After a binge

A frequent search phrase is: What to do after a binge? From today’s standpoint, I have various ideas. But I decided to look and see how it was back then. Here’s an excerpt from 1983, during the first phase of recovery. It’s taken from my book:

“Plunging to the depths. The more I fight, the deeper I fall. Tonight was pure shit. Blinded by hateful darkness, vainly seek the simple beauty of each day, with its concomitant sense of renewal. Same old loneliness that I’ve acknowledged, but weeks of cleanness made it so much more intense. And I tried to run. God, please forgive me. Help me. Please deliver me from self-hatred. It’s not the end of the world, but there’s a distorted desire – for utter ruin. To destroy all I’ve been working toward in recent sobriety. [I equated healthy eating with being sober.]

Yet this, too, is a challenge. Do I want to use this misery for all it’s worth – or do I have the courage to renew the connection, swallow my pride, and go on? To return to the path, despite the imperfect record. Why focus on this? Look, will you look at the recovery of the past months. You’ve gone from lost years to intermittent lost days. That is growth. Memory is returning. Despite this momentary confusion, there is a new level of clarity. Now – you can work at further mutilation, or you can go on. The choice is yours.

Dear World, Dear Martha, please forgive yourself. Stuck here writing to myself. Only I can comfort, because only I know the torture and suffering. Keep going, the tears are coming. I am alone. Too proud to reach out. Terrifying – but I must be clear – to realize that I could wipe out everything in just a week. Today was moderate, yet it was $30. Be nice – wash your dirty face, brush those filthy teeth, and go to bed. And let go of the cynic derision and contempt.

Unfortunately, again faced with the fact of how easy it is to be drawn back into past patterns. Two nights ago, I lied to myself. I pretended that I could really just do it once. That was late evening. The next day, Thursday, was lost. Today, I prayed and made it through until the evening. The danger seems to be in feeling too content. When a new level is reached, I want to hold on to it. But that’s impossible. The challenge is to go on, to enjoy the peace and serenity, but to remain aware of the constant change and growth. One must always move forward. I try to stop it, to stand still, but that is only going backwards. It’s so hard to forgive myself. So many doubts return in full force. Especially the fear that the world is humoring me, and laughing scornfully all the while. But in truth, I am the one who laughs and scorns the most. Others may, too, but it’s my inner hate which must be faced.

Oh! 3 am phone call. Nice visit with Mom. Gave her the rundown; asked if she’s disappointed in me. She’s not, she loves me as always, feeling only compassion.”

The message is: self-forgiveness. Looking back, I see that I was overly concerned with disappointing other people when I had a relapse. This added a lot more pressure to an already rough situation. Meanwhile, they weren’t disappointed. No, they just felt sad that I was suffering so terribly. They felt the compassion that I was lacking.

A different birthday

My chronological birthday has come and gone. Today is the birthday of a dear friend, and it coincides with my recovery birthday (almost). 21 years ago yesterday was the beginning of my new life. Every year around this time, I remember where I came from.

Here’s the story from the book:

27. September 1988: A million thoughts – here’s one: I was okay as a child. If only I’d realized that nobody else was as critical of me as I was. And another one: You do what you do, you do what you can. The more you do, the more you can.

1. October: In 10 days, Physics will be behind me! Just having set up a fixed date is a relief. Get it over with! Spent two nights at Harold’s. Wednesday I was down and out – went to his place after school and just cried for a while. I thought it would all be so much easier, that I would have so much more time once I got better – but there just isn’t enough time to do all that I want to do. It’s so frustrating.

10. October: So, my dear Martha, your day has come. You’ve studied hard – left a few things out – and we’ll see what happens. This is an important milestone – far more meaningful than the test itself. It marks the end of one chapter, the beginning of a new one. The rite of passage from fear and loathing to self regard, what I really want. To pass or not – many have survived both fates. It marks the end of fearing science, of having to be perfect and know everything. The key is to remain calm, to avoid being totally exhausted because of one event, which has been the case in the past. For now, shower and get ready, and spend the next few hours reviewing. That’s all there is to it!

11. October: All ready for bed – how nice it is to have a room of my own! Yes, I passed the test with a “B” – no problem. Really beginning to enjoy school, but now all I want to do is sleep!

21. October: Have been home sick since Wednesday – a lousy head cold. To be honest, I think I willed it to some degree, as I wanted to hang out a bit, which I’ve done. It seems like ages, yet only 10 days have passed since the Physics final, along with 3 tests – for all 3 of which I showed up. Very proud of that. I am so satisfied with progress. It occurred to me last night that I don’t want to get overconfident and abuse my powers.

The day of the Physics final, I threw up in the afternoon. I was nervous as I went to school. But at some point, wanting to review my notes again as I stood in the hall, I thought to myself: “No. I have studied as much as I could. I know what I know. I will never know everything. What I have done in preparation is ENOUGH. I am ENOUGH.” Then I calmed down, put my notes away, and waited until it was time to go into the room. [This I consider the real turning point of my life – from sick to healthy: the realization that I am ENOUGH.]

