Full Moon

The moon is full tonight and my cat is rather bonkers. The first night in the new apartment was also a full moon. So I’ve been here four weeks now. It seems much longer. I drove to the house today to use the internet. My daughter accompanied me. It was eerie. I commented to her that the town where my husband lives already seems so strange and unfamiliar. It is not at all like going home. We just drove there to visit and use the computer.

My husband has been very cooperative. My fears have since been dissipated. I was afraid he would abandon us, be nasty, hate me, or even kill himself. That is what kept me with him for so long. But when I realized I was killing myself slowly in the process, I decided that I was not willing to sacrifice my life for him. I also realized that he is responsible for himself. My actions do not determine what he does.

In the meantime, he has made changes in the house, is quite orderly, and seems relieved and even content. Today I suggested we get together in the near future – go out to dinner and talk. He said he doesn’t have time next week. Okay, the week after is fine. I’d like to sit down and talk – ask him how he is doing, and also what he thinks of the manuscript. I gave him the German translation of my book to read. I think it is important to get his feedback before it goes to print.

On the way back to the apartment, as we turned left at the traffic light, I smiled and said to my daughter: “It seems so familiar already, doesn’t it?” She agreed. We have our new home and feel very much at home. It is amazing how quickly things can change.

Full moon

There was something exciting about spending the first night in the new apartment during the full moon. I’ve always been affected by the moon, so it seemed appropriate. Most of the day and evening were spent getting organized, assembling bookshelves, and putting things away. It was nearly 11 pm by the time I finally looked outside. There was a glow behind the mountains, and I thought I had missed the moon. But as I sat there, sipping a glass of wine, it got brighter and eventually the rim of the moon emerged. After a while, it was there — in it’s full glory.

Yesterday was a warm summery day, and the night was just as mild. So I sat on the balcony, moongazing, and jumping up every 5 minutes to do one more thing that occurred to me. Still I felt peaceful and content as I surveyed the results of the past week’s efforts.

Yesterday afternoon a strong man materialized once again at just the right moment and helped us carry two more pieces of furniture up the two flights of stairs. It was uncanny — three times it happened that I brought stuff to the apartment building, then realized I would not be as easily able to carry the stuff up as anticipated — and three times help appeared at just the right moment. My daughter and I probably could have managed — but it surely would have taken us 5 times as long. The man helped me carry one thing, and while my daughter and I debated what to do next, he’d gone back down and carrried up the table for the balcony all by himself! Ah, gratitude!

There have been a few sudden bouts of tears — often while driving, as then I tend to reflect and let my thoughts wander. Otherwise I’ve been so busy with practical aspects, I haven’t really thought much. Yesterday and today, as I was driving between the apartment and the house, it hit me. Although I have no regrets, I do feel incredibly sad. Life is changing. The tears come of their own avail, helping me to bid adieu to a long chapter in this life. True, I am optimistic and trust that all will work out well, but I’m a bit weepy today as well.

Excited and sad, I start on a new round in this game — a round with no defined rules. It’s to be figured out as I go along. This is how I’ve wanted to live, but I must say, it feels a bit strange — like a brand new pair of shoes that hasn’t yet been broken in. But once those shoes are broken in, they may become quite comfortable.

There’s nothing like a revelation

What a night! Actually, it started last night. I was a bit grumpy, but otherwise things went well at work, and although I was on the night shift, I actually got everything done and was in bed by midnight. The window at the head of the bed is just slightly above the bed, so I lay there looking out the window, marveling at the brightness of the snow. The moon had been the last thing on my mind lately, but last night I was sure it was full.

Cut to tonight. I was actually on TV. At least, according to the program I was. I didn’t bother to watch, although I originally intended to. Instead, I finished watching a DVD that I bought a while ago and never got around to watching. It’s “Shadows of the Sun” with Harvey Keitel. It was a wonderful movie. I’ll try to word this right, as I’m slightly bursting with joy (and have had a couple of glasses of wine). I won’t bother to go into details, but the key line is: “I want to write because I can’t imagine doing anything else.” Why didn’t I see this movie 20 years ago? Well, it didn’t exist, and back then I might not have gotten it anyway.

The realization that I am doing what I do because I can’t imagine doing anything else is something that came during the past year. It’s like an incredibly intricate puzzle piece that suddenly fits perfectly, though you’ve spent the last half hour trying to figure out where it goes. Whether or not anything comes of it, I know my calling and that is what I must do.

It’s the same with the music. I just finished recording a CD and have spent the past week listening to it over and over, hearing only the mistakes, the tiredness in my voice, everything I did wrong, the song I should have left out. But I was too driven and stubborn. Couldn’t and wouldn’t stop and had to get it done. For me it is a major thing to do what I need to do, regardless of how the environment reacts. True, I cannot live a lifetime without taking the world around me into consideration, but neither can I let the people around me determine my life and who I am.

So tonight I watched that movie. And at 10.30 pm I knew that the interview and songs (I sang 3 of my songs playback and had a 5-minute interview) would be on TV, but I just couldn’t stop watching the film. (Anyway, I’ll get a DVD with the interview and songs, so it’s not like I won’t see it.) Just as the film was finished, my son called to remind me to pick him up from his friend’s house at 11 pm. (I’d promised earlier that I would pick him up.) I went outside and noticed how bright it was. Then I looked up into the sky, and there it was: the full moon! Beautiful, bright, glowing, absolutely perfect. And I thought to myself: “I want to write because I can’t imagine doing anything else.” Wow!

I’ve always been attuned to the moon, but kind of lost touch lately. So much has been on my mind. How appropriate that this revelation would occur tonight, when I’m on TV, but watch a movie instead and hear that line. That’s almost exactly what I wrote in my journal several months ago, but it’s still sinking in. I take this as an encouraging wink. I truly cannot imagine doing anything else. Writing makes me whole.