Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

Today I got a comment from a fellow Patti Smith fan, so I went to look at her blog, and found something I’d like to pass on. It’s an article about Pete Seeger and how he is still serving his country with love at the age of 89.

During my childhood, we used to have sing-a-longs in the evenings. My parents played guitars, my older brother played the banjo, the younger one drummed, and I played piano. Most of the time we played songs from what we referred to as “the blue book” — a songbook compiled by Pete Seeger.

Several years later, when I was 35, I dug out my old copy of the blue book, which was falling apart. It had been taped together, tied together with yarn, and was tattered at the edges. But it was still usable. It included a chart with guitar chords, and that is how I learned to play guitar.

As my ability improved, in the evenings I would sing the children to sleep. They were 5 and 3 years old at the time. After dozens of nightly repetitions, they sang with me. It gave me incredible joy to be singing those songs with them over here in Europe — so far away from my home.

Those days gradually passed, as they grew up and learned to go to bed by themselves. Sometimes I miss it, but it just occurred to me that I will play those songs again. For quite a while I’ve focussed on my own songs, but I think the positive energy from that songbook could do a world of good at the moment.

Here once again is a wonderful example of the power of music. It brought my troubled family together for brief moments of peace and harmony as we sang together, although my parents eventually divorced. With his music and activities over the years, Pete Seeger has touched many lives. It’s funny, but the few times I happened to see him on TV the past couple of years, I felt so happy. It was like seeing a favorite relative whom I hadn’t seen in ages. When I go home this summer, I think I’ll join him on a Saturday and pick up some garbage. It would be an honor to stand next to him and hold a sign for peace.

He is famous for many things, but while looking for a song to include, I learned something new. He also wrote the following song, which has always been a favorite. I had no idea it was from him!

Turn, turn, turn

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven.

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven.

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven.

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late.

How can a bicycle be a source of philosophical insight and wisdom? Actually, now that I think of it — so is motorcycle maintenance! It’s often the things we don’t want that inspire us to grow the most. See, I had this bicycle accident on a bike I never wanted. I even cursed it that morning before I took off on that fateful ride. It was a mocking reminder of yet another incident in which I couldn’t say No.

Why did I have that bike? Because someone was convinced that he was doing me a favor, doing something nice for me. Meanwhile, my old bike was also a source of embarrassment (for the others, not me!), which I consider just plain stupid. It was old, yeah. But it was trusty, reliable, had gentle brakes, and I could park it in front of a store without locking it up. Nobody would steal a bike like that! It was simply perfect.

By not saying No, I endangered my own being. Not being able to say No has caused me a lot of grief and regret. Yet I needed one more jolt like lightning to finally get it through my head, to slow me down so I could wake up.

Think about it. Next time someone thinks they’re doing you a favor and you don’t want to hurt their feelings by refusing, you can gently, nicely and firmly say, “No, thank you. That is very thoughtful of you, but I really don’t want it.” As in my case, they may tease you for riding such an old bike until you finally give in. I am not against change, but do not advocate change through coercion. Now I understand. If they don’t accept me and my special preferences for things, which is only my business, that is their problem. Not mine.

Since the accident, doors and windows of my mind are blown open. Insights storm through like wind, and through the fall, I feel like the various aspects of this divided self were shaken up and put back together. The inability to say No has been one of several recurring themes in my life.

Another theme is the spiritual connection, which I felt very strongly as a teenager, but then lost. I lost it, because bulimia took up all of my time and energy, and then I was in a relationship with a person who thinks that is all humbug. Whether it is or not, is not the issue here. The issue is that spirituality is an essential aspect of my life.

Each of us has things that are important to them, and some things are neglected over the years — for various reasons, which don’t matter right now. The point is, that these important parts need to be acknowledged and reclaimed, especially if they are connected to our life’s reason and destiny. If we avoid facing up to things, avoid conflicts, we are not getting away with anything. The universe will simply have to utilize more drastic means. I’m not saying this as a threat, but intend it as encouragement. If your intuition tells you something, listen to it. If your heart tells you the same thing, again and again, maybe you need to act on it. I write this with the stipulation that these signs are positive and not injurious to others when we carry them out.

If I had said NO to the bike, and to my precious daughter, clearly and firmly, the accident would not have happened. I would have had that connection to the inner being and followed through on it. But I didn’t. It took the accident to get it through my head. I hope this makes sense. There is so much that I want to say, so many thoughts racing, it’s hard to concentrate. And the doorbell just rang, so I’ll take that as a sign. The odd thing is how things go in circles, always different yet always the same. That reminds me of a line from a wonderful song by the talking heads: same as it ever was.

Once in a Lifetime

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house,
with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself: well…how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? …am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!…what have I done?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

Here’s a little poem I wrote, dedicated to my mother…

Cutting through clutter

Cutting through clutter is harder than butter
Even when it’s frozen.
This is a trying destiny
The path that I have chosen.

I’m not on the road again, I’m on the phone again
To avoid this impending sense of doom
I can’t go out, I have to stay
I have to face this cluttered room.

I’m at loose ends, I call my friends
For a dose of inspiration.
They build me up and help assuage
The creeping desperation.

Clearing up a few square feet
A solid floor I soon will greet.
Clearing up a space for fun
Take an hour, get something done.

Chalk around an opening – space to be me
Dress up in collected clothes the way I want to be.
It’s like a fairytale or game
Working through the mess
Confusion is no mere illusion,
but a massive source of stress.

Using the things I bought for someday,
Because I’m not allowed to shop.
Until I have cleaned my room all up
Further collecting has to stop.

Take a picture of each cleared space
Tack it up upon your wall
Put all the pictures together.
Glimpse your true room and stand tall!

I want a boyfriend,
But I have to clean my room.
I want to go to the movies,
But I have to clean my room.
I want to paint a picture,
But I have to clean my room.
I’ll never have any fun again
If I don’t do it soon.
I can’t go out and play until I’ve cleaned my room today.