Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

I saw this written somewhere, and as usual, the wheels of my mind have been churning again. When I was a kid, I remember we used to go out to a steak place with an open salad bar. We would fill up on salad, and take the steak home for a second meal. When I was an adult living in New York City, I went with my best friend (also bulimarexic) to a place down in Greenwich Village with an all-you-can-eat salad bar. That was actually on the brink of recovery, because in the early days I never would have honestly gone out to eat with someone like that. There we sat, eating, smiling, talking, making occasional trips to the bathroom, and filling up on more. I think the bathroom there was good, too, because there was only one toilet, so you could lock the door and not have to worry about being “caught” by someone.

These days, it doesn’t really interest me, because I rarely am so hungry that I have seconds. But it’s been on my mind anyway. Thinking about our development, it actually makes sense that this type of offer would be so appealing. It speaks to our basic survival instinct, going back to the hunters and gatherers. Imagine how delighted they would have been at such a prospect! Fill up on whatever is available until you can’t eat anymore – that is how they lived. Imagine if someone back then had set up a steak house and salad bar! They probably would have thought they were in heaven!

But in this day and age, it really doesn’t make sense at all. Most of us (in the western world) can be fairly sure that the next meal is coming, so we don’t need to stuff ourselves just in case. We don’t have to look far. The way things have developed, the next food source (grocery store or restaurant) is not far away, so it is unlikely that we will die of starvation while seeking it.

Of course, as the division between rich and poor grows, it may actually become part of the survival strategy. If people can afford to go out to eat, they may fill up and then fast for a day or two, trying to make ends meet. I don’t know. The food situation really doesn’t look so good these days.

But just like we need to learn to restrain our aggressive impulses when we feel threatened, and realize that with our evolutionary development and civilization, there are more appropriate ways of dealing with anger and frustration when our buttons get pushed, we also need to adjust to the abundance of food and material things. Generally, we are not in life or death situations. We don’t need to hamster, although our survival instinct encourages such behavior. I believe our psychological/emotional development has some catching up to do!

On a tangent, I find it interesting that so many of us with eating disorders “learned to survive” emotionally in devastating family environments, and that many of us carry on in this survival mode, although it is long since out of date and no longer necessary. Isn’t life fascinating? Aren’t we strange creatures? I know I am.

Things have been kind of serious lately and one thing that really helped me through the various phases of recovery was humor. I learned to laugh at life, and even more important — I learned to laugh at myself.

Today I had a voice lesson, and my favorite part was to take out my guitar, start the finger picking intro like a dozen of my other songs, and then switch into the rhythmic I wish I could be normal song. There is something refreshing about that. Okay, so that’s my private joke.

Afterwards I had to rush off to pick up my kids for a double dentist appointment. I like to do that, because it appears that it could make life easier. Does it? Not always. Their schedules today are such that it wasn’t possible to just pick both up, go, and leave together. I picked my daughter up, brought her to the dentist, then went to pick up my son, who had just come home from school. We drove right back to the dentist’s office. When it was his turn, I left him there and drove my daughter to her next appointment.

During a few minutes of quiet in the car, my thoughts wandered to how I would spend the free afternoon. With a jolt, I remembered that my son was still at the dentist’s and would expect me to pick him up! I told my daughter and she cracked up. Imagine just forgetting your child at the dentist’s office while you live it up at home with a cup of coffee and a good book!

I’m a little out of it because I didn’t have a good lunch. I ate an energy bar on the way there, then thought I’d get a bite to eat with my son afterwards, but he didn’t want to. I dropped him off at his friend’s and bought a few groceries on the way home. By then I was so hungry and tired that I wasn’t in the mood to cook anything. So I just had some yoghurt, followed by a cup of coffee and a pastry. I know, I know, that is really not the most nutritious lunch. I added a few spoonfuls of peanut butter to give me some kind of protein or substance. Played guitar and sang for a while, but I am really tired.

Why am I rambling on like this? Because this is a typical wipe-out day. All the running around, picking up, dropping off, not eating — it really tires me out. That’s another typical situation that could set off a binge. You know — the just snacking, tired, really want a good meal but too tired to bother, then maybe feel deprived by the snack because a wholesome meal would have been better, but then you’re not hungry kind of situation… And I just realized I’m even too tired to laugh. So I’ll write about humor some other time.

What to do? By now, it’s almost suppertime. I think I will meditate (which will most likely turn into more of a nap) and then figure out something nice for supper. A warm meal works wonders — even if it’s just spaghetti and tomato sauce. And that is so low-effort, I can make it while sleep-walking.

There is a point to this rambling. What I’m trying to describe is a less-than-optimal situation that doesn’t have to become a binge or related bad experience. You just need to slow down. Take a few minutes to evaluate the situation, your needs, and consider what would satisfy you. That will help you conjure up the extra energy necessary to make a good meal. Afterwards you’re sure to feel better. If not, it’ll almost be bedtime, so go ahead — go to bed, and curl up with a book until your eyelids fall shut. That feels good. And tomorrow you’ll wake up and possibly feel well-rested. As opposed to waking up exhausted, after an afternoon/evening of bingeing and puking — all because you got a little tired and didn’t eat well enough at the right time.

Of course, this preventive advice is based on the physiologically-induced binge situation (hungry and tired). I haven’t mentioned emotional or psychological factors (angry and lonely, for example). There are all different kinds of situations propitious for bingeing, and various strategies to avoid it. It just takes some patience, creativity, awareness and lots of practice — one step at a time. By the way, I don’t mean to offend anybody with the word “puking” — but I like to tell it how it is. There’s no point in making it sound more attractive than it is, don’t you think?

