I’ve hesitated to write this piece, because I am in awe of this woman and know I cannot do her justice, despite the fact that she is so real and down-to-earth. Don’t be fooled — she’s a visionary goddess as well.
Her music is the main influence of my life. And the endless hours I spent blasting her music — nearly blowing my speakers — gave me hope and energy. Luckily we lived on a dead end street out in the boondocks and had no immediate neighbors, so volume wasn’t a problem. I find it fascinating to hear the various stories from fellow fans, and how often they merge in a shared declaration: “She saved my life.”
She remained true to herself, authentic, still does her thing, never wavered, has survived injury and great loss, and has remained a constant influence over the past 30 years. Constant and in motion, ever growing. She’s a remarkable person, a blessed artist, and a proud mom!
My favorite quote: “If you try to act like it’s not going on, you’re not taking advantage of the full situation.” I’m pretty sure that’s from the Live at the Bottom Line bootleg, which I somehow lost several years ago.
I do not have a favorite song, but if I have to pick one and only one (today), then I choose Distant Fingers. Unfortunately, it isn’t on youtube. So I’ve opted for another great one, which I’ve always loved.
Pissing in a river
Pissing in a river, watching it rise
Tattoo fingers shy away from me
Voices voices mesmerize
Voices voices beckoning sea
Come come come come back come back
Come back come back come back
Spoke of a wheel, tip of a spoon
Mouth of a cave, I’m a slave I’m free.
When are you coming? hope you come soon
Fingers, fingers encircling thee
Come come come come come come
Come come come come come come for me oh
My bowels are empty, excreting your soul
What more can I give you? baby I don’t know
What more can I give you to make this thing grow?
Don’t turn your back now, when I’m talking to you
Should I pursue a path so twisted?
Should I crawl defeated and gifted?
Should I go the length of a river
[the royal, the throne, the cry me a river]
Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for you
Oh I give my life for you.
Every move I made I moved to you,
And I came like a magnet for you now.
What about it, you’re gonna leave me,
What about it, you don’t need me,
What about it, I can’t live without you,
What about it, I never doubted you
What about it? what about it?
What about it? what about it?
Should I pursue a path so twisted?
Should I crawl defeated and gifted?
Should I go the length of a river,
[the royal, the throne, the cry me a river]
What about it, what about it, what about it ?
Oh, Im pissing in a river.
Today I feel like posting this song, since I mentioned it recently in wave of gratitude. Of course, once I started looking, I found a bunch of songs from Karen’s solo album from 1980, so I thought I’d share one of those songs with you as well.
I put this in the strong women (which I will add to, as time goes by) file, because any woman (or man) who endures an eating disorder and all the abuse that goes with it, is strong indeed. Unfortunately, at some point the body just can’t go on anymore. I pray that those of you who are in the middle of an eating disorder (or any other illness, for that matter) are able to recover and enjoy a life in health.
TOP OF THE WORLD - The Carpenters
Such a feeling’s comin’ over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream
Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It’s because you are here
You’re the nearest thing to heaven that I’ve seen
I’m on the top of the world lookin’ down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around
Your love’s put me at the top of the world
Something in the wind has learned my name
And it’s tellin’ me that things are not the same
In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze
Theres a pleasin’ sense of happiness for me
There is only one wish on my mind
When this day is through I hope that I will find
That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me
All I need will be mine if you are here
I’m on the top of the world…
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU - Karen Carpenter (Solo Album, 1980)
Every night I get tired eyes
My feet don’t reach the ground
Then I’m with you
I get by ’cause I know that you’re near me
So baby close your eyes
I can sleep tonight
All because of you
Every night when the fire flies
The walls come tumblin’ down
At the Bijou
I get by ’cause I know that you’re near me
So baby close your eyes
I can sleep tonight
All because of you
I’ll keep singin’ my love song
In my mind I’ll sing a song for you
you can see through the music
That’s in my mind
So baby close your eyes
I can sleep tonight
All because of you
All because of you
All because of you
When I have thought about a problematic situation endlessly and come to no clear conclusion (some people call this obsessing), that seems to be the time to let go and do something else. Then, to my surprise, if not the answer then at least suggestions seem to appear from nowhere. Although this has occurred countless times, it never ceases to amaze me.
