Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

When I was sick back in 1981, I did want to recover. At the age of 19 I was subletting a subterranean apartment on West 57th Street in Manhattan for 3 months. I was earning a good amount of money for the first time in my life, and spent most of it on food. That was a doorman building. I had figured out the shifts so nobody would see me carrying bags of groceries back twice in one day. It was a very nice apartment, a large studio really, with a window facing the street which allowed me to watch people’s feet as they walked by.

This image came to mind for the funniest reason. My son is studying for a music test and one chapter is: The Beatles! Among other things, they learned that John had married Cynthia, and then later he met and married Yoko. I took out my Beatles and John Lennon CD’s, wanting to improve my son’s knowledge about their music. And there on the John Lennon CD was “Instant Karma.” I was transported back to the above apartment, and I remembered listening to that song over and over again, dancing, swearing I would recover some day, and singing along to the words: “Better get yourself together darlin’, join the human race.”

So, no long reflective text on anything today! I just want to share this song and hope it gives you the same powerful inspiration I felt back then. For a while I considered John Lennon to be my higher power. We all shine on!

Instant Karma

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin’ to do
It’s up to you, yeah you

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin’
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin’ at fools like me
Who in the hell d’you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev’ryone come on

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev’ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you’re ev’rywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun

Resurfacing once again out of the depths. It certainly is strange. Even though I’m healthy, I still have depressive mood swings. The grief of the world gets to me, and my personal irritations add to the aggravation. Soon enough those dark, clingy arms encircle me, nearly suffocating, and drag me d-o-w-n. Sensible as I am, and despite the wealth of experience collected, it is nevertheless a harrowing time. I know that it will soon pass, but that doesn’t really serve to alleviate the pressure.

Some things do help, though. I sleep as much as possible, don’t expect too much of myself, and simply accept that I need a break. It also helps to call a friend, be lazy and spend a Sunday afternoon in bed with a book, or go to the movies.

Lately I have recognized that old demon “perfection” sneaking stealthily back into my life. (Did it really ever leave?) Why is it such a challenge for me to simply enjoy life? For example, the other day I went into the recording studio to play & record a bunch of songs, from which I will narrow down the selection for the CD I want to record. I could have simply had a good time, enjoyed singing and playing, and that’s it. Instead, I was nervous and concerned that I sound good, that the technician “like” the songs. And a few times I lost courage, thinking to myself: “That poor guy. Just imagine all the crap he has to listen to all day.” Well, get off it! It’s his job! It’s just like going to a therapist. You don’t pay for them to listen to how nice and wonderful you are, do you? Sure, sometimes we have sessions in which we feel the impulse to present ourselves that way, but that isn’t the point.

So I go in, can’t breathe, my voice is constricted and thin, my fingers shaky on the guitar strings, and I’m frustrated and dissatisfied with my efforts. This is ridiculous! Sometimes I wish I could have been the born optimist who is full of herself and convinced that she’s great, but I wasn’t. If I was, I probably wouldn’t have been bulimic all those years. I was indoctrinated with the belief that everybody has to like me, and that I have to be nice and please everyone. And it almost goes without saying that everything I do has to be perfect and a success on the first try. Otherwise I’m not a good person.

I know, I know. You’re probably thinking: come ON! You are 45 years old. Why don’t you get it together and say you don’t care what others think of you? I mean, you’ve been proposing that now for 30 years, and still you are not free of it. Maybe that is your big task in life – to be true to yourself, regardless. Why is that so darn difficult?

Is it so difficult? What holds me back? I’ll let you know when I’ve got it figured out.

In this context, I mean the conscious dreams or aspirations that we have. It’s not like I have nothing better to do, but I manage to think reflectively during the day and today my thoughts wandered to singing.

As I worked on my book (Diary of a Recovered Bulimic), which is comprised of journal entries over a period of 20 years, I was surprised by the frequent mention of my desire to sing. I first mention wanting to sing when I was 20. Every time the wish had come up in the past, I’d suppressed it, since I didn’t think I could sing well enough. Ten years ago, when I was 35, I suddenly realized that all I’d ever wanted to do was sing, but had never dared to pursue it. I thought this realization was a new discovery. I decided to pursue that dream and make the most of it, given my life situation and despite my age - 35 is slightly a bit old to become a rock star, but it works fine for a singer/songwriter. Since that time, I have been singing, writing songs and learning to play guitar. I have given a dozen concerts and I confess: I love standing on the stage and talking to the audience - and singing, too! 

Now that the background information has been provided, we jump into today’s reflection about the power of dreams. I’ve never been very ambitious, although I do work hard when I have a project or job to do, but just never had that sense of purpose. That has changed. I want to be the best singer I can possibly be, given my late start. This goal is what helped me give up smoking four years ago and not miss it. I didn’t want the smoking to affect my voice.

At the moment, a lot of old stuff is coming up from my past. I thought I had dealt with everything when I first recovered, but things just keep coming up anyway. Perhaps such long-term recovery and strength are necessary before the really heavy stuff can be handled. I don’t know. In any case, I am facing old fears and destructive behavior (relationship) patterns, as well as considering some major changes in my life. Some days I am tempted to just give up and forget everything. What gives me the strength and determination to continue? Singing and the desire to sing the best I can!

The voice is an extremely sensitive instrument. I have noticed in the past how it is affected by my energy level. When I am tired or under stress, I cannot sing well. Singing is also about letting go. I cannot sing well when I try hard. It has to be effortless and flowing, which is no easy task for someone with my background. As is true for many anorexics and bulimics, I have a tendency towards perfection. Since I plan to record a CD in the near future, it would be in my best interest to feel strong, well-rested, not be stressed, and to simply let go and enjoy the process. This realization more or less hit me over the head today. That is the key! I realized I am willing to go to extreme lengths, to take risks and assert myself for my voice. My voice is me!

My mind continued to wander in between chores and errands, and I felt a warm sense of gratitude spread through me. My dream gives me strength to face the more difficult tasks and situations in my life, and encouragement to cope well. My reward is the ability to sing freely and let my voice express itself fully. I’m not there yet, but since I stumbled upon this piece of clarity today, I know what I have to do.