Crisis anyone?

In a sense, it has been the calm before the storm. I have been collecting my energy, assessing my resources, and now am in the midst of a big change. It is fairly easy to go along from day to day as long as things stay the same. In the past, the strategy was: cope and complain.

After a season of soul-searching and reflection, the time has come. This weekend I officially start the search for my own apartment. The timing couldn’t be worse. Finances on a global level are somewhat precarious, and it trickles all the way down to me. But then, timing has never been one of my strengths. Why start now?

Just kidding! Now is the time, thus the timing is right — regardless of appearances. During the past few days, I have consulted the Mayan Calendar to know if the timing is propitious. It is. The themes have been about birth through fire, letting go of all that doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been encouraged to open my heart like a flower to the sun and let it help me grow.

With a focus on unconditional love, it is a time for illumination, and to join the dance of light. While reading “The Temple of the Subway Goddess” I often smile and think: Perfect timing! This is just the novel I needed! I’m reading it slowly, enjoying the sound of the words, the style of writing, the energy, and the thoughts and feelings that it evokes within me. Literature has always been a saving grace to my existence.

It was a long, agonizing talk, but I remained calm, shed few tears, and focussed on staying grounded and firm. It worked. I won’t go into details, but want to share this to encourage others, which is why I’ll tell you how I am now. Inside everything is churning. I am excited, impatient, and a little scared, but I know this is the path I am destined to take.

I must be patient, as even major change can only occur in steps — if it is to be done well, and that is my goal. There is a certain sense of responsibility that we all get through this as well as we possibly can — my children, my husband and myself.

Yesterday I stood in the kitchen nearly in tears. I felt so alone. All of my friends are so far away, I told myself. Who can I talk to? Then I decided to reach out here — locally. I called one friend. She didn’t answer. I called another and asked what she was doing at the moment. She said the friend I’d just called was on her way to pick her up and they were going to go out for a cup of coffee, because she was climbing the walls. I laughed and asked if I could join them to commiserate. It was wonderful! I’m not ready to talk about all of this just yet, but it did good to go out, be with friends, and see how they are doing. Another friend joined us at the café and it was a pleasant time-out from daily stuff, worries and fear.

The one friend is in the process of separating from her husband as well, so she does know about my situation. That is a comfort, that we can share that. We’ve been confiding in each other over the past few months, and helping each other take the necessary steps — as well as sharing information, giving feedback and encouragement.

A blog keeps coming to mind that someone wrote a while ago about birth through fire. Fire can destroy a forest, but afterwards life returns and new things grow, now that they have space. That comforts me. It is not easy, but I keep telling myself I have to stand it. This increased tension will eventually go away, and afterwards leave me in a better state than I’ve been. Perhaps in a better state than I’ve ever been!

So at the moment, support is very important. And trust in my intuition and what my heart tells me. I pray, meditate and do my best to take care of myself — emotionally and physically. This added stress requires that I get enough rest, feed myself well, and do all that I can to mobilize my energy and stay in good shape.

It could be tempting to overeat or drink too much alcohol, but that would jeopardize my goal. Since that goal is clear, I want nothing to stand in the way or screw things up. No more excuses. It was tempting in the past to stay in this situation. Materially, I had it made. However, that isn’t enough and I am convinced that if I maintain this situation out of fear of the unknown, it will destroy me.

Thus, I throw care to the wind, breathe deeply, and trust in the universe. It’s one thing to expound upon it, and quite another to live by it. It has taken a long time, but I am ready. The necessary tools and strength are there. There’s no turning back!

A person just like me

Page by page I’m contemplating this little book of reflections by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Again I found a real winner. He says that by focussing only on ourselves, we close the inner door to our hearts. As a result, we lose the ability to communicate with others. When we lose this ability, we feel insecure and threatened, frustrated and lonely. Thus, he says, compassion is the key to a fear-free life with our fellow inhabitants.

He goes on to describe his own humble experience and what he learned in situations of conflict. It helps to look our counterpart in the face and remind ourselves that he, too, is a person just like us. He is a human being who strives for happiness and seeks to reduce his suffering — just like me!

I found these words extremely helpful and began to perceive certain individuals in a whole new light. It has helped me to better deal in difficult situations. I remind myself: “(S)He’s not out to get me, (s)he just wants to be happy. (S)He’s just another human bean — like me.” Just through that process, something changes. When I can say that with true compassion, the Dalai Lama says that this starts the process of breaking down the barriers and the door to my heart begins to open. The restlessness und dissatisfaction of my spirit begin to melt. This gives me inner strength and self-confidence. And, where there is inner strength and self-confidence, then mistrust, fear and doubt disappear.

It is a slow process, but it is a process. It is happening step by step. I am grateful for the Dalai Lama and his wise words, and thought you might find comfort in them as well.

A handful of beans

Someone sent me a handful of beans for Christmas — with the following story about a Count who lived a very long life because he had such an abundance of serenity.

“The Count never left his house without first sticking a handful of beans into his pocket. He didn’t do this because he wanted to chew them. No, he took them with him because he wanted to treasure and count the special moments of the day.

For every little positive thing he experienced during the course of the day — a chat with someone in the street, his wife’s laugh, a delicious meal, a fine cigar, a shady tree in the afternoon sun, a glass of good wine — for everything that pleases the senses, he took one bean out of his right jacket pocket and put it into the left side. Sometimes there were two or three.

In the evenings he sat at home and counted the beans that were in his left pocket. He celebrated these minutes. They brought to mind the wonderful things he had experienced during the day and made him happy. Even on the evenings when he only counted one bean, for him the day was a succes — it made life worth living.”

Last night I read a couple more pages in the book from the Dalai Lama and as I was ready to fall asleep, I said the serenity prayer and then began thanking God for all the nice things that had happened during the day, as well as for all the good things in my life. Well, I guess I have a lot to be thankful for, because I fell asleep before I was finished! (And my thoughts also wandered a bit with each new item of gratitude.) The atmosphere in my thoughts before falling asleep seems to have quite an impact.

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed in a way I haven’t felt for quite some time! I did not dread the day. I did not go back to bed for an hour. I made breakfast, sent the kids off to school, took care of a few chores and then went to work. As I went outside at lunchtime, I marvelled at the blue sky, the sun, the fresh coating of snow on the mountains, and it occurred to me that today had started quite nicely. Wow!

I wanted to share this, and then the above story came to mind. It fits perfectly. What I am realizing these past couple of days is: It’s always good to get some new inspiration, even when you think you have enough or you have it all figured out. (Yes, sometimes I believe that! Ha-ha!) There’s always more to come, and sometimes I don’t realize I needed it until it’s here and I receive yet another blessing.

Another thought occurs to me: New inspiration can also be found in old, familiar prayers. I just need to use them! Just like this little book I am reading. I bought it months ago, but it didn’t help me until I took it off the shelf and started to read it. And what did I find? The good old serenity prayer!