Actually…

what a word! Actually I should, but… I choose not to.

For example, last night: Actually, I should have studied for an exam next week, but instead I chose to finish reading a wonderful book by Christoph Schlingensief. Don’t know if it’s available in English (yet), but roughly translated: “It’s so beautiful here, heaven can’t be better!” He tells the moving story of his bout with cancer.

His determination to live made me take a closer look at the oft subtle accusations which tend to float in the atmosphere in this regard, which imply that the afflicted person brought it on themself. Oh, but that’s not why I’m writing this! Actually… I want to say something else!

In the next to last chapter he said something, which really strikes a note. Again, a rough translation, as polished as I can come up with: “But the greatest concept of freedom is probably that one can solve a problem.”

That set off a spark of thoughts. I know I’ve at times thought that I would be free if I was care-free and had no problems. But when I thought about this, it hit home. Yes, when I have a problem, it inspires (at times even forces) me to be creative and come up with possible solutions. Possibilities. When a problem is solved, there is an elevating aspect of relief, and of freedom. Through taking action, I feel empowered, strong, capable.

True, I cannot always create my problems (though I do have a knack for it, I must say!) to suit my personal preference. Most of the time, in fact, they are more or less imposed on me. But it is always my choice how I deal with it. In that sense also, I am free.

So I just wanted to share these thoughts, because I felt that sentence to be so profound and meaningful.

And now to a different shade of “actually” — I actually think I’m actually going to get some studying done. Right now!

Remembering Mary

I was born in 1962 and grew up listening to the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, and Peter, Paul and Mary. Tonight I heard that Mary died 3 days ago. She lost her fight against leukemia, apparently dying of complications due to chemotherapy treatment.

Tonight I want to say a prayer in rememberance. She was an amazing person, an activist, and a woman with an incredible voice. I don’t think I need to include the lyrics this time.

“Whatever happens…

I’ll leave it all to chance.” As if I really have a choice! Yet I have the choice to consciously let go. For me, that is freedom.

September has a little of everything — today the sun peeked through for a brief interlude, but has since disappeared among the dark hazy mid-afternoon skies. It’s cold out, and I have no appointments, so it’s a stay-at-home-and-cook-what’s-in-the-fridge kind of day. I cooked some dinkel (a kind of wheat), and found the slightly mouldy zucchini I bought last week. Sorry I had to throw it out. Luckily, there was also some zucchini I bought the other day. So, I cut that up, along with a small onion and a red pepper, and simmered it all in some olive oil and soy sauce for a while, mixed it with the dinkel and… Delicious!

Since I’m home alone today, I decided to break the rules a bit and walk past the dining table. Instead I settled down to my computer for some visual musical accompaniment for my meal. Visions of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” were floating in my head, but intuitively I opted for the following song. It includes that most appropriate line I used to open this post, and really suits my mood the past few days. Enjoy! May it bring you some sunshine if your day is as grey outside as it is here.