Another book from my journey

Having told you about the external aspects of my journey, there is one book I left out, because it needs a special place of its own. It’s a book that my mother recommended. But since she recommends so many books, I tend to refuse her suggestions, telling her that I find what I need anyway. While visiting with my aunt, the book was mentioned again. She had it there, so I took a look at it — and borrowed it for the night, promising to return with it the next day.

I read half of it, and decided I wanted to buy it. Fortunately, they had a copy of it at the Strand book store. What is it? The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling, by James Hillman. It definitely goes along with  several things I have been considering lately, but formulates it all in a much more convincing and elegant way than I have done in my humble thoughts.

Let’s see if I can convey some of the ideas. First of all, the idea that we all have our calling. That I have always believed — with more or less conviction. But what I got from this book is that feeling that it all truly does belong as it is. Thus there is no need to regret the past or beat myself up about mistakes and wrong turns. The rightness or wrongness is a matter of opinion, and all of it contributes to where I am right now. Suddenly I find myself convinced and see the beauty of the whole picture — that all of those fragments of the past are mere contributions, but each special in its own way. My sadness has faded a bit, to be replaced by a sense of wonder and acceptance. When I believe that all is well, that all is meant to be, a sense of calm peacefulness spreads through me. At one point, I even caught myself feeling hopeful and optimistic — without the familiar sensation of holding my breath in the process. This time I dare to believe in it. It is about the universe, like I’ve been saying all along, but somehow through reading this book, the idea has settled in a bit better, more deeply.

There is a saying in the 12-step programs: “God didn’t bring me this far to drop me now.” That I do believe. Absolutely.

There is a chapter on parenting. We choose our parents and the circumstances of our birth, then forget about it when we come into this world. Our children choose us as parents as well. A few years ago I read a book about Bhagwan (a Hindu swami) as told by one of his followers, who was also a swami. He told the story about how his father consulted an astrologer at his birth. The astrologer predicted that his son would become a holy man. The father was quite upset, preferring that his son be financially successful, and did everything in his power to prevent this. He failed. At the time, I felt a surge of relief, as I’d felt sad and guilty about not being the perfect mother. It is a comfort to realize that my children have their own destiny, independent of me. Even though I made and will continue to make mistakes along the way, they will thrive.

Yes, not only did I choose my parents, but my own children chose theirs as well. Through reading the book, I realized that they chose ME to be their mother, me as I am. Like Hillman says: We are not becoming anyone. We are who we are. I am who I am. Now. Thus it is my responsibility to be myself and fulfill my destiny, as that is the mother my children chose. I owe it to myself, and to them.

We each have our calling, our purpose in this world. It is a calling to fulfill our personal destiny, as well as to make our contribution to our fellow inhabitants, regardless of how large or small. (In case there is any confusion, this refers to the size of the contribution, not the size of the inhabitants!!) Each of us matters. Sometimes everything seems to fall into place. Other times, the hindrances appear invincible and the struggle seems to be hopeless. Yet we sail and trudge onward, respectively.

The last day I spent in my childhood home, I was overcome with sadness. I splurged on breakfast — drove into town to pick up coffee and a bagel, then drove back home again so I could sit outside on the step and enjoy the sun, listen to the wind in the trees, watch the birds, and think. Yes, I know, I keep mentioning the wind in the trees. The house is surrounded by trees, and it really is quite powerful. I cried as I said goodbye to the house. On the train to New York City, I consciously decided not to be sad and regret past choices, but to be happy that I had been there and able to experience such perfect happiness. Two days later I started reading that book, and it all seemed to fall into place.

For today I concentrate on the beauty of my life, on the amazing twists and turns. Many times I felt that I was guided, that I wasn’t really deciding but simply following a plan. Today, with my awareness and all that I have realized over the past weeks and months, I feel strong and determined. It’s not so much that I just know what I want, but I believe that it is my destiny and I am ready and willing to do all that is necessary to fulfill it. In the past, some decisions were made because I thought I was taking the easy way out. I don’t want to do that any more. True, the ultimate development is not only the result of a conscious decision. Fate and the universe have their say as well, but I do not believe that my efforts will be in vain. Either way, it doesn’t really matter.

One last thought: I really could have listened to my mother in the first place about reading this book! But children are stubborn and have to figure things out for themselves. Even if they’ll be 46 in just a couple of weeks!

Some highlights from home

After a good night’s sleep, with the usual jet-lag experience of waking up and not knowing where I am, I’ve decided not to go backwards after all with regards to my trip home. The first highlight was a trip to the Film Forum down on Houston Street off Sixth Avenue to see Dream of Life — the new Steven Sebring film about Patti Smith. I’d already seen it on an artsy TV channel over here, but wanted the experience of seeing it in Greenwich Village. As an added thrill, Patti was there with Lenny Kaye (plays guitar in her band) to greet us, and afterwards she played a couple of songs on her guitar — to honor a friend who had passed away the previous Sunday. My mother and a good friend of hers accompanied me to the movie, but afterwards I was left alone to roam the streets on my way back to the apartment. Mom went to see another movie in an adjacent screening room (on Louise Bourgois), and her friend had to leave right away because he was going away early the next morning. So I walked around and enjoyed the warm night, the lively streets, and being alive and healthy.

