You win some…

and you lose some. Oh, well. The possibility of receiving financial aid for the course has gone down the drain. Thus the main benefit of yesterday’s conversation is not material but simply a theoretical exercise in asking questions. That’s okay, too. If I get enough practice, maybe when it’s really important, I’ll think of the right question to ask, the right thing to say. That is my main goal.

I can’t stand it when it occurs to me much later what I could have said. That’s why I was so pleased yesterday: I asked at just the right moment. And I asked enough questions so that I had the information I needed and was able to move on to the next step. That is of utmost importance to me.

Again this has to do with letting go. Just roll with the punches as they say. My faith and trust in the universe are growing. It’s as if I’m just beginning to get the gist of it — what it means to have trust no matter what. What it means not to go by appearances or how the situation seems to be. Just wandering along on this wonderful path, looking ahead as well as all around me, taking it in. By trusting instead of worrying and obsessing, I am more aware. Today I saw the beautiful snowflakes gently falling — the perfect kind of snowflakes that draw your attention and make you watch with delight.

If I’d been full of anxiety, I probably wouldn’t have looked out the window. Been there, done that. I can remember leaving my apartment, rushing off to work, without even looking out the window to see what the weather was like — only to emerge from the building into pouring rain with no umbrella in hand.

Today I am grateful for the way my life is developing. At the moment, I have enough on my mind to drive myself crazy, but today I am free of that. Today I simply focus on the task at hand. That is all I can deal with at the moment, and it’s all I’m expected to do. I know, because H.P. told me so!

More news from Higher Power

God only gives me what I can handle. And God is indeed gentle. If I were God, I’d probably give myself a lot more to deal with all at the same time. Thank goodness I’m not. Enough is enough.

Today I returned a phone call regarding something that I didn’t want to deal with. I won’t bother to explain. Let’s just say I hate forms, filling out forms, and official documents, etc. The person at the other end of the line was quite helpful and when we were nearly finished, I asked her about something else. I figured she was the wrong person, but wondered if she knew who I should talk to about getting part of the upcoming training program accepted as official further education? That would mean that some of the time I sit in the classroom would be considered work time. Well, she didn’t know about that, but she asked why I don’t apply to have them help finance the course? It just so happens that someone else who works for the same company is doing that course and she just applied. What a coincidence!

So it definitely pays to return phone calls, to listen, and to ask questions. I admit, the only reason I asked the question was because I’ve been too lazy to make the call and find out the information myself. This was great! See? Even if I’m lazy or don’t feel like it, Higher Power tends to give me a break. Not all the time, mind you, but especially when I’m a little low on energy, feel shy or uncertain as to how to go about doing something. When I get these helpful gestures from H.P., they encourage me to be braver or more daring. That’s when I ask questions — without worrying that I’ll make a fool of myself.

How many times did I refrain from asking questions because I didn’t want to seem stupid! Then I walked around half-knowing something and more confused than not. I’ve learned to repeat the information that I’m given and ask if I understood correctly. Or today I even asked: “So you’re saying, I just need to …” Oh my goodness, it’s so EASY!!!! Why didn’t I figure out how to do this sooner?!

Things are developing, moving along, without my doing all that much. I just do my work, and keep my eyes and ears open. This is giving me a great sense of support, which I desperately need at the moment. See, my life is kind of turning upside-down in slow motion, and I’m not quite sure what is up or down. In fact, I’m questioning my sanity, but since I know I would never take medication, there’s no point going there. What I mean is, whether or not I am sane is a moot question, because I have to live with myself no matter what.

I have a hunch that it’s just fear creeping in again. So much is happening, new feelings and insights are occurring, and that old fear just isn’t pleased about that. It wants to bring me down again and make me behave and be a good girl. It doesn’t like uncertainty. Yuk! I’ve had enough of that! These days I prefer optimistic uncertainty to certain misery. I have no control over the outcome and don’t know if the optimism is justified, but I have nothing to lose! Today I let go and trust Higher Power and the universe.

Higher Power

This song has been on my mind lately. Back in the 1980’s I’d made a tape of favorite songs. This song followed Supertramp’s “Dreamer” on my tape — and lately I’ve been listening to Crime of the Century a lot. Every time “Dreamer” is over, I pause and expect to hear this. Talk about conditioning!

Anyway, around that same time is when I found out about Overeaters Anonymous. It was the very early 80s. What a relief it was to discover that I wasn’t alone, and that there was an everchanging group of people that I could join for meetings — to share, get input, and sometimes simply connect. That was when I heard for the first time the concept of Higher Power. I’ve always been spiritual, but not particularly religious. In my humble opinion, there are different religions so each person can find what suits them best. If they need a religion, which I’m not even going to begin to discuss right now.

It’s Friday night and the kids are both out. I’d love to go out dancing, but there’s nothing happening around here. And I’m too old for places where something is happening. Not that that would stop me from going there, but they generally don’t play my kind of music. So I’m reading instead, and for around the 27th time this week, this song popped into my head, so I decided to look it up. Now. And then I decided to share it with the Friday-Night-at-Home community.

Back to Higher Power. I got slightly distracted for a minute there. When I first heard about Higher Power, I took it quite literally to mean anything at all. So, for a while, John Lennon was my higher power. I listened to his music, sang along, and felt like he was a spiritual guide somewhere out there in heaven.

Here’s to you, John, wherever you are! I’m so grateful to you, the Beatles (and all the other inspirational people I never met personally), and all the other wonderful people who have been in my life and/or still are. Rather than in anger, tonight I look back in gratitude.

It’s only Love

I get high when I see you go by
My oh my.
When you sigh, my, my inside just flies,
Butterflies
Why am I so shy when I’m beside you?
It’s only love and that is all,
Why should I feel the way I do?
It’s only love, and that is all,
But it’s so hard loving you.

Is it right that you and I should fight
Ev’ry night?
Just the sight of you makes
nighttime bright,
Very bright.
Haven’t I the right to make it up girl?
It’s only love and that is all,
Why should I feel the way I do?
It’s only love, and that is all
But it’s so hard loving you
Yes it’s so hard loving you — loving you.