Change in process

I got the job, but haven’t quite gotten started yet, as there are still things to be dealt with on their part — structural, organisational changes. Thus I am officially there, but stayed home this week waiting for the phone call as to how things should progress from here. That was just as well, as I haven’t been feeling so well — a touch of a flu caught me last weekend and it’s been slow going. Today I feel much better.

Yesterday the phone call came, so I have some idea of where things will go from here. This waiting time has made me a bit nervous — with spare time on my hands, some insecurities have taken the opportunity to arise and ask me if I really believe I can do the job well. So, I’m ready to jump in and do it, rather than just think about it. My predecessor has six years’ experience, so it’s silly to expect myself to do everything as well as she can from the minute I start.

A new job sets off a new process of learning, gathering experience and adjusting to the new situation. I know I will do the best I can, and that is what I expect of myself.

The process of change is quite a challenge. It feels strange to be in limbo — not here, not there, but in the process. One can trust in the universe that all will work out for the best, but it still takes courage, perseverence and a lot of energy!

It is helpful to remember the old saying: “One step at a time.” Big goals are divided into smaller goals, and even those minor goals take time. It is also comforting to to remind myself: Change is happening right now!

Delightful twists

True, not every twist appears to be delightful at first glance, but almost every one of them has something to offer — if I am open to it. After separating well over a year ago, things were quiet for a while, but over the past few months, my still-husband and I have had a lot to talk about. We were concerned about our daughter, and felt the necessity of working together to help her.

Recently our talks changed, and we began to talk about us — how things had been, what went wrong, what we want. We established a new basis for communication. The twist there is the two-year continuing education program. First it gave me the strength to move out, now it has given me the necessary tools to improve communication. Who would have thought? I always said it was a “time out” — though at first I tended to think it was the end of our marriage.

In July he suggested we go on a family vacation in August. I asked the kids, and both answered with enthusiasm — without a trace of hesitation. We spent a week together in Croatia. Things were relaxed, laid back, and everybody had a good time.

Meanwhile, it seems that our daughter is getting back on track. It sure took a while! And I have prospects for a new job in the same organization — my dream job! The funny thing is, I never would have joined this organization if it hadn’t been for a coincidential meeting a couple of years ago with my future boss. A few days ago I told her of the possibility and that I have an interview on Tuesday. She is sure I’ll get the job. Then she laughed: “Imagine if I hadn’t offered you the job two years ago. You’d probably still be sitting at home and not have the confidence to apply for a job.” I ruefully agreed.

Two years ago I felt trapped and everything seemed hopeless. I hadn’t had a paying job in 18 years and doubted whether anyone would give me the opportunity to start working. But because I was unhappy in my marriage, I knew I needed a job. It was my plan to regain my independence — step by step. One day I told a close friend: “I need a job.” Two days later my prospective boss happened to drink coffee with her and complain that she was looking for a new employee, but just couldn’t find the right one. My friend called me up and the rest is history.

The school program has an emphasis on communication, and each monthly session has a main focus. Last week it was about the family — our family of origin as well as the immediate family. In preparation, we were asked to bring some family photographs. I perused the old albums and it struck me to observe the smiling faces of my children on dozens of pictures.

Over the past couple of years, I have felt sad and guilty about all the parenting mistakes I made and how they suffered because of our dysfunctional marriage. I tended to focus on the negative. As I looked at those pictures, I felt happy. There were a lot of good memories. And the thought occurred to me: Maybe it really is that they are simply in adolescence, and that is a rough time for everyone! In any case, I felt better than I had before I opened the albums.

I feel happy and blessed. Life is full of ups and downs, but during another school session with the focus on crisis, I learned that crisis is an opportunity for growth. Since then, I tend to view my crises with a more welcoming attitude. Sometimes I even joke to myself: “I wonder what this one has to offer!” It helps me get through the more difficult moments.

The main emphasis of this program is process-oriented. I have adopted this approach and view almost everything as a process — whether it be a relationship, childrearing, my job, housework, or just a conversation. Whatever. That has been very helpful, as I used to get really stuck in the “now” and not see a way out. When things get tough, I remind myself: “I’m in a process.” It helps tremendously. In fact, it has become a coping mechanism.

Sure, I still get excited and impatiently wonder how things will turn out, but that’s part of life. Just because I have found a helpful way of dealing with things doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything.

Well, those are just my thoughts as I’m getting ready to call it a day. Only two and a half days until the interview! Okay, chill out and trust the universe.

The dream continues

I have been rather busy the past few weeks, months and years… The German version of “Diary of a Recovered Bulimic” is finished and the first presentation went well. Two more are scheduled for next weekend. The translation is a revision — the manuscript is cut in half and divided into two paperbacks for easier handling. And I suspect that part I is more suitable for my teenage readers. My daughter read it in two days!

The new CD is nearly finished. Now it’s time for the finishing touches. That was a wonderful process. After playing alone for so long, I found a wonderful band. It’s as if we had always played together — good energy.

An English teacher here asked me if there is an English version, as her students focussed on bulimia/anorexia in English and it would be great if they could read a book. She said next year is soon enough. So it looks like I will rework the English version as well. I must confess that the original version was a therapeutic process and the first time around I thought so much was absolutely necessary. Now I can let go — shorten it, make it more readable — focus on the reader instead of pouring out my heart. But that, too, is a process.

Life continues to flow. I take actions, things flow, I roll along with it. “Thy will be done” comes to mind. I think I finally understand that phrase and have incorporated it into my life. It is an enmeshed system of action, reaction, faith and patience. Step by step I progress. I am definitely active and have goals, but I don’t cling to them as “musts”. Rather, they are flexible goals — they can adapt to the universal plan. That relieves a lot of stress and pressure and allows me to enjoy the path.

The concept of being in a “process” has changed my life. I had a tendency towards impatience and an urgent need to have what I want exactly the way I imagined it. That is rigid and definitely stressful. When I send out my wishes to the universe and let them go, I trust that all will be as it should. That relieves me of worry and gives me the necessary energy to continue.

The past year was like a beautiful dream. Things have fallen into place. New people came into my life — some of whom have become close friends. All levels show growth and development — children, friendship, work, hobbies.

I am happy and eternally grateful for this process, this life. The mood is “peace within motion”. It’s not about accomplishing something or reaching a goal and then settling back. Rather, it is an ongoing process and it’s happening right now! It’s the life I always wanted and dreamed of, but it took several years before I had the courage to claim it.