The next morning I flew to visit a dear friend in Nashville, Tennessee – Stacey from my book. We suffered and recovered together, and have remained close all these years. Four years ago she had breast cancer. The chemo, radiation and hormonal therapy have taken quite a toll on her, and many issues have come up. I’m hoping she will share some of her experience with you here soon as a guest writer. It was nice to catch up and laugh together. We went to the Grand Ole Opry and took the guided tour, which was a lot of fun. It’s right across from the mall, where we also spent some time. There I bought myself a new book: Anna Karenina. I haven’t had much time to read it yet, but got right into it. We went to the Hard Rock Café there. Here’s a picture:

NO DRUGS OR NUCLEAR WEAPONS ALLOWED INSIDE

Back in New York City, I met up with another character from my book — Emily. We decided to stay with an urban shaman friend of a friend in Exotic Brooklyn, and were not disappointed. It was a magical place. Although we only went there to sleep, it was a wonderful refuge to return to at the end of the day. We wandererd around the streets of our past and went out to the same Indian place we frequented back then. Only this time, instead of an $8 meal, we celebrated being able to afford the vegetarian meal for two. Thus we didn’t have to pick one thing, but instead were able to enjoy soup, appetizers and main course — a splendid array of colors and tastes, and absolutely delicious! Even though we didn’t finish everything, we left the restaurant quite full. Here we are with the soup:

We wandered around some more and stopped in a few Tibet shops. In one of them I bought another book: Buddhism Through American Women’s Eyes. I’ve been wanting to read something in this direction, and the book nearly jumped off the shelf into my hands.

Neither of us slept well that first night, as we were quite full. I lay there wondering if my tummy would ever go back to its regular size. But by the next day, we were back to normal and went out for a wonderful brunch with a friend at a place with a beautiful garden. We got there around 9.30 and were nearly the only guests. I guess people generally sleep longer there. I would too, but as a visitor, I had things to do! This will give you some idea of the place:

Afterwards we went to the Brooklyn Museum and saw “The Dinner Party” by Judy Chicago. That was impressive beyond words and I highly recommend it. Next door is the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, so we walked through there for a while and stopped for lunch. The guy was in such a hurry that he knocked my lemonade off the counter and it spilled all over my feet. Luckily I jumped back in reflex and didn’t get it all over my skirt! The garden is beautiful…

In the afternoon we returned to Manhattan, making our way to Damrosch Park for a music festival at 4 pm, which had various performers playing country, folk and bluegrass. The closing act was Patti Smith and her band. Emily and I met back in the 80s when we went to see the Lenny Kaye Connection. We attended nearly every gig. It was the first time in 28 years for her to see Patti. Emily said Patti hasn’t really changed, except that she’s better. Patti is still authentic and right there. That’s why we love and admire her so much. Afterwards we went to a diner for a snack and a glass of wine, then headed back to Exotic Brooklyn.

After a delicious breakfast with our host, Emily took the train back to her house with its white picket fence (what she always wanted), and I headed upstate to the house I grew up in. There I spent several days. Although I did spend some time with family, I sought quiet solitude to collect myself. In that home I feel so happy, that I truly belong somewhere. Hours were spent on the steps outside, sitting in the sun, writing, playing guitar and singing, listening to the wind in the trees, getting a good taste of the life I love and how I would like to live. Rather than retreat into the past, I enjoyed that energy and realized: I want to live here. So, lucky me. I have another long-term goal: I want to go home!

Funny how experiences enhance our perception. Suddenly I find myself paying more attention to the lyrics of various songs on the radio and in my memory: I wanna go home, the green green grass of home, homeward bound, leavin on a jet plane… The list goes on.

The last few days I also spent in New York City, visiting with my Aunt and my mother. Even then I managed to have time to wander around alone. That is the purest food for my soul: wandering. On the last day, I stopped at a little shop in the Village and dropped off a handful of my CDs to give away. Then I went to St. Mark’s book store. I’d never been there before. It is a wonderful store, packed with world literature. I saw some of the authors I’ve read in German and found it tempting to “cheat” and read them in English. Well, when I live in the States again I can go there frequently and buy lots of books. It was there that I finally found “A Night of Serious Drinking” — to my surprised delight. Lately I’d thought I ought to read some Walt Whitman, since so many people mention him. I happened to find “The Essential Walt Whitman” but put it back on the shelf, because I was running out of money. At the cash register, I realized I didn’t even have enough for the first book, so I went to the ATM outside — and decided to pick Walt Whitman back up from the shelf again. While paying, I asked if they sell books on consignment. They do! Two hours later my mother lugged down 3 copies of my book and we went to the store together and dropped them off. So if any of you happen to be in the area, there is the opportunity to look through the book without having to order it. I felt kind of funny asking, but decided if I want to live there I have to do something to promote my future! That’s also why I dropped off the CDs. I’m leaving little marks behind me, to help pave the way for my return.

Why am I sharing all of this? For the usual reason: Because I want to share with you what it’s like to be recovered. My idea of fun and adventure may be quite different from yours, but what I’m trying to show is that we can have fun and adventure when we recover. There is so much out there for us, just waiting to be explored