Merry Christmas!

Wishing you all the best… Here’s to the future!

Die Toten Hosen

It began quite harmlessly

It’s snowing outside, I have 4 days off in a row, and have decided to clean the house to prepare for the new year. Sunday is the winter solstice, so cleaning up inside prepares me for the transition from darkness to light. My room is first on the list. That’s like getting my heart in order. When that’s clear and dust-free, then I’ll have enough energy for the rest of the house.

It’s one of those puttering days. I sorted through lots of papers covering my desk, copied telephone numbers and addresses into my phone book and got rid of those scraps of paper. Even the packing list from last summer’s trip to the States was hiding in the pile! There are a couple of small boxes of chocolate that I got for Christmas from work. I just got a great idea! A friend did me a favor, so I’ll pass them on to her.

There’s a book I’ve been meaning to send someone, which I finally took down off the shelf. Then I found a couple of photographs from a summer garden party that I’d like to send a friend. I got the great idea to send her a Christmas card with the pictures inside! That may not seem very surprising, but I don’t usually send Christmas cards. Usually I wait until January and then send out greetings for the new year. I figure, the mailpeople are very busy now and then they fall into a post-Christmas slump. With my late mailings I hope to brighten up their day.

I took the big shoe box down from the shelf. That’s where I keep old letters and cards I’ve received, as well as cards collected over the years which I have on hand in case I need one. There is a bunch of Christmas cards, which inspired me to actually write them out! If I start now, I might finish by January! Just in time for the January mailing! As I sorted through the cards and picked out the empty ones, I found a few from Granny, who passed away four years ago. Through the tears, I read them, and resumed sorting. Then I found a card my son had written me for Christmas six years ago. Oh, the memories!

Christmas is truly a magical and emotional time of year. Is it the snow, the coldness and darkness that evoke a need for warmth, the call for love and peace on earth? Something urges us to come together and share. Through this, these feelings of loss and missing those who have passed away, or becoming sentimental about when the children were so much younger, are intensified.

I pray for those who are alone during this season, that they find inner peace. I pray that they be able to reach out, or that others reach out to them, to include them in the warm magic. I pray for those who are ill, suffering, hungry, looking for a job, lonely, sad, disappointed. I pray that they find some respite and comfort. And I thank all of the people who are so actively helping — be it through making donations, spending time, providing food, and organizing holiday celebrations for those who would otherwise be alone and may prefer company.

Yes, it is an incredible time of year. Feelings are felt quite strongly. It is a time that brings us together. It is heart-warming to observe the generosity and love, even in times like these when more and more people have less and less. I wish everyone a magical holiday season. Keep the faith! And now to start writing some cards…

Holidays, funerals and other events

I only mention funerals because I have a certain one in mind. Around 26 years ago, my grandmother died. I didn’t go to the funeral because I didn’t want to be around food afterwards. I knew I would binge and puke, and I thought that would be extremely disrespectful to her memory. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the self-control to go and behave myself. So I stayed home and thought about her, writing down my thoughts.

In that situation, and during the holiday season, food can be a real party-pooper for the eating-disordered. Especially during the holidays, there is even more emphasis placed on food than usual. What to do? I don’t know. Back then I generally avoided the situation whenever possible.

On the flip side, it’s sad to think about how many nice events the bulimia managed to screw up. I was out with people, and then all I could think about was a good excuse to get away so I could go binge. Or I would set up a date to meet a girlfriend on the weekend, and never get there because I couldn’t stop bingeing. I would think: Just once more, then I’ll stop. Just once more. I’d call her hourly to postpone. That was quite inconsiderate of me as well. I was desperate. I kept telling myself it would be the last time.

I’m sure lots of you know that feeling. It is nasty. There is no easy solution. And yet the path is simple, as opposed to complicated. When my priorities became: being nice to myself, feeling good, allowing myself to partake without eating so much that I felt nauseous, staying alive and being healthy, that’s when the turnaround came. Recovery had to do with being nice to myself. It had nothing to do with being strong or behaving myself or having will-power. Suddenly it became so clear to me: I don’t want to do this anymore. Or without a negative: I want to eat normally and live normally. And then I set about doing that. I gave to myself, and I didn’t do without. I figured out what I honestly needed, and was willing to enter into an agreement with myself that I would provide. I chose to meet my needs.

I wish I knew a magic formula that I could share. The above is the closest I can get. Afterwards, it always seems much simpler than in the moment. What I want to say is: Keep up the hope! Believe in yourself! You deserve to be healthy, eat well and enjoy life — that includes food, other people and whatever activities you like to do in your free time. 

When the food insanity subsided, I felt clean and unburdenend. I still do. The magic hasn’t worn off. Not even after 20 years. I am forever grateful for recovery. Now and then I am sad about what the disease screwed up in my life. Yes, there were some MAJOR screw-ups! But it also gave me valuable insight. The bottom line is: It happened. I have managed over the years to clear up the mess. It seems like every couple of years I find a new mess, or am willing to lift the rug and sweep out one more pile of hidden dirt that I put away for a day or time when I had more energy or clarity. Once again I come full circle: Disease or no disease, my life is about learning and growth. I deal with one thing after another, sometimes with several things simultaneously, but there’s always more! Be it food or personal growth: I can’t eat or solve it all in one day. It’s a life-long process. One step at a time. One mouthful at a time.