done?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

When I called my father yesterday, he was out of breath. He’d been out working in the garden and left the garage door open so he’d hear the phone. He kind of thought I might call and didn’t want to miss me. As soon as he heard the phone ring, he ran to answer it. I thought that was really sweet of him to tell me, and it was really touching to realize how much it means to him after all these years. I almost forgot to call, since we celebrated Father’s Day in Europe last week.

We talked about various things, catching up, and he mentioned his recent trip to Italy. Some of the others in their party were quite well-informed about art history, and he wished he’d paid attention better in school when they learned about fine arts and artists. I gave my standard lecture as a response: Everybody has areas in which they are experts. We tend to think that other people know everything we know as well as their areas of interest/expertise. I assured him that he has his special knowledge as well. In such situations, we can either pretend we know what the others are talking about, or we can take advantage of the opportunity to ask questions and increase our knowledge and understanding. He was astonished at his “wise daughter’s” words, as he said. I assured him I was speaking from experience, as I’ve often felt stupid and insufficient.

I’m so glad I called — because he revealed that he’d secretly been hoping I would, and because I was able to assure him that he’s not stupid. He just has other areas than art about which he is well-informed. I’m also glad that our relationship has improved so much over the past 15 years. It still warms my heart, so many hours later, as I am once again reminded how important small gestures are — and how much they mean to others.

Lately I’ve been in the strangest place. After spending a couple of years with bouts of bitterness and regret, a new, calm phase appears to be settling in. I almost feel detached from it all, floating above and simply looking at the situation (i.e. my life) and how things have developed. There are many things I appreciate, many others that I don’t. Now I feel fortunate to be able to view those less appreciated facts as part of the big picture. I look back and can understand how things happened, feel empathy for all people involved, and I feel acceptance.

At the same time, this awareness is calling me to wake up. Life is happening right now, and twenty years down the line I’ll be looking back on this year/phase of the journey. What do I want to see? I want to look back and remember how I learned to stop trying to be so nice and make everybody happy. Not that I have anything against being nice. It’s just when I give up part of myself in the process that it becomes undesirable.

Does this sound too abstract? Okay, I’ll provide a few illustrative examples. The town I’m in is quite sociable. Not the entire population, but there is a core group which is very active. There is always some kind of sports event or celebration going on, at which people stand around, talk, and drink alcohol. That’s not my idea of fun. I suppose if I hadn’t spent so many years of my life being bulimic, anorexic and in recovery, I might not feel such an urge to accomplish things. But that’s how it is. Therefore, for me to stand around, talk loudly over the loud music, drink, and wake up the next day with a hangover and scratchy throat just doesn’t cut it. I just don’t have the time to waste! If I had nothing else I’d rather do, I’m sure I could get into it, but I can’t.

Recently we had such an event and a friend called to ask why I wasn’t there. Rather than lie (headache, tired, depressed, busy, ill), I decided if she is my friend, she will accept me as I am. So I told her that I just don’t feel like being there. That’s how I am. Like it or leave it.

That’s a small example. The big example is my marriage. I’ve moved beyond being hurt, annoyed, humiliated, disappointed, and misunderstood. I admit, I’m still a little angry, but hey, I’m human! I can better understand what brought and kept us together. We both had our weakness, blindness, selfishness and character defects. Mix that all up and you can have one crazy relationship, that’s for sure! I’m totally in limbo, and being financially dependent doesn’t help. I didn’t win the lottery, but I wondered with a wry smile how many women (and men) play the lottery in the hopes of buying themselves free of their position as indentured servant. Okay, I do tend to exaggerate. It’s not THAT bad. But it’s bad enough to merit change.

After that big long talk a while ago, we’ve slipped right back into speechlessness. It’s like quicksand. If you don’t recognize it in time and react appropriately, it relentlessly pulls you down — slowly but surely. Luckily that is only a comparison. It doesn’t work with quicksand, but if you get stuck in speechlessness, you can talk your way out of it!

I’ve decided to write it all down first, collect my thoughts and see how they affect me. See, the problem is, I’m still so afraid of making waves and causing unhappiness, that I tend to block things out almost as soon as they become clear realizations. Putting them into writing makes them more concrete.

This does indeed seem to be a major hurdle in my life. I get so fed up with myself at times, because it is taking me so LONG to deal with this. There are pros and cons, and it is no easy decision. What makes it different this time around is: It’s not easy, but the decision is clear. For myself, I have decided that I want to end things. Now I am in the process of slowly approaching that goal of separation with the least amount of damage for all parties involved. Even though I have repeated a lot of the behavior learned from my parents, I do not intend to repeat their divorce. That I want to do better.

At this point, the serenity prayer is my best bet:
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Up until now, I’ve been pretty darn good at accepting things (and just complaining). I’m working really hard on the wisdom part right now, and then I assume the courage will be the main event.

Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself. Some changes take a lot of repetitions before we finally make them!