Special Status

While all the craziness in the world goes on around us, many are struggling with their very own personal crises — food, alcohol, drugs, other self-destructive behavior, and lack of sleep. My ghastly tiresome two weeks are over, and the past two mornings I spent sleeping. Somehow I expected that one single nap a few days ago would do the job, but that’s simply not the case. I have to take my foot off the accelerator for a bit, otherwise I’m going to run out of gas in the middle of a 6-lane freeway. I’d rather slow down and take in a bit of the scenery.

Yesterday a thought came to mind. When I was first in recovery, I decided that I had a special status. Because I’d been to hell and back with the eating disorder, at that time I allowed myself to follow each and every (non-self-destructive) whim, just as long as I didn’t puke. That was the main goal. Through that, I gave myself a good portion of individual freedom. I moved outside the norm. I slept a lot. Went to the movies. Went for walks. Wrote. Read. Did almost whatever I felt like. It was a time when I learned to take care of myself, after years of thinking that special attention to myself was uncalled for — I didn’t deserve it.

Well, at the moment, my problem is lack of sleep. And there’s a fairly clear way to remedy that: more sleep! Yet there is a restlessness that keeps me up. Again I need to learn to surrender, to let go, to simply call it a day — rather than stay up yawning, then go to bed at midnight and not be able to fall asleep.

It seems like a rather basic topic — and kind of silly to pay so much attention to it. But at the moment, it is an issue for me. Along with that, a friend mentioned that I shouldn’t underestimate the emotional costs of ending a relationship. That process is not limited to the space of time it takes to move out. I nodded in agreement and thought to myself: “Oh, but this has been so clear to me for so long. There are no more emotional issues.” That isn’t quite true. Things are calm and we parted peacefully, but there are still things to discuss. The situation is not such that I can just leave it as is. After a break, we need some dialog.

So yesterday I decided that once again I need to check my priorities. Running myself ragged is not a priority, but it’s what I was doing. Sure, sometimes life is like that. Events and twists of fate are beyond my control. Often I have to go with what life gives me (most of the time, in fact!), but how I cope is my own choice.

It all goes back to: I’ve learned a lot and come a long way, but I’m not finished yet. It is humbling to realize again and again that I occasionally have to return to taking baby steps, develop new strategies, and find new ways to cope. It’s all a process.

Meanwhile, it’s nearly noon. I slept in (after sending the kids to school at 6:45), had breakfast, am listening to the Psychedic Furs Greatest Hits, catching up on emails, and I think I’m ready to start the day. It takes what it takes! I am grateful to have to luxury of a couple of days off! Have a good one!

What a week!

Indeed, what a week it has been. I’ve been up and down, felt reasonable and hopeful, but also frustrated, impatient and desperate. It bothers me sometimes, as I’d much rather be calm, cool & collected at all times. But I’m not. So my feelings ran the gamut this week.

Among other things, I underestimated the challenge of the new job. I knew it would be a change of pace for me and my family, and that I would have to learn a lot, but I never thought I would stand there and feel so lost and stupid as I did on that first day. Even on the second day, I secretly hoped they would change their minds and tell me it’s not such a good idea. I’m not a quitter, so there is no question about my staying for the six months, as agreed, but I’ve had my doubts. (It is a limited-time position in assisted living.) By the fourth day, I was beginning to recognize certain patterns of activity and responsibility, and actually felt capable of making myself useful for brief intervals. And I knew enough to be able to ask pertinent questions. So, it’s better.

Today I have a day off. Rather than catch up on housework, I just made a mental note of what needs to be done when I have time. Today I’m just relaxing. Believe me, the housework will wait as long as necessary — it is a true and faithful life companion. Til death do us part.

A couple of people have scolded me for being so down during the week. It’s that old lack-of-sleep-and-a-few-minor-crises combination, which never fails to get me going. Now I can laugh at myself for this little fit of foolishness. It simply is hard sometimes, and life reminds me yet again: I’m only human and certainly not above it all!

The effects of sleep

Although I know better, I did not expect such a pronounced effect. The first night back I slept quite well. The next day I felt good — cheerful, optimistic, full of energy. Last night I went to bed rather late, and my daughter called at 1 am to be picked up from the train station. It was raining and had turned cold. When she called, I was so deeply asleep that I stalled for a few minutes, to figure out where I was, where she was, and how I would find the train station. It’s just 3 minutes down the road. I’d told her ahead of time that she could call, assuming I’d fall right back to sleep. Fat chance of that! It was nearly 6 am before I drifted off again.

During those four something hours, I read for a while, and then all manner of thoughts ran through my head. Talk about crazy! The optimism had been replaced by hopelessness. It all seemed too difficult, too overwhelming. And I thought to myself: Oh, this type of experience could easily trigger a binge. Imagine coming back from a wonderful vacation to a difficult situation (marriage) and having to get settled in again. And then you don’t get enough sleep.

Some of you may have similar difficulties getting back into the swing of things, even if your situation is quite different from mine. So I thought I’d share what I ended up doing, in the hopes that it might help someone.

What to do in the depths of dispair? Make a list! That’s what I always used to do. I wrote endless lists with all the steps necessary to change my life around. They were full of resolutions and ideas of how to change my self and life. Today I don’t mean that kind of list. Instead, I got in touch with that feeling of being totally overwhelmed and told myself: “Okay, it all seems too huge. Make a list of all that needs to be done so that you can feel back to normal.” So I made a list of the necessary phone calls, emails, appointments, housework, and other organizational items, and guess what? They loosely covered half a page. When I looked at the results, they didn’t seem so awful.

Now just imagine, instead of writing the list, I had gotten up and starting snacking, trying to convince myself that I might eventually feel better if I could just find the right food. I would have woken up with a food hangover and no concept of how to continue. (Yes, I did eventually sleep from 6 to 11.)

Lately I’ve had the sense that I am presently required to feel a lot. There are all kinds of feelings coming up, and sometimes I just have to sit with them and let them be. It is rather strange and simple at the same time, as I am on the threshold of major change, with the goal of accomplishing it in a mature and loving way. As I have noticed in the past, whether it was when I stopped bingeing or stopped smoking, or even studied for major exams, sleep is an essential ingredient and I tend to need more of it in times of stress. Maybe you do, too?! Good luck to me! And to you!