Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

Yes, that’s right! After all the reflection, wondering, regretting, determining, dreaming, questioning and even crying during the past weeks, it was time for some relief. Last night my sister-in-law’s husband threw a party in a warehouse, with lots of people and really good live music. I know, I recently condemned partying, talking loud, drinking too much, etc., but sometimes it can be a nice change of pace. Along with my husband, two girlfriends went with me. We sat at a table with some of our relatives, and met two women we’d never seen before. It turned out to be a wonderful evening, with lively, interesting conversation, and lots of laughter.

My two girlfriends belong to a tight circle of women who go through everything together. There are six or seven of them in the inner circle, and they have more or less adopted me with no reservations – even though I don’t like to party as much as they do. It’s a group where secrets can be shared and one can be sure they will never squeeze out to the outside world. These are women who tell each other how it is. They joke that the first one to leave after a gathering is unfortunate, because the rest of them will talk about her. Yet they have strong caring and constructive bonds. When one is in trouble or has difficulties, the others are there to talk and help. They’ve helped each other move and clean the old and new residences. They party together. And they play together – whether it be skiing, tennis, hiking, or going to sports events.

To be as active as they are would be too much for me. I am a bit more selective about how much excitement I want in my life, but they accept that and I feel good about it. Since I was the designated driver, I got to fully enjoy watching them get slightly smashed and be silly. Yet it wasn’t all silly. One of them is what people might call a “witch” or fortune-teller. She can read palms, but confided once that it isn’t really the palm or the lines, but the energy that counts. Last night she stood next to me and said a couple of times that something wasn’t right. She could tell. I smiled and held her hand for a few minutes and said, “Yes, but I know I don’t have to tell you why.” She smiled back.

A male friend was there without his girlfriend. He is easily distracted by other women, more so when he’s out on his own. Last night one of the two women we met was definitely his type. My two friends saw that right away, and as the evening went on, they kept an eye on him and this woman. I didn’t even notice it, but then one of them pointed it out to me. Eventually he disappeared with her to the upstairs bar, and one girlfriend called a mutual male friend (woke him up) and told him to text message this guy and tell him to keep his hands off the woman! Much later on, we also went up to the bar. As he was standing rather close to the other woman, my friends called to him and beckoned that they should join us. They were all laughing, and he referred to them as his chaperones. I was amused, but also touched that they would watch out for him (and his girlfriend, in a sense).

Towards 2 am they’d had enough, and my husband was tired as well. So we headed back to the car and I drove home. On the way, they were silly like two teenagers – calling two other girlfriends who’d been out elsewhere, giggling and apologizing for waking one of them. Then the giggling continued as they thought about who else they could call and whether or not we should go into town to the old disco that plays stuff from the fifties and sixties. But they were reasonable enough to admit that they were much too tired and drunk. I treasure that mix of girlish silliness, fierce loyalty, devotion and willingness to help each other out — no matter what. And even though I tend to be a hermit, I really am glad to be part of that group.

Next Friday those musicians have a gig in the pedestrian zone in town. I look forward to more fun, and being able to walk there, have a few glasses of wine and take a taxi home. Sometimes it really is good to lighten up and not view everything so seriously.

Today is a special day. I’m sure everyone can remember the first time they fell in love – and their first broken heart. (Hmmm… how many times can one heart break?) Well, today my first love celebrates his birthday, wherever he is. (I’ve always been good at remembering birthdays!) Rather than find a song about love that’s gone by or whatever, I chose the song that I associate with that time of our lives, because every time I hear it, I think of him. He worked as a dishwasher at a cool place in town, and I went there as often as I could, just to see him. This song could often be heard playing in the background. Hard to believe it was 30 years ago!

So think about your first love today. Maybe you’re still with him or her. Maybe not. Either way, say a little prayer of thanks that they are/were in your life. Every person you have ever loved has helped make you what you are today.

Give a little bit

I wasn’t going to write today, because the mood is rather subdued. I ran over a cat while I was driving home last night and feel terrible about it. Not that I could have prevented it. I was driving slow enough, but it just shot out of nowhere right in front of me. Until last night, I’d always managed to stop. There are several cats in the neighborhood and I’m used to watching out for them. So today I am pondering how suddenly things in life can change — from one second to the next, and how important it is to always be aware and alert. In the now. I intended to pick a goddess card, but got distracted. (By the way, here’s a link if you want to see what they look like: Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards if anyone is interested.)

In the meantime, I just heard from a friend that his son’s illness has worsened and they don’t expect him to live more than a few days. That really devastated me. I’d known he was ill, but he’d been stable for a while, so I kind of expected him to recover.

When I got the email about his son, I sat here and cried, not knowing what to answer. We’d planned to meet tomorrow, and he was cancelling due to the worsening situation. I sat quietly. I did not want to already offer condolences. Then I knew what to say. I told him what I’d heard just the other day: “As long as you are breathing, there is hope.” And I promised to light a candle, which I’ve already done.

The friend I had moaned to this morning about the cat wrote back and asked me which goddess card I’d picked. I had completely forgotten about it! (I’d mentioned to her that it seemed like it was a good day to pick a card.) In the middle of writing back, I stopped, not wanting to get distracted again. The deck nearly split as I lay out the cards.

Who did I pick? Mother Mary. She says: “Expect a miracle. Trust that your prayers will be heard. Trust is the light which shines upon your path. Without trust, the future appears to be terrifying. Thus it is necessary for you to take every step in good faith and trust. Please don’t give up hope — not for yourself and not for others. Let the light of faith shine in your soul. Even the smallest spark of hope can chase away the darkness of doubt. Be the light that can shine for others when they lose hope. When you support others, you not only help yourself. You help the whole world.” She advises one to “Think positive. Let go of all worries and fears. Be aware and follow the godly direction you receive. Pray. Focus on spiritual healing.”

That is exactly what I needed to hear. I will pray and trust and expect a miracle. I cannot determine ahead of time what the miracle will be, but I will pray until I glow with hope and faith, and that miracle will occur.

Remember: As long as you are breathing, there is hope.