What to do with myself after separation

Someone used this as a search phrase and it got me to thinking. What to do? If only I knew!

But I do have some thoughts and ideas about it. Separation is a chance. It is a chance to step back and view things from a distance, to have time for yourself, and to straighten things up in your life.

Separation can be a painful process — especially depending on who wanted it in the first place, but it can also bring insight and growth. There were moments when I felt lost, especially when I saw my girlfriends — who separated around the same time I did — already in new relationships.

That was just a passing mood. Today I am glad to be on my own. I am grateful for the opportunity to get things in order and to experience life as I choose. It is also an opportunity to experience my ability to discover resources and possibilities I never imagined!

My still-husband is very dominant. I allowed him to play that role, which only strengthened our positions in the relationship. Thus I needed to extricate myself completely to be able to breathe freely and think clearly.

What to do? Explore the possibilities. Believe that you can survive on your own, and you will succeed. Do things on your own and see how it feels. I go to the movies, go for walks, go out to eat, go to concerts, sit at a café and read, and I spend quiet time alone at home — reading, practicing guitar, writing songs. Some of these activities I share with friends. In general, I seem to have more time for friends. And best of all: I am free! I determine what I want to do, when, with whom, and when I want to go home. Wow!

Sure, there are some days when I feel lost, but I had more lost days while we were still together, because I had lost touch with who I am. Or the contact was there, but it took tremendous energy and concentration to maintain the connection and to assert myself. The struggle was more about maintaining my self — as opposed to totally drowning — than making progress.

I believe each of us has a calling in life. This separation has given me the opportunity to gain clarity. Perhaps there will be space for a new relationship at some point, but for now, the focus is simply on my life — without distractions.

Last day of summer vacation

Today is the day — the last day of summer vacation. As if by magic, my daughter who spent summer days sleeping and nights out, went to bed at 8 pm last night and woke up early this morning! What a great way to get ready for tomorrow! I’m impressed. This year is the first year I didn’t bother to say anything about practicing getting up early, changing summer sleep habits, etc.

In fact, yesterday I attended a garden party and didn’t get home until midnight! I assumed my daughter had gone out and was quite surprised to find her sleeping. The garden party was wonderful. It was a bit chilly, but didn’t rain — which had been forecasted. We wrapped ourselves in blankets, talked, dined, sang together, and listened to the musical offerings from various guests.

Now we are all ready for the school year. Since we left out the annual summer trip to the United States this year, summer vacation has been incredibly long! Nine whole weeks!

My head is now filled with thoughts about school, some sort of a meal plan so that I’m better organized, and good habits and rules about bedtimes and going out. If we get off to a good start, that will make a difference. This is the first school year on my own — after 24 years! Now the pressure is off, so I am free to devote myself to my children and my life (and my own schoolwork!), as I please. I don’t need to wonder about the relationship, about whether or not I should leave. I’m gone. I’m here.

Tomorrow I’m attending a symposium on addictions: internet, shopping, sex and computer games. I just happened to find out about it on Friday, and was still able to sign up last minute — even though the deadline was July 31st. See? It pays to ask, even if it’s too late! I actually got a reply email Friday evening! I was otherwise going to simply try my luck and show up. I figured, if it’s meant to be, I’d get in. If not, then I wouldn’t. No big deal.

“No big deal” is applicable to other stuff as well — things I consider a big deal. Like my children’s futures. A couple of weeks ago, both of them were pondering completely different paths, no more school, get a job, whatever… and it was impossible to discuss it rationally with my husband, let alone with the kids at that time.

I did the only thing I could. I shared my feelings and opinions as best I could, then acknowledged that I can’t force the situation or make anyone do anything. So I went home, took my guitar out of its case, and practiced for a couple of hours. Afterwards I felt much better, and realized: I’m here for them, but I have to let go and trust that all will work out.

Sure enough, it did. So they both start school tomorrow. And I got in a good amount of guitar playing, rather than obsessing and worrying about my children. I’ll try to remember that the next time such a situation arises in which I am powerless. Just focus on what I can do in the moment — and let go!

Things have certainly changed

The sun is shining on this clear, crisp fall morning. It’s been a busy week, with several morning appointments. This morning I have the luxury to move slowly, hang out in my pyjamas, drink coffee, and relax. I don’t have to go to work until the afternoon.

My birthday isn’t until next Friday, but today I’m in a reflective mood. I’ve now been working for exactly one year. Since then, I’ve moved out of the house I shared with my husband and gotten my own apartment — for a time-out after 24 (no adjective) years, enrolled in a three-year training program to enhance personal development as well as vocational prospects, and I’ve finally gotten in touch with my heart and have a better picture of how I want and need my life to be.

Clarity has made its entrance, and I want it to hang around for a while. It provides me with a different approach. The scattered fragments of my life and being are falling into place. Things start to make sense, and I feel more (whole) than I have for a long time!

There are still mistakes and aspects of reality which are rather painful, but the relief from taking the necessary steps to reinstate my integrity and emotional well-being certainly make it worth it. This is a process, and these are further steps along the way. Meanwhile, my relationship with my daughter has been in the process of healing, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Recently I have experienced the fear and uncertainty that accompany an unsettling financial situation. Yes, it is indeed frightening, but I tell myself that all will work out for the best — I just don’t know what that looks like. Thus I may not recognize what is best, since it appears to be rather difficult at the moment.

The season of adjusting to the new apartment has passed. I spent countless evenings mellowing out on the balcony — with a glass (or two) of wine and a cat or two. I started and stopped smoking a few times. Even though I know better, it was too tempting to resist: What a pleasure to sit on my own balcony at all hours of the night — drinking, smoking and thinking, and knowing that no one would come outside with a disapproving frown on his face and ask with visibly strained patience when I was finally going to bed.

So, yes, it has been a time of chilling out and numbing out. It wasn’t exactly admirable behavior, but I gave myself permission to be “bad” for as long as necessary. However, I didn’t really consciously give myself permission until a few weeks ago, and that’s when the need began to diminish. It was helpful to tell myself that I could do what I wanted to do and enjoy it. I knew it wasn’t a permanent condition.

Sure enough, the fresh air and hope of the fall air have invigorated me with the desire for a clear head and the ability to breathe freely, and so I am once again able to let go of alcohol and nicotine. No, I didn’t drink and smoke excessively, but it was enough. It is humbling to recognize and admit that no matter how much recovery I have “in the bank”, it’s still about one day at a time, one step at a time, and the willingness to let go. I won’t elaborate, but trust that this insight is good for something! If nothing else, a lesson in humility is always helpful.

And so this life year draws to an end. There are new insights, new projects, new goals, and new friends to accompany me along the path. I am very much in the process of change and growth. It is overwhelming at times, but I just remember to go step by step, to breathe, and to trust that all is as it is meant to be. That’s it.