I confess, I wanted to be a perfect mother. Now that I have more experience in the matter, I opt for the “good-enough mother” description. As long as I do the best I can with the resources available at the moment, I am doing my job. You see, I ran myself ragged the first few (10?) years, and then realized that it was to nobody’s benefit.

Naturally, there is one especially important issue: Food. I have a burning desire to prevent eating disorders in my children. How? I never make them finish everything on their plates – not even if there’s only one bite left. I encourage them to serve themselves, so they get a sense of how much they need. Now I sometimes regret that I wasn’t more insistent about them at least trying new things, but that’s how it is.

Part of my recovery was about being good to myself, which means the food looks nice, and if it’s meant to be served warm, then that’s how I want to eat it. A cold, chopped-up half-portion on a child’s plate does not interest me. As a rule, I never finish things on their plates. Table scraps are table scraps, and I am not a garbage can! Neither are my children!

My husband grew up without eating disorders but with less abundance, and has a tendency to finish things. (His parents experienced the Second World War and the food scarcity, which left an impression on him.) He suggests that the children finish things on their plates, but it’s more a reflex on his part – a habit I gently ignore. They don’t let it bother them. He has mentioned the starving children in China, and my son at one point asked: “What good will it do them if I eat this?” Lately, I’ve taken to joking: “Ask Papa if he wants to eat it. Otherwise I’m sending it to China.” By no means do I encourage waste, I just don’t want things swallowed at all costs.

Unfortunately, I was overzealous with my first-born. I cooked vegetables and pureed them myself, but overdid it on the carrots. To this day, she cannot eat carrots. (Back then I didn’t quite get it about the need for variety.) In fact, she doesn’t like most vegetables, which is a shame, but I can’t force her to eat them. I keep hoping she’ll end up with a boyfriend who likes vegetables. Never underestimate the power of love! (Meanwhile, a couple of her favorite meals actually have vegetables smuggled into them!)

I definitely made some mistakes, but on the positive side: I breastfed both babies for 9 or 10 months, I give them regular meals, and don’t have much snack food in the house. Now that they are teenagers, they like to take their meals in front of the TV at times – and sometimes their schedule varies, because they are out with friends or hanging out in their rooms on the weekend, and at 10 pm suddenly realize they are starving! But generally we eat together at the table. There is no TV in that room, and the radio is always off during meals. For me, the importance of the meal is not what’s on the table, but that we are all sitting together.

My daughter has a weakness for ice cream, but I blame that on the heat wave during my pregnancy. Cold baths and ice cream were a matter of survival! She definitely does tend towards sweets. I have enough in the house to prevent feelings of deprivation, but not enough that it becomes a problem.

My son is easier. He likes vegetables and has always been a good eater. Maybe that’s because he had more variety from the start. He likes sweets as well, but is quite moderate. (Funny enough, during that pregnancy there was another heat wave, but I didn’t eat quite as much ice cream.) His behavior reassures me that either I didn’t do everything wrong, or that a lot has to do with a person’s character. (I don’t mean just about eating!) He is the athletic type and easy going.

Watching children eat and grow is a unique experience. Sometimes it seems like they get by on nothing. Other times they consume large quantities as if they’re starving and you can literally watch them grow.

My daughter had the tendency to get a bit pudgy, then shoot up a few inches. That was her rhythm. She is not very athletic. (She gets that from me! I think we both grew too quickly and were thus uncoordinated. As an adult, I’m coordinated and enjoy sports more than I did back then.) When she was 11 years old, her tummy was again round for a long time. I made a subtle effort to be more active and cut back on cookies, but I did not make an issue of it. I remember one occasion when we went out to dinner with two other families. One of the fathers and his teenage son are both somewhat overweight and he had mentioned it as a problem on past occasions. My daughter wanted dessert. This man, meaning well, I am sure, said something to the effect of: “Are you sure you want dessert? Look at that stomach! Don’t you want to have a nice figure?”

I was furious, but managed to control myself. I glared at him and indicated that he be quiet. My daughter told him that she always gets a bit round before growing taller, just as I had explained to her at some point. After she enjoyed her dessert and went outside with the other children to play (they have a wonderful yard and play area at this restaurant, which is very popular with families), I told him that I’d had an eating problem for several years, that I would not make an issue out of a little tummy in puberty, that I don’t want him to make any more such comments in her presence, and that guilt is not the way to deal with it – the best way to start an eating disorder is to feel guilty and go on a diet. I won’t go into exact details, but today he is still overweight, and my daughter is now taller than I am, beautiful, and slim. And she still enjoys the occasional dessert!

She still has a slightly round tummy, which sometimes bothers her. I tell her she looks fine, which she does. Actually, since she’s started going out more and walking more (and I stopped driving her everywhere), that tummy has diminished of its own accord.

An experience of my own comes to mind. When I was 13, a male friend of the family patted me on the butt and made a comment about my curves. That shocked me, and I felt dissatisfied with my body and very uncomfortable.

I remember when my daughter was in kindergarten, she came home one day and asked me if I thought my thighs were too fat! I was quite surprised, but said, “No. I’m happy just the way I am.” I’ve worked hard to promote that image, as I know how much we pick up from our mothers. (Mine was tall and skinny and always on a diet! I realized later she used to binge and then fast. Many years later she confessed that she’d even tried to throw up, but had never been able to do it. Gee, am I surprised about my own behavior as a young woman?)

So, it’s not easy. I do the best I can as a mother, and still have to cope with outside/societal influences as well, over which I have no control. Things are generally working out well. I have conveyed an attitude towards food as being a pleasant necessity, but not overly important. It is definitely not an enemy, which is how I once perceived it. In retrospect, there are a few things I would do differently, but isn’t life always like that?

My daughter just got home after a long day at school and said, “Mommy, I’m starving! Please make me something nourishing to eat!” Little things like that make my day.