Where do the answers come from? A telephone conversation, a billboard, a newspaper article, an ad in the subway, a book I’m reading. Books especially seem to provide the best answers. I can remember going through a difficult time with my daughter - one of those phases during which I feel like I did everything wrong and I just don’t know what to do. At that time, I was reading a book about Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the strangest things happened. It is quite a thick book, so it took a while to get through it. During that time, I often had the feeling that his spirit was with me. I had vivid dreams. Often I would think about a problem, pick up the book, and an answer would be there. That was a very special experience.
At one of my lowest points, the person narrating the story told about his own childhood and how his father had done his utmost to prevent his son from becoming a holy man, as the astrologers had predicted at his birth. Despite all of his father’s efforts, and ignorant of them until much later, the man fulfilled his destiny. When I read that, I thought to myself: “And I am trying to nurture my daughter, not stand in her way. Surely she will find her way and fulfill her own destiny.” (That was a borrowed book and I don’t remember the name.)
Recently, I’ve read books about strong women. That wasn’t my intention, but it just seemed to happen, and was exactly what I needed. I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza, who told her amazing story of surviving the Rwandan holocaust in 1994. In A Circle of Quiet Madeleine L’Engle talks about keeping on, despite various struggles, believing in herself, and finally having success with her book A Wrinkle in Time. In fiction I read Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. In the early 1980’s I first read My Life by Isadora Duncan, and have carried that small paperback with me across the ocean and through several different apartments. Recently, it whispered to me from the bookshelf “read me!” - so I did, and was duly inspired by her free, matter-of-fact thinking. It seems as though she never doubted herself and was totally merged with the universe.
For the past 6 months I’ve been reading the biography of Frida Kahlo from Hayden Herrera. That is taking a long time. Yet each time I pick it up again, the timing is perfect. It had been several weeks again, and last night I decided to read further. I just happened to be at the part where she had separated from her husband (whom she later remarried) and wanted to make it on her own. She was having a difficult time and wrote to a friend: “This is the absolute worst time of my life. I don’t know how I’ll get through this.” As the author wrote in the closing sentence to that chapter, “but of course she did indeed get through it.” What better encouragement can I ask for?
Then there are affirmations and oracles, like Heart Thoughts: A treasure of inner wisdom by Louise Hay. That is good for simply opening up to the right page to find an affirmation that suits the day exactly. Or my Goddess cards. People smile sceptically when I tell them, but the cards are always right on. (Haven’t picked one for a while. I think I’ll do that after I finish writing this.) Recently I picked the same card two days in a row. It was telling me among other things to get outdoors, get fresh air, move. I prefer indoor activities like reading, listening to music, writing and talking on the phone. On the third day, I was a bit annoyed and thought, “I don’t want to get that card again. I don’t WANT to go outside.” Well, I picked a different goddess, but this one also told me to go outside. I had to laugh, and ended up going for a walk. I grudgingly admit that I felt better afterwards.
I won’t go beyond mentioning the impact of music and lyrics. Lyrics have always been a fascinating source of emotional nourishment for as long as I can remember. As a ten-year-old I copied a quote from the song ”I am a rock” by Simon and Garfunkel into my diary. I felt so understood!! There is a wealth of support to be found there.
What I’m saying is, I don’t recommend running away from one’s problems. Rather, if the approach up until now hasn’t worked, then maybe it’s time to let go of it. Let go of trying to control and figure everything out. Quiet down, open up and see what’s out there. Find out about other people - what they are doing, going through, have been through, and what they have to say about their experiences. Although it is not easy to let go, and can be a little scary (fear of the unknown?!), there is also something very exciting about making a change and trying something new. For myself, I am at a turning point, and I’m definitely open to a new approach. So many old behavior and thought patterns stopped working or never worked. I’m ready for new ones. By the way, I’ve heard from several people about the worst time of their lives - and they got through it!
As an afterthought, I’ve gotten really sloppy about going to the gym regularly. I always seem to be so busy. Last year I was in better shape. What did my horoscope in today’s paper say? Exactly that: “A year ago you were in much better shape physically. Do something!!” So, I will consult my goddess cards, and then I will get to the gym today!
