Sleepinday

It’s the weekend! I was going to get up and go to a concert this morning. But I felt lousy — headache, sore throat and no energy. So I stayed in bed a while longer.

Eventually I got up, had some breakfast and a coffee, read yesterday’s newspaper (I was too tired to go downstairs and get today’s from the mailbox), straightened up a bit (just a tiny bit), and went back to bed. And slept.

Late afternoon my daughter came home from her friend’s house — hungry. I made a simple meal: boiled potatoes with butter, salt & pepper, fresh chives, and a slice of sharp cheese. Simple meals can be quite delicious!

Afterwards I went back to bed. Towards evening I felt my head was clearing — so I got up to put on a CD and then went back to bed. When it had played fully, I put in a different CD. What a pleasure to lie in bed and listen to music! I had a flashback to my teenage years: I spent countless days in perfect health lying in bed listening to music.

It’s going on 11 pm and I think tomorrow I’ll be ready to once again join the world of the living. That’s good, since I have to work tomorrow!

Today was a nice, relaxing, sleepinday, and I just might do it again some time soon. Only next time, I will waive the requirement of potential oncoming flu and simply allow myself to be lazy.

Letting go of children

The day has come. It’s the last day of school. My son went to school, but his homeroom teacher was no where to be found, so he took the train home again without a report card. I met him at the train station and we went to buy a couple of shorts & t-shirts for his trip, as well as a snack. Although I told him on Monday that he should pack and figure out what else he needs, he didn’t pack until last night. That makes it more exciting. And I guess he was busy doing other things this week as well. He had all he needed, then we headed back to the train station.

Once there, he rearranged his things and we went inside to buy his train ticket. I even remembered to give him his passport and some money. He grinned and said, “Goodbye.” No, he didn’t want me to accompany him to the platform and wait for the train. I could go home. That’s when I nearly lost it and the tears came. He looked at me like I was crazy and said: “Would you please act normal?” I smiled and hugged him. He hugged me back, despite it being terribly uncool for an almost 15-year-old to hug his mother in public — at the train station no less!

I walked back to my apartment, smiling and feeling that bittersweet pain that comes with the recognition that my baby is growing up and becoming independent. It’s his first big trip without me. He’s taking the train cross-country (7 hours) to his best friend from the old days when we still lived there. Then they go to Croatia for 2 weeks. After that, he’ll spend another week at his friend’s apartment. Three weeks!

I’m sure they’ll have a good time and I trust he’ll come home safe and sound. But it does ache inside to know that I am not next to him to protect him. Oh, it is not easy. On the other hand, it is rewarding to see what he can do without me! He can’t do that if I don’t let go.

The bright side, of course, is: summer vacation! I have a very easy work schedule over the summer, which means we can sleep late, read until well after midnight, go to bed late, get together with friends, enjoy a relaxed schedule, and do as we please. That I do look forward to!

Special Status

While all the craziness in the world goes on around us, many are struggling with their very own personal crises — food, alcohol, drugs, other self-destructive behavior, and lack of sleep. My ghastly tiresome two weeks are over, and the past two mornings I spent sleeping. Somehow I expected that one single nap a few days ago would do the job, but that’s simply not the case. I have to take my foot off the accelerator for a bit, otherwise I’m going to run out of gas in the middle of a 6-lane freeway. I’d rather slow down and take in a bit of the scenery.

Yesterday a thought came to mind. When I was first in recovery, I decided that I had a special status. Because I’d been to hell and back with the eating disorder, at that time I allowed myself to follow each and every (non-self-destructive) whim, just as long as I didn’t puke. That was the main goal. Through that, I gave myself a good portion of individual freedom. I moved outside the norm. I slept a lot. Went to the movies. Went for walks. Wrote. Read. Did almost whatever I felt like. It was a time when I learned to take care of myself, after years of thinking that special attention to myself was uncalled for — I didn’t deserve it.

Well, at the moment, my problem is lack of sleep. And there’s a fairly clear way to remedy that: more sleep! Yet there is a restlessness that keeps me up. Again I need to learn to surrender, to let go, to simply call it a day — rather than stay up yawning, then go to bed at midnight and not be able to fall asleep.

It seems like a rather basic topic — and kind of silly to pay so much attention to it. But at the moment, it is an issue for me. Along with that, a friend mentioned that I shouldn’t underestimate the emotional costs of ending a relationship. That process is not limited to the space of time it takes to move out. I nodded in agreement and thought to myself: “Oh, but this has been so clear to me for so long. There are no more emotional issues.” That isn’t quite true. Things are calm and we parted peacefully, but there are still things to discuss. The situation is not such that I can just leave it as is. After a break, we need some dialog.

So yesterday I decided that once again I need to check my priorities. Running myself ragged is not a priority, but it’s what I was doing. Sure, sometimes life is like that. Events and twists of fate are beyond my control. Often I have to go with what life gives me (most of the time, in fact!), but how I cope is my own choice.

It all goes back to: I’ve learned a lot and come a long way, but I’m not finished yet. It is humbling to realize again and again that I occasionally have to return to taking baby steps, develop new strategies, and find new ways to cope. It’s all a process.

Meanwhile, it’s nearly noon. I slept in (after sending the kids to school at 6:45), had breakfast, am listening to the Psychedic Furs Greatest Hits, catching up on emails, and I think I’m ready to start the day. It takes what it takes! I am grateful to have to luxury of a couple of days off! Have a good one!