Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

I wrote this blog recently for her circle ezine and would like to share it here as well… 

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, February 24 to March 1 is Eating Disorders Awareness Week. My own story comes to mind. Rather than go into personal detail, I would like to share what I learned in the process of recovery after 13 years of bulimarexia.

There will always be enough for me, whether it be food or love. I can say “No” to dessert or requests that demand too much of me. I can say “Yes” to dessert if I have room in my stomach, if it looks good, and if I WANT some. I do not consider that a sin. Nor do I consider it a sin to say “Yes” and do someone a favor, if I find it acceptable or within my means. Good eating is about 3 meals a day, a regular thing. It is not about diets or fasts. I feed my body regularly. It has come to depend on me for nurturing. In return, it gives me strength, energy, determination and the ability to pursue my dreams. I consider that a fair deal.

I have learned that eating is not about will power or discipline, neither of which I claim to have. It is about taking time for myself. I eat slowly and chew thoroughly. That allows me to enjoy food, prevents indigestion, and gives my body plenty of time to send the “satisfied” signal. Afterwards I feel good and can devote myself to other activities.

I admitted that I didn’t know how to eat, or what hunger and satiation felt like. I wanted to recover and enjoy life. In the process of recovery, it helped me to set up a basic food plan and commit myself to eating “normally” for six months, no matter what. That is a realistic alternative to the quick-fix mentality of this day and age. It doesn’t mean someone will lose a certain amount of weight in 10 days, but rather, that they nourish their body and let it find its own ideal weight where it can function best. This long-term approach is life-enhancing.

Recently I encountered some recovery myths in a conversation. I would like to set things straight. Now that I am healthy, I still get sad, feel lonely, screw things up, get tired, act like a child when I’m angry, don’t know everything, make mistakes, get irritable when I’m hungry, have undesirable habits, and am still rather untidy. My marriage did not improve as drastically in the long run as I’d hoped. But I also often feel happy, enjoy spending time with people, actively pursue my hobbies and derive great pleasure through them, enjoy my children, feel energetic, enjoy a good meal, love to listen to music and read. In other words, many of the less enviable qualities have remained, but health has enriched my life incredibly. 2008 is my 20^th year of health.

It is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I’ve been thinking especially about how eating disorders take up so much of our valuable time and energy. The preoccupation with one’s weight and appearance, as well as acting out the behavior of the disorder can be a full-time job - in addition to the work done for a paycheck. When I was in the midst of acute bulimia, I spent hours buying food, eating it, and throwing up. One prolonged binge could last six to eight hours. Afterwards I was exhausted and in no shape to bother about more pressing concerns - whether my own or those of the world.
I’ve been thinking about the trap of falling for the impossible, unrealistic ideal body and getting caught up in the craziness of dieting. Sometimes I wonder, since anorexia and bulimia are predominantly female diseases (and I’m assuming that women still diet more and consume more diet products than men), if this preoccupation isn’t a ploy (supported by the media) to prevent women from realizing their true strength, which would enable them to play a more important role in their lives and in society. That’s just a thought I had today.
But rather than get caught up in conspiracy theory contemplations, I would like to think about the bottom line. After being symptom-free for so long, I’m still growing emotionally and would like to share a recent revelation. Once upon a time, I gave up on life. I gave up on myself. A shadow of that mood has haunted me all these years. Now I am ready to believe in myself and summon my energy to achieve all I possibly can in this lifetime.
To celebrate the awareness of eating disorders, I would like to reach out to other sufferers and tell them: You are entitled to enjoy your life. It’s not at all about what you “should” do, it’s about what you deserve. Go out there, get the help and support you need and live the life that is your destiny. I’s never too late!