Humility

It has happened on occasion that I have overreacted, gotten very emotional, and/or made quite a fool of myself. Why do I have such a strong desire to share this with other people? It’s quite simple. I can’t even begin to think of the countless times I felt really stupid, and because of that, hesitated to ask a question or take an action. Several times I derived consolation out of the realization that other people can indeed be just as foolish, and it often made me feel better.

A biggie in this sector was the bulimia as well. Even though I logically knew that I was not the only one suffering, how much better it made me feel to speak with other bulimarexics and hear their stories. In fact, sometimes I thought to myself: “Oh, my gosh, she’s worse than I am!” Yes, that comparison did make me feel better. But there were other times I was ashamed to share some details, because I didn’t want to shock the others.

Today it’s not about an eating disorder, it’s about feeling stupid or foolish. Sometimes that feeling occurs because I have been over-exuberant or even arrogant, and then got called on it — whether overtly or subtly doesn’t matter. I notice it. I’ve mentioned humility before, and I don’t think it can be mentioned too often. It helps me maintain that delicate balance of confidence without arrogance, optimism without holding my breath in fear that all will be lost. It is always humbling to admit our shortcomings and weaknesses — to ourselves as well as to other people. It is also quite nice to admit that we are capable and diligent.

Tonight I’m feeling quite happy, as well as slightly foolish about last week’s “devastation”. Yes, I am the one who blows the trumpet and says: “Have faith! Trust in the universe! All happens as it is meant to be! Life is a challenge! We grow most through the more difficult times!” etc. etc. ad nauseum. Then give me a few really challenging days and what do I do? I burst into tears, want to give up, wonder what the heck I’m doing, and feel totally frustrated. Yes, that can happen. With the right combination of influences, I can be totally overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.

Through my ongoing life recovery, I have learned to keep going. Yeah, okay, so I spent a few days crying. That’s part of life, too. But what I want to emphasize here is: I don’t need to put myself down because of it. I’m just a plain old human beansprout who is very susceptible to her surroundings.

So if you are feeling frustrated, hopeless, overwhelmed, sad… that’s just how it is at the moment. But keep doing whatever you need to do, and have faith that things will get better. The rough times will pass. We all get silly sometimes and go off on a tangent. Then again, maybe a bunch of people don’t go off on tangents, but I go off on so many that it averages out to appear that everyone gets silly sometimes. I don’t know for sure. Either way, these feelings are okay. The important thing is to not give up.

I spoke with my boss today, and she told me that she had seen the doubt written all over my face on that fateful first day of work. She really couldn’t tell if I would throw in the towel immediately or grin and bear it to the end. (I have a six-month contract in an assisted-living situation, looking after a group of mentally handicapped people.) I told her I’d considered the surrender option, but I am a fighter and I generally finish what I start. Thus I had decided early on that I would see it through no matter what. I told myself that even if I found it extremely difficult and frustrating, it would be a valuable experience. And that is what is happening.

But it’s not only valuable, it’s actually quite pleasant. My clients have quite taken to me, and I very much enjoy working with them, as well as talking and goofing around. My co-workers have been very helpful and explain things to me again and again, so that today I have a much better sense of my job.

It has been helpful to feel confident in myself, even though I felt overwhelmed. I told myself that I’m quite competent, and that anyone who starts at a new job will find it a challenge. Several people have told me that the first month is the hardest, and that they really didn’t have the full routine for six months. Of course, it depends on the job and one’s previous experience, but most people agree that a month is necessary to adjust. It was really just the surge of emotion on the first day which brought about the “I don’t see how I can ever do this job! What was I thinking when I agreed to this?” reaction. Soon, despite all doubts, I did believe that I could do the job in a passable way. It would simply require some time, effort and adjustment.

So today things look pretty good. I’m sure there are plenty of challenging days to come, and there will be accomplishments as well as mistakes made. Today I simply have faith in my ability to cope, to do the best I can, to do a good job, and to succeed. I don’t have to be the best person who ever did this job, I just have to be “good enough” to fulfill the requirements. Sometimes it’s nothing but those unrealistically high expectations that throw us a curve ball.

Like I said, today I acknowledge that I don’t have to be the best, I simply have to do my best.

Character defects

You can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Don’t worry, I don’t intend to pontificate. I haven’t overcome mine either.

Today I’d like to look at envy, jealousy and self-pity. There’s no need to go into particulars. Let’s just say we’re better acquainted than I care to admit. But I do admit it! What are these feelings about? Feeling cheated, inadequate, shown up, that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Today I remind myself of the larger picture — that each of us has her destiny to fulfill. Even though the planet is getting slightly crowded, there are still enough destinies to go around. Isn’t that amazing?

