Special Status

While all the craziness in the world goes on around us, many are struggling with their very own personal crises — food, alcohol, drugs, other self-destructive behavior, and lack of sleep. My ghastly tiresome two weeks are over, and the past two mornings I spent sleeping. Somehow I expected that one single nap a few days ago would do the job, but that’s simply not the case. I have to take my foot off the accelerator for a bit, otherwise I’m going to run out of gas in the middle of a 6-lane freeway. I’d rather slow down and take in a bit of the scenery.

Yesterday a thought came to mind. When I was first in recovery, I decided that I had a special status. Because I’d been to hell and back with the eating disorder, at that time I allowed myself to follow each and every (non-self-destructive) whim, just as long as I didn’t puke. That was the main goal. Through that, I gave myself a good portion of individual freedom. I moved outside the norm. I slept a lot. Went to the movies. Went for walks. Wrote. Read. Did almost whatever I felt like. It was a time when I learned to take care of myself, after years of thinking that special attention to myself was uncalled for — I didn’t deserve it.

Well, at the moment, my problem is lack of sleep. And there’s a fairly clear way to remedy that: more sleep! Yet there is a restlessness that keeps me up. Again I need to learn to surrender, to let go, to simply call it a day — rather than stay up yawning, then go to bed at midnight and not be able to fall asleep.

It seems like a rather basic topic — and kind of silly to pay so much attention to it. But at the moment, it is an issue for me. Along with that, a friend mentioned that I shouldn’t underestimate the emotional costs of ending a relationship. That process is not limited to the space of time it takes to move out. I nodded in agreement and thought to myself: “Oh, but this has been so clear to me for so long. There are no more emotional issues.” That isn’t quite true. Things are calm and we parted peacefully, but there are still things to discuss. The situation is not such that I can just leave it as is. After a break, we need some dialog.

So yesterday I decided that once again I need to check my priorities. Running myself ragged is not a priority, but it’s what I was doing. Sure, sometimes life is like that. Events and twists of fate are beyond my control. Often I have to go with what life gives me (most of the time, in fact!), but how I cope is my own choice.

It all goes back to: I’ve learned a lot and come a long way, but I’m not finished yet. It is humbling to realize again and again that I occasionally have to return to taking baby steps, develop new strategies, and find new ways to cope. It’s all a process.

Meanwhile, it’s nearly noon. I slept in (after sending the kids to school at 6:45), had breakfast, am listening to the Psychedic Furs Greatest Hits, catching up on emails, and I think I’m ready to start the day. It takes what it takes! I am grateful to have to luxury of a couple of days off! Have a good one!

It’s been a while

The last time I was silent for a week, I was travelling. This time, I’ve been here all the while — but all kinds of stuff is going on and I just haven’t had the will to write. I haven’t even made it to the store to buy a camera! I’ve decided the Easter Bunny will bring me one, so I’ll get there tomorrow.

I’m working on a few new songs and just finished the German translation of my book. This version is half as long as the original one and it was quite the process. Somehow it’s easier to review things in English without them getting close to home. But to translate meant that I really had to think clearly about what I was saying. So, I relived the past 20 years a few more times, and it has been hell.

It hurts to look back and see that my inner voice/intuition knew exactly what the deal was, but I just didn’t believe in them or have the courage to act. Okay, that’s all right. I forgive myself.

The big realization is the new closing paragraph, which is not in the English version. I like it, so I’ll translate back:

Lost Time

Is there lost time? Sometimes I was sad and stressed over the fact that I had missed out on so much. After I recovered, I nearly knocked myself out trying to catch up, make up for lost time, make the most of the time available, and lose no more time.

When my second child was around 3 years old, I realized that I was absolutely exhausted! They were incredible years. About the time I started to relax and gain back my strength, I began to play the guitar and write songs.

In the meantime, I try to keep my expectations a bit lower. When I manage to do that — which isn’t all the time — I’m more relaxed and satisfied with what is and enjoy quality time. Otherwise I tend to be stressed out.

It is not easy. The lost years are a bitter truth. And yet, those years are not really lost. I was just busy with other learning processes and other things. I was collecting experience and doing research, to prepare myself for this life I now lead.

It was worth it! One result of those experiences and research is the realization, that I prefer to let go of the “deficit” approach and instead consider the “resources”. Now I see it this way: I could have been sick for longer than I was. Through my recovery, I gained many years! Every healthy day is a day I have won! Try looking at it that way, it helps!

Getting into shape

I’ve been working on this for a few years now (20?) — trying to get in the habit of exercising regularly. It’s so hard! I like to sit at home. And I tend to put physical fitness down with the low priorities. But it’s not. If I’m not in good shape, it makes life difficult. Not now, necessarily, but in years to come. So I need to really get into the habit now so that I can be in good shape as I get older.

Today I made it to the gym. There is still a certain amount of laziness and resistance, but what has helped the past couple of weeks is to just go — even if I don’t have a lot of time. I decided even if I’m just there for half an hour, that is better than nothing. I believe it will help me ease into doing it on a regular basis. And once I’m there, I enjoy it, and afterwards of course I feel great! In fact, this morning I was almost wishing I had a little more time to spend there. Step by step.

Getting into shape doesn’t have to be done perfectly. I’m just jumping in and doing what I can. That’s the hardest part. Even the outdoors. I like to go out for walks in the woods, and even have a friend who would like to go with me, but I often lack the motivation. We discussed it recently and will try to get organized and go walking this year.

We’re the same age. After a while, youth stops making up for laziness and bad eating habits, and one begins to notice that the body is aging and that it doesn’t bounce back as quickly from a flu or a late night out. That is a truth I have tried to ignore, but it’s there blaring into my face. I want to stay healthy and active as long as I possibly can. Now is the time to get moving!

In the past, I’ve jogged regularly, did chi gong regularly, rode my bike. Then something happened to get me out of the routine (appendicitis, pregnancy, studies, moving to a new town, bike accident, holidays, bouts of depression), and it took forever to get back into it — if at all. For today, I focus on picking myself up, taking the steps to get me where I need to go — just showing up. The rest will fall into place.