Farewell

Once I saw you enter this world
and now I’ve watched you leave.
Powerless, helpless by your side
I am consumed by grief.

You walked with me on this path for a while
I hoped you’d be here longer,
but fate and powers beyond my control
have proven they are stronger.

At least I was able to give you more
than some receive their whole lives:
love, attention, and caring devotion
upon which your tender soul thrives.

So full of promise,
with a future so bright,
that you have to leave now
just doesn’t seem right.

I thank God that I knew to treasure you
and for all the things that we did,
for the dear memories we could collect
before farewell we had to bid.

Many days I sat next to you
as you prepared to go,
and felt that aching endless pain
only a parent can know.

You’re destined for a higher plane,
a brighter point of view.
Wherever you go, please remember me
and how much I love you.

Losing a Child

My heart has been heavy over the past weeks. The miracle I had hoped for did not come to pass. My friend’s son is dying. It is a matter of days. Many a night I have cried, prayed and hoped. Why am I so affected? I only met his son once. Perhaps because my son is the same age and even looks similar, perhaps because I have children, perhaps because I have come to like and care about this person, perhaps because he told me so much about his son on different occasions that I feel like I know him and know what a wonderful, smart, gifted child he is. Perhaps it’s simply because I take other people’s sorrow to heart. Actually, it doesn’t really matter. The bottom line is: I think it is the hardest thing in life to lose one’s child. That is something I realized soon after I became a mother.

The other day I met with my friend and we talked. On the way home, still mourning the lack of miracle, I thought about all the things that had happened since he became sick. Many people’s lives had been touched. Work colleagues gave his mother their vacation time so she could stay home and look after him. Over the past couple of weeks, she was given paid time off. The boy’s schoolmates rallied. In the beginning, they took notes for him in class so that he wouldn’t fall behind. The boy who used to bully him became his biggest supporter. There were many gestures of friendship and caring, many small miracles which touched their lives during this process. I noticed changes in my own life. Suddenly I had more patience, and appreciated my children more than I have for a long time. I always love them, but I might have taken them for granted. This episode reminded me – and several other people – that there are no guarantees in life, and things can change dramatically from one day to the next.

I don’t think it is possible to console a parent. Losing a child is simply not part of the normal plan. We expect to lose our parents eventually, but not our children. And yet, expectations are not real. It is possible to lose anyone at any moment. Crises like these shake us up and remind us to cherish those around us. Today.

As we spoke, he said he had the feeling that his son had experienced and learned so much in this lifetime – more than some people ever learn. I suggested he was finished with this life, an advanced being, in a sense. I don’t want to suggest that he has to die in order to teach us how precious today is. I believe he had his own life and destiny, but like a pebble tossed into the pond of life, he has made waves that rippled away from him and enveloped us with new or refreshed awareness.

Luckily they had several months after the initial diagnosis, which allowed them to prepare for their separation. They were able to make the most of the time left to them, to say all that they needed and wanted to say, and they were able to say good-bye. They were able to end this chapter in the best possible way. Now a new chapter in life begins for my friend. It’s not what he has chosen, but that’s what life has dealt him. I wish for him that he continues to believe in life, to pursue his path, and know that his son will always be with him in his heart.

Expect a Miracle

I wasn’t going to write today, because the mood is rather subdued. I ran over a cat while I was driving home last night and feel terrible about it. Not that I could have prevented it. I was driving slow enough, but it just shot out of nowhere right in front of me. Until last night, I’d always managed to stop. There are several cats in the neighborhood and I’m used to watching out for them. So today I am pondering how suddenly things in life can change — from one second to the next, and how important it is to always be aware and alert. In the now. I intended to pick a goddess card, but got distracted. (By the way, here’s a link if you want to see what they look like: Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards if anyone is interested.)

In the meantime, I just heard from a friend that his son’s illness has worsened and they don’t expect him to live more than a few days. That really devastated me. I’d known he was ill, but he’d been stable for a while, so I kind of expected him to recover.

When I got the email about his son, I sat here and cried, not knowing what to answer. We’d planned to meet tomorrow, and he was cancelling due to the worsening situation. I sat quietly. I did not want to already offer condolences. Then I knew what to say. I told him what I’d heard just the other day: “As long as you are breathing, there is hope.” And I promised to light a candle, which I’ve already done.

The friend I had moaned to this morning about the cat wrote back and asked me which goddess card I’d picked. I had completely forgotten about it! (I’d mentioned to her that it seemed like it was a good day to pick a card.) In the middle of writing back, I stopped, not wanting to get distracted again. The deck nearly split as I lay out the cards.

Who did I pick? Mother Mary. She says: “Expect a miracle. Trust that your prayers will be heard. Trust is the light which shines upon your path. Without trust, the future appears to be terrifying. Thus it is necessary for you to take every step in good faith and trust. Please don’t give up hope — not for yourself and not for others. Let the light of faith shine in your soul. Even the smallest spark of hope can chase away the darkness of doubt. Be the light that can shine for others when they lose hope. When you support others, you not only help yourself. You help the whole world.” She advises one to “Think positive. Let go of all worries and fears. Be aware and follow the godly direction you receive. Pray. Focus on spiritual healing.”

That is exactly what I needed to hear. I will pray and trust and expect a miracle. I cannot determine ahead of time what the miracle will be, but I will pray until I glow with hope and faith, and that miracle will occur.

Remember: As long as you are breathing, there is hope.