Mistakes

Yesterday was a bit hectic at work — I think the changeable weather was to blame. In the chaos, I made a couple of small mistakes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I wasn’t pleased.

This morning the sun is shining. I got off night duty at 8:30, but hung around for another hour drinking coffee and chatting with colleagues and residents. As I drove home, I had a big smile on my face. Like my boss said: “This is a great job for perfectionists, because mistakes are inevitable.” Why the smile? Well, I realized I’ve learned a lot in the nearly one year since starting the job. I do it well, and am critical of the little mistakes, because I’ve become so competent. But there is always room for improvement. That’s what makes the job challenging.

And one day at work is never like the next. The residents (mentally handicapped) have ever changing moods, needs, and topics of conversation. Thus there is no danger of settling down into a routine. It keeps me on my toes, and that is good. I don’t want a boring job.

Last night the one mistake bugged me. But then I thought to myself: “Okay. You see that even you can be unnerved and unintentionally let something slip by.” It’s not such a big deal. Next time I bet I’ll do better. And all of us make mistakes now and then. I think it would be irritating if one colleague was perfect. Have a nice day!

To err is human

…but who wants to make mistakes? Not me! I want to be perfect! Well, I’m out of luck as far as that goes. I’ve been at the new job for nearly 5 months already, and I still don’t know everything. (Will I ever?!) Because I don’t know everything and anticipate everything, I am prone to make mistakes. They are generally little, non earth-shattering mistakes, but they are mistakes nonetheless.

On the way home after a short night (night shift), a couple of fresh mistakes as well as less-than-optimal handling of a situation were in my thoughts. Guess what I did? I told myself it’s normal to make mistakes and that’s part of the process. There is no need to take them home with me and fret or obsess for the rest of the day. I’m learning through the mistakes, learning to communicate better — some mistakes occur by forgetting to pass on certain information. It’s similar to the guy driving in front of me who doesn’t signal before he turns, because he assumes I can read his mind. I can’t! Nor can my colleagues know what happened at work and what needs to be done if I don’t give them accurate information.

I’m not constantly making mistakes. It’s more little things that could use improvement for optimal functioning. But this week I did a good one. Ouch! Thank you, Higher Power! I am learning to accept what I did, to explain it without trying to make it sound better than it is, and to simply feel and let go of that inner tension which results. Yes, I made a mistake and I will face any consequences. But that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. Nor does it mean that I’m incompetent. And of course it was not made intentionally.

Driving home, I realized that I haven’t really learned how to deal with such situations appropriately, but that they are part of growing up. I learned to try to deny it, to pretend it didn’t happen, or to pretend I didn’t know what I did. Or if there was something I didn’t understand or felt unsure of, I would avoid it the best I could. A very wishy-washy event, if you ask me!

In any case, I am grateful for this job for this reason as well. It is teaching me that I can’t know and do everything perfectly, nor is it expected of me. It is teaching me to ask questions, to let down the barrier of pride and simply be straight out, be open to the situation at hand. This morning I even shared some of my shortcomings with a colleague. By sharing my insight, I let her know that I am aware, working on those shortcomings, and open to suggestions for improvement. At work it is only expected that I be honest, not perfect. Oh, and of course it is expected that I do my best!

Looked at from a different perspective, I’m actually quite pleased with how I’ve adjusted. I’ve learned a lot, have developed some sense of routine, understand the job better and feel increasingly competent. I recognize my weaknesses and resolve to work on them, but am also happy at the little successes that occur along the way. It is satisfying at the end of the shift to review things and see what I got done — knowing I did most of it right.

By the way. There’s a second part to this saying, remember? To forgive is divine. Not only that we forgive others or they us, but that we also forgive ourselves. (Personally, I find it much easier to forgive others.) When I truly forgive myself, I also accept myself exactly the way I am. When I do that, I feel peaceful, generous and loving. It is truly amazing.

Coincidences and Letting Go

Here I go harping on letting go again, as if I haven’t mentioned it enough. Believe me, I seem to need to re-understand it on a daily basis, so I’ll risk writing on it here again as well. I’ve had some marvelous coincidences the past few days which I’d like to share.

