Valentine’s Day

Well, here in Europe, Valentine’s Day will be over in just about an hour. I thought about it on and off today — about whether or not I had anything to say about it. I decided to be quiet, since I’m so cynical. But now that it’s almost over, I need to put in my two cents.

It has been promoted along with Christmas and Mother’s Day to be an incredible day of consumerism. We are encouraged to “prove” our love with some little trinket, candy, a meal out, a piece of jewelry or some other expensive gift. If you ask me, I can do without it.

Okay, okay, I know. I’m in a lousy relationship, so why would I even think about it? Of course I’m cynical! But that’s not the point. Believe me! As far as I’m concerned, when I love someone and someone loves me, I know it all year round. Simple as that. They don’t have to prove it one day a year. In fact, several years ago, I used to get the Valentine’s bouquet and it used to make me angry. I felt like he was trying to make up for the lack of respect and appreciation during the rest of the year.

So, all I’m trying to say is: If you love someone, love them all year — and let them know it! And don’t buy into the hype. That is definitely not about love — in my humble opinion. But I do wish all the lovers out there a very happy day!

What’s a miracle?

I don’t know what happened. I wrote this piece and then hit a key by accident and damaged the document and I don’t seem to be able to get it back. Needless to say, the first version was better, but I’ll try.

Since I’m asking the question, you can be sure I have an answer in mind. My daughter just called to ask me if I think it’s a good idea for her to take a cab home, since it’s turned rainy and cold. I told her it’s a very good idea.

Why is that a miracle? It’s a miracle because her voice was different. She somehow seemed more open. For the past few years she’s been angry and distant. I understand that because I’ve felt the same way, though I tried to hide it. I was disappointed with my marriage and continually withdrew into my own little world. I had my hobbies and pursued them with a vengeance bordering on obsession. Only recently did I realize what was actually happening – that I was abandoning what I love most in this world.

There had been much anger and disappointment. Many times I’d thought to myself: “If my husband doesn’t come through, why should I?” Meanwhile I was blind to the fact that I was giving up and withdrawing from my children as well.

During the past six months, I have had many revelations. Now that I have come clear about my feelings and rediscovered things close to the heart, there is a new energy inside me. Instead of going through the motions with the sense that I’m just doing my duty until I’m finished, there is a connection there. Love has come back. I deserve to express my love for my children. I have a right to give them my support, time and love, regardless of how things are with my husband. I refuse to punish myself or my children any longer by resigning from life. I am now taking steps for change, following them in trust, as I don’t see the big picture just yet.

It has been painful to recognize my resignation and withdrawal – and the insanity in such behavior. I am sad and not at all proud of what happened. I made a lot of mistakes during the past 16 years. Adolescence is not the optimal time to set about trying to correct these mistakes. On the other hand, if that’s when the realization comes, that’s when it’s time to fix things. At this late date it will take more effort, but it is possible. I will not give up.

This is a difficult post to write. I’ve read various blogs by mothers who are totally there for their families. They are involved in working relationships with their spouses and they are devoted to their children. Often I feel a tinge of envy when I read their posts. I am ashamed to say that I failed miserably in this department. Yet I did the best I could at the time. And now my eyes are opened and I see the damage done. Today I view these successful mothers as encouraging possibilities, and I can let go of the envy.

The path I’m on is the path I’m on. There is no other way to go. So, for today, I am working to build the bridge back to my children. I let them down and we have all suffered because of it. My daughter suffered especially. She is very sensitive and aware. Plus she is disappointed in me as a role model. But lately, through the realization of what happened, memories have returned. I remember how happy I was when they were born, how I marvelled at their development. I remember all the things I did with them when they were younger, and how I used to spend days just watching them in amazement (and with pride). I remember the fun we had. All is not lost. When love is there, healing can occur.

In the meantime, I’ve also learned not to beat on myself for past mistakes. That doesn’t help. It is much more helpful to assess the situation and see what can be done to improve it.

Tonight the connection has been reinstated. Does she sense what is happening? Have I already changed so much that she feels the difference? Was it simply because I bent over and kissed her goodbye on the top of her head before she went out tonight? (She was sitting down, otherwise I’d have to stand on my tip-toes!) Does it matter?

A miracle is love.

 

 

On finding myself

Once upon a time I never would have believed that I can simply be the way I am. It took an incredibly long time to recognize and accept the person I’ve always been. Now, in retrospect, it seems absurd that I would have tried to change myself, and yet I was convinced of the necessity – because I wasn’t good enough.

A while ago, I found an old love letter. I thought I’d gotten rid of them all, but this one had hidden in a book – saving itself, only willing to reveal itself when I was ready.

Last year I found the letter – my unattainable true love told me that he loved me, and that if it helped to send me positive thoughts, I would feel better, because he sent them all the time – “today and forever”. He asked me to come visit him – for selfish reasons, as he put it, and said he wanted to show me things. He also said that he didn’t have a lot of free time, but we would be able to do things.

What did I interpret? He loves me, but in a generous, humane kind of way – like we love our fellow men. You know, that basic compassion. I did not believe that he could love me as a woman. And anyway, he didn’t have time for me. (Now I assume that meant that he wouldn’t be able to take much time off from work.)

It was a real eye-opener to find this ancient letter, to read and understand it now, and to know how I read and interpreted it back then. Amazing.

Amazing how distorted our perception can be when we don’t believe we are loveable or that we deserve to be happy. I couldn’t believe in love, because I hated myself. To this day, I cannot believe the insanity.