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Sure, during the next year I had a few isolated episodes, but this was indeed the turning point. I was 26, had had bulimarexia for 13 years, and it was finally over!

Today I did some school work. I am in a training program which will enable me to plan and hold seminars. We learned that a seminar has three parts: an introductory phase, a main phase, and an end phase.

During a break, while reflecting on this birthday of sorts, it occured to me: the first 13 years of my life were the introductory phase. The groundwork was laid. The main phase was the bulimarexia, which was basically about dealing with an impossible, overwhelming life situation. The end phase was recovery and learning to deal with life. During the end phase, one reflects upon what one has learned and can carry over into “real life”.

As I tend to be in a hurry and multi-task, the next life seminar kind of overlapped with the first one. This time the theme is: “How to live my life the way I want”. This seminar seems to be somewhat accelerated. Each phase won’t take 13 years. As a matter of fact, I believe I am now in the main phase, which is about exploring and developing how I want to live my life. I’m definitely there! And I am so grateful for everything. Life certainly can be crazy, but it’s an exciting journey as well.

Inner strength

Today I got an email from 16-year-old Maya. Since I have a similar story, still have my diaries from back then, and a 16-year-old daughter of my own, I am in the happy position of being able to understand more than previously.

My daughter turns 17 this fall. It is a difficult age. When I was 16, I felt grown up and knew about life. My mother tried to meddle, but to no avail. At 16 I tried to find and understand myself and my world. It really wasn’t easy. And now as a mother, I see what I would have done differently. The results of childrearing mistakes are impossible to oversee. But this time will pass as well. My sister-in-law made mistakes, and my niece was a wild teenager. They used to argue like crazy. Today my niece is almost 30 years old. When I watch the two of them together, it gives me hope for the relationship with my own daughter.

It took several years to realize: Things happened in my childhood over which I had no influence. Through my parent’s divorce and all resulting consequences, my world was out of control. I was terrified, and felt very lonely and abandoned. I sought a problem I could solve, and found it in my weight. Yet I didn’t really want to solve it at the time, since the real big problem (family situation) remained.

Maybe I was looking for attention. I wanted to say: “Hey, look at how I feel! I am not doing well!” But I was not able to voice that, so I lost weight. Then they had to notice me — but then I resented that attention.

As I’ve said before, I think the disordered eating served a function. So I will not blame myself. But something is of utmost importance: I needed to learn to look at the situations in which I could do something, over which I did have influence.

I started with my eating problems when I was around 13, and it took another 13 years to get rid of them. When I was 17, I knew I had a food problem, but I was not able or willing to stop. I missed the transition to adulthood — that point at which I could take hold of the reins and make decisions. It became a habit, and soon I knew no alternative for dealing with loneliness, emptiness, boredom, free time — and never mind feeling hungry or satisfied!

I began to recover when I realized I could do something. I could be active, make decisions, and influence things. Yes, I also had to consciously work on my relationship to food, but that was not the absolute top priority. Top priority was: ME!

All I can say is, if you have the opportunity for therapy: use it!!! I have had various therapies — eating disorder groups, individual, and general self-development. Just last year I turned to therapy to aide me through a crisis and gain clarity. Therapy does not offer healing like medication. Rather, a good therapist helps me to mobilize my own healing powers. Ability to heal and cope is within me, sometimes it just needs to be activated. That is true for all of us!

I’ve said it many times, and I’ll say it again: The eating disorder was only a symptom, a coping mechanism. My life was unbearable, and I was too young and powerless to do something about it. In later years, I learned to take action — that I could do something to deal with a situation. I developed more positive methods of coping, and gradually was able to give up the food.

As a teenager I went to therapy. But I didn’t even mention my food problem until nearly the end of our sessions — I was too embarrassed and ashamed. Or perhaps back then I realized the other problems were important and that I needed help in dealing with daily stuff. I had taken on responsibility for my younger brother, and was totally overwhelmed by this. My mother had gone back to work, and I worried about my brother. I couldn’t just leave him. In therapy I learned to give up some of this responsibility. After all, I was not his mother. As a young teenager, I needed a mother myself!

Life gives me a lot to handle — sometimes too much. But there is always a solution, even if sometimes it takes longer than I expect. Meanwhile I’ve reached the point where I can say: “I’ll sleep on it.” Or:”Even if I can’t find the solution today, life goes on.” Or: “I know I will not dissolve into air or nothingness if I don’t find the solution now.” I can wait. I can be patient. It’s not always easy, but it is possible.

At first, I had no idea what to call this post. Then “inner strength” came to mind. I always had that strength — whether sick or healthy. This strength kept me alive. It is a true gift that came with me the day I was born. At times it amazes me to reflect on what I was/am able to endure, tolerate, survive, change, produce and create — and it was never dependent on my level of faith. But with faith and (self)confidence, my energy is mobilized and centered. I seem to be better able to utilize it. I believe in my inner strength and the universe, and I trust that I can cope with all that life puts on my plate.