So just for today I pray for the willingness to let go. (Here we go again with that letting go — that just never seems to be finished!) I pray for the willingness to trust that everything is as it should be. Those who seem to be where I’d like to be now, or who have achieved what I’d like to have now, they have already paid their dues. Rather than feel cheated or jealous of the support they have, I can interpret their example as a source of encouragement. You know: “If she can do it, so can I!”

Today I want to accept where I am and remember that my path is unique. Even if someone else’s path may appear to be more attractive, it’s not mine. On the contrary, it just shows me one more possibility and encourages me to be creative.

That’s pretty much it. For those who are a bit more curious, don’t even think for a second that this has anything to do with my great heroine! The motivational force for these reflections is of a more mundane nature.

Putting off life until you have the right figure

Is it still pre-summer diet time, so we can shed those excess pounds from the winter and get in shape? And then our life will finally start? If you detect a cynical note, then we’re on the same wavelength. As I’ve said before, Procrastination is my middle name. Many things I have put off for a better day. Many days I have missed because I was focussing on the future. If I didn’t have so many other things to do today, I’d be tempted to go through my old journals and see how many times I wrote: “Going to … in 3 weeks, 2 months, … whatever — so I have that amount of time to get in shape, lose weight, etc.” Oddly enough, I don’t think I ever attained the goal. Oh, maybe I did, but my lack of memory is perhaps a good indication of how important it was. How many times did I say: “I just have to lose x number of pounds, then I’ll…”

Today I don’t do that with weight or exercise, but I tend to put off socializing until I finish a project. The problem is, I have several long-term projects, so we’re talking about months and years before I can go out, relax and have a good time! This week I went out a few times, and it really was nice. It did me good to just take a break, get out and talk with people, do something different. But now I’ve had my fill and am ready to get back to work.

Life is happening right now, which means that whatever shape my body is in, that’s the shape it’s in — right now. Strangely enough, my process of change was accelerated from the moment I accepted myself as I am — right now. Right now I am the best I can be. Rather than put off life until I’m magically “perfect” someday, I’m living it now. I’m doing my best, and I am okay the way I am. I accept myself.

Perhaps what helped was the realization that change is an ongoing process. So is getting in shape or eating right. I used to think I would get in shape, eat right, and then everything would be perfect. Today I still have the long-term goal of being and staying in shape, and I do what I can at the time. Sometimes I get to the gym twice a week, other times not at all. Sometimes I plan the meals really well, other times… Like Saturday. The night before, I found out that my friend’s son had died. So the next day I was understandably out of it, lacking enthusiasm and energy. I kind of had some breakfast. Everybody was pretty much out of the house and ate elsewhere, so I don’t think I ever got around to lunch for myself, though I had some kind of snack. Supper was not exciting either. In the middle of the night, I was sorry. I hadn’t eaten enough during the day and was hungry and couldn’t sleep, so I got up and made myself a mug of warm milk with a shot of Amaretto, and promised I’d eat more the following day, which I did.

I have discovered that it’s not about being good or bad, it’s about what works. If something doesn’t work one day, then I look for a way to improve it, to enhance the quality of life. No, I don’t have it all figured out. I still to this day have high expectations of myself, and it’s exactly those expectations that cause me the most grief. When I am able to relax and accept my limitations, those days are the best. Oddly enough, those are also the days when I accomplish the most.

When the expectations and pressure are high, I don’t know where to get started, feel overwhelmed, and am known to blow a whole day just dragging around. Rather than scold myself, I’ve begun to accept those days and admit that maybe I just need a day off — to relax. Life isn’t always about getting things done. Even if you’re like me and have a lot of lost time you think you have to make up for, just take it easy. One thing at a time. Often I have more energy and can work better after taking an extended break, rather than working non-stop.

This is definitely a rambler today. I’m tired, haven’t slept well the past few days. I have a lot on my mind, even though I’m trying to quiet the jumble of thoughts and focus a bit. It’s a good day to do laundry — that’s a mindless occupation and still gives me the sense of accomplishment. It’s always helpful to have various activity options available which can be adjusted to my energy level.

Oh, I just had a remarkable flash of insight! Since I managed to screw up so many things in my life and wasted so much time, and nevertheless recovered, that has given me a wonderful sense of broadened perspective and enhanced appreciation for the variety of life experience. Life is indeed an adventure, one’s very own personal discovery expedition. Well, since the kids will be home from school soon, I think I’ll go into the kitchen and see if I can discover something to cook for lunch! (If that expedition is fruitless, there’s still time for a quick run to the store.)