First of all, at work the other day, a very perceptive colleague asked me how the holidays were. She is the same colleague that a couple of months ago told me: “Couples that can part easily, are ready to part. If they have trouble parting, then they aren’t ready yet.” That stuck in my mind. So when she asked me how the holidays were, I told her straight out: “Christmas and New Year’s Eve were great, and in between I ended my marriage.”

Since nothing shocks her, she answered without batting an eyelash: “It would be interesting to know what the energy was like on that day, according to the Mayan Calendar.” And proceeded to tell me a bit about it. I looked up the website and was impressed to see that on that day, the saying was: “Today I draw upon all necessary strength to pursue the path of freedom, taking a further step to work through my karma.” No wonder I felt such an intensity that day! The next day was something about the heart…it wouldn’t have been appropriate at all!

Of course I checked to see what the energy was like on the day of my birth: Blue Spectral Night. That fit perfectly, as blue has been an important color in my life. In fact, the walls of my room are sort of mediterranean blue. It said: “Some of my channels for fulfillment are clogged and blocked. Today is the best day to free them. I willingly accept this offer.” There is more: “I dissolve in order to dream. Releasing intuition, I seal the input of abundance. With the spectral tone of liberation, I am guided by my own power doubled.” The description mentions the burdens of my life which have accumulated through various learning processes, and that they are incredibly strong zones of interference which hinder my freedom. Further, it says that these burdens play a much larger role than we even begin to suspect. Blockades and frozen patterns need to be dissolved.

Well, freedom has been a major theme or issue in my life and writing, so this was more than appropriate. And it’s funny that she told me about it when she did, because today is the same energy sign (KIN 63) as on the day of my birth. I thought I would sit my whole family down for the big talk, but we weren’t all home at the same time today, and now it’s evening and we’re getting ready for school tomorrow, so I think I’ll wait.

That doesn’t bother me. The truth is: freedom is in my head and spirit. In my very being. When I accept that freedom, I don’t need to plan talks. They will happen when the time is right. Important is that I let go of my fear and simply face the truth. Truth and freedom go together.

That was one coincidence. Another one happened yesterday. A few days ago, I decided I really need to get some further training. Since I plan to move back to the States in four or five years, it would be good to gather accreditation and experience. I’d looked last spring, but didn’t find anything that really excited me. Then I got my job, so I stopped looking. I like my job, but it’s not my future. That is clear.

So yesterday I went to my friend’s house for coffee. Her husband mentioned a three-year course he is taking. My friend had taken the same course a couple of years previously. It is training for process-oriented groups. For example, dealing with families, in offices, or with certain groups. It involves a few courses on communication, conflict management, group processes, communication and self-worth in the family, process and moderation, etc. My friend and her husband said it helped them both personally as well as occupationally, and they could really picture me taking the course. It’s one weekend a month, so definitely doable. And it’s quite affordable.

I’m a bit impatient and didn’t want to wait until the fall. Her husband said the next group starts in February! We checked the website on the spot. Yesterday was the last day to apply. Then I checked the schedule, since I’m doing two concerts on March, both on a Saturday. No problem, the seminar is the week after the second concert. July and August are free. Perfect. That’s when I want to go to the States.

I called the director when I got home. They accept 20 participants, and have ONE place left! I sent my application per e-mail and have an interview on Friday. Thank goodness, I’m off that day. I’m not totally counting on it or anything. I’ll just see how the interview goes. But I have a feeling it’s the right thing.

Lately I’ve felt that my job is not my future. I am eternally grateful for it, for the opportunity to get work experience, to re-enter the working world, and through the process to regain confidence that I can indeed hold a job and do it well. I know my boss will be sorry to see me go, but she is very supportive and wishes me well, which I think is great.

The point of all this is: I am working with what I have, following my intuition, thinking and sending wishes to the universe, and suggestions and possible solutions are coming. This feeling of connection is exciting and rewarding, and it’s also reassuring — a sign that I’m on the right path. I know that already, but encouragement is always appreciated!

This reminds me of a saying from the 12-Step program: “Let go and let God.” It’s so true! I let go and don’t feel I have to control everything. And sure enough, Higher Power brings me all that I need.