Winter Sun

Christmas has come and gone. In this country, Christmas Eve is the time to celebrate. Christmas Eve I worked (24-hour shift) and got home mid-morning on the 25th. So, our celebration was postponed — but fit right in, since my children are also US citizens. The four of us had a nice lunch together, opened the few small presents under my little tree, and then my husband and I drank coffee together. He was surprised to get a present, and quite happy. Afterwards, he and my son left. I straightened up, and in the evening went to the movies.

Yesterday as I sat on the balcony (it’s not THAT cold!), I was awestruck by the hush in the city. Everything was so quiet! There is a magic in the air, regardless of one’s level of enthusiasm — or lack of it. (I tend more towards the Grinch side, simply because I don’t like the whole commercialized aspect of Christmas.)

But what this really is about, is the winter sun. That is a phrase I have heard before, but I never knew what they were talking about. The sun is the sun — whether in winter or summer. However, this year, my perception is enhanced. I have been amazed (and blinded) by the intense sun during the past few weeks. The golden ball shining behind a thin veil of clouds is breathtaking! Several times I wished I’d had my camera with me. Maybe I’ll manage to get a picture at some point. The winter is not yet over!

This new sense of perception is a sign of coming back to life. I am happy like never before. My senses are open, awake, curious — after lying dormant for years. From one year to the next I’d closed down, merely functioning.

This past year brought a lot of change in my life. I took action, proved my courage, used the opportunity of one crisis after another to grow, and I finally began to live the life I’d always wanted to lead. The life I had started to lead back in 1985, but then interrupted when I moved to Europe. I’m back on track and I love it!

The sun is shining today. Tuesday’s snow-covered landscape has been replaced by shades of brown and green. After the bout of cold and snow, it thawed and rained. Still there is a hush of magic in the air.

I wish you all the best, that you enjoy the last few days of this year. I wish everyone a good start in the New Year. May your wishes come true. May your dreams take shape. May you step up and face the challenges and crises life dishes out, giving you the opportunity to grow and fulfill your destiny!

Thank you all for your comments, emails and wonderful feedback during the past year. I look forward to what 2010 will bring!

Things have certainly changed

The sun is shining on this clear, crisp fall morning. It’s been a busy week, with several morning appointments. This morning I have the luxury to move slowly, hang out in my pyjamas, drink coffee, and relax. I don’t have to go to work until the afternoon.

My birthday isn’t until next Friday, but today I’m in a reflective mood. I’ve now been working for exactly one year. Since then, I’ve moved out of the house I shared with my husband and gotten my own apartment — for a time-out after 24 (no adjective) years, enrolled in a three-year training program to enhance personal development as well as vocational prospects, and I’ve finally gotten in touch with my heart and have a better picture of how I want and need my life to be.

Clarity has made its entrance, and I want it to hang around for a while. It provides me with a different approach. The scattered fragments of my life and being are falling into place. Things start to make sense, and I feel more (whole) than I have for a long time!

There are still mistakes and aspects of reality which are rather painful, but the relief from taking the necessary steps to reinstate my integrity and emotional well-being certainly make it worth it. This is a process, and these are further steps along the way. Meanwhile, my relationship with my daughter has been in the process of healing, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Recently I have experienced the fear and uncertainty that accompany an unsettling financial situation. Yes, it is indeed frightening, but I tell myself that all will work out for the best — I just don’t know what that looks like. Thus I may not recognize what is best, since it appears to be rather difficult at the moment.

The season of adjusting to the new apartment has passed. I spent countless evenings mellowing out on the balcony — with a glass (or two) of wine and a cat or two. I started and stopped smoking a few times. Even though I know better, it was too tempting to resist: What a pleasure to sit on my own balcony at all hours of the night — drinking, smoking and thinking, and knowing that no one would come outside with a disapproving frown on his face and ask with visibly strained patience when I was finally going to bed.

So, yes, it has been a time of chilling out and numbing out. It wasn’t exactly admirable behavior, but I gave myself permission to be “bad” for as long as necessary. However, I didn’t really consciously give myself permission until a few weeks ago, and that’s when the need began to diminish. It was helpful to tell myself that I could do what I wanted to do and enjoy it. I knew it wasn’t a permanent condition.

Sure enough, the fresh air and hope of the fall air have invigorated me with the desire for a clear head and the ability to breathe freely, and so I am once again able to let go of alcohol and nicotine. No, I didn’t drink and smoke excessively, but it was enough. It is humbling to recognize and admit that no matter how much recovery I have “in the bank”, it’s still about one day at a time, one step at a time, and the willingness to let go. I won’t elaborate, but trust that this insight is good for something! If nothing else, a lesson in humility is always helpful.

And so this life year draws to an end. There are new insights, new projects, new goals, and new friends to accompany me along the path. I am very much in the process of change and growth. It is overwhelming at times, but I just remember to go step by step, to breathe, and to trust that all is as it is meant to be. That’s it.

One Year Old

I’ve been so busy, that I only now noticed that I started this blog one year ago in February! So, somewhat belated, I would like to thank all of my readers for their support, comments, and emails. Thank you for shared confidences, for your trust, and for your encouragement. I’ve had my up and down moments during the course of the year and greatly appreciated the feedback along the way.