Kind of a lousy day

That’s how I would describe yesterday. It didn’t get off to a bad start, but in the afternoon and early evening I had stuff with my dear daughter. That put me in a bad mood. Later on, I thought to myself: Well, it’s 2 steps forward, one step back. Things were a bit better lately, and this episode was just a helpful reminder that I have to keep on track and not loosen up. That’s it.

To improve my mood, I decided to check out what was available on the pay TV. It was rather cold outside and the local movie didn’t interest me, so the home cinema was a good option. What did I find? Desperately Seeking Susan!

I’d seen that film when it first came out — was it 1984? A friend from work had an appointment early in the morning the next day — in Manhattan, and she lived in New Jersey. So I invited her to spend the night at my place. We did some shopping. She decided to buy a new dress for the next day at work. Yes, back then we wore dresses and skirts to work! And in the evening, we went to the movies.

Last night was a fun trip down memory lane. It’s a fun movie — with Madonna way back when. I also enjoyed seeing Manhattan back in the 80ies, back when I used to live there. It is a document of an era.

By the time I went to bed, I was in a better mood. It’s just another typical case of the ups and downs in life. And teenage daughters make it that much more interesting. Just because we had a prolonged argument doesn’t mean that the whole day was lousy. Just part of it.

One step back

Three steps forward, one step back. That seems to be my rule of progress, especially with regard to change.

Yesterday I got home early evening, rather exhausted. I’d worked the night shift, then attended a work-related symposium all day. While at work, my daughter had called. Sure enough, she still was pursuing her tongue piercing. Things were a bit crazy, and despite knowing better, I lost it on the phone and was rather hysterical. I did NOT want her to get her tongue pierced.

In a nasty spiral of emotion, she was furious at my lack of self-control and refusal to listen, so she went ahead. Apparently minors can get a piercing without parental consent. She didn’t tell me, but when I got home yesterday evening, I knew she had done it. Luckily it went without complications.

It was terribly upsetting. We had a long talk, about what went wrong in our communication and how the situation had escalated. Earlier in the afternoon, I had discussed the necessity of crises with a work colleague during one of the breaks. I am a staunch supporter of the theory that we grow through crisis and conflict, but when I’m in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel good.

A couple of hours later, my daughter had gone out and I had calmed down. Depite the upsetting nauseous feeling in my stomach, it’s hard to be crazy for long, as the daily catastrophes in the world around me put it into a different perspective.

My daughter went and did something without my consent. I see the necessity for better communication and more structure and boundaries. We are in the process of change, but things will backfire now and then until we get more routine.

Life goes on. This episode demonstrates once again that I don’t have everything under control. Nor do I know what to do. Should I make her remove it? I’m not sure. My emotions are in such a whirl, it’s hard to think straight — which has never been one of my strong abilities to begin with.

Anybody have experience with this? I’d very much appreciate hearing from you — whether mother or daughter.

The inner voice

is getting stronger and gaining clarity as each day passes. One more little step (or was it a big one?) is in progress. My darling daughter decided she wants to pierce her tongue. My immediate gut reaction was: No.

She tried to win me over with the argument: “At least I don’t want to pierce my lip, eyebrow, ears, neck or nose! In my mouth, nobody would see it.” I knew that the feeling in my stomach had nothing to do with her appearance.

A couple of years ago, she bombarded me into letting her go with her grandmother (who also had a belly button and nose piercing) to get her belly button pierced. I wasn’t happy about it.

Early this year, it was a tattoo. I felt a bit funny, but agreed — and got a tattoo myself. In fact, we did it together, and took turns holding each other’s hand and popping M&M’s into each other’s mouth to bear the pain. It was nice, but even that happened too quickly for my taste.

This time she tried it again. She explained that a new classmate’s mother has a piercing studio and she could get a tongue piercing as an early birthday present. Yesterday morning, 2 minutes before she had to run out the door to school, she shoved the permission form under my nose and said I had to sign it right away. I refused, and she ran out the door. In a weak impulse, I signed it.

Yesterday afternoon we stopped by to visit her father, and she discussed it with him. During the drive there, I said I wanted his opinion as well. The piercing and tattoo I had done on my own responsibility, but I reminded her that he is also her parent and has some say in the matter. As expected, he was vehemently against it.

Meanwhile, I had crossed out my signature. She found the form and was furious, as she’d planned to fake my signature. The weeping number (“poor me”) didn’t work, so then she told me that she hated me, and said a few choice words. Remembering our little talk about hurtful statements last week, she added: “I know what I just said and I really mean it!”

I went to the movies, knowing full well that in her rage, she might be tempted to lock me out of the apartment, or go out. Earlier she had asked if she could go out in the evening with some friends, but I’d said: “No, not on a school night.” (Yup! Two “No’s” in one day — sometimes that is necessary.)

When I got home, the door was open and she was home — but still in a bad mood. I did some research on the internet about tongue piercing and possible complications, and decided to stick to my decision. That’s it.

She was still annoyed this morning. I gave her a couple of things to read that I had printed out — an article about the risks, and a first-hand bad experience. She wasn’t impressed and said she knew already. But the discussion was over.

It is clear to me that she is very stubborn and may find a way to get a new form, forge my signature, and do it this afternoon after school. I have to let go. But I know I made the right decision because it feels right inside. That’s still an unfamiliar feeling, but the more I make such decisions, the more familiar it becomes.

During the past few years I felt guilty and sad about all the child-rearing mistakes I made. Gradually I have been able to let go of that and focus on now. What happens now is what matters. I cannot change the past, nor can I deny the grief. But I definitely can determine what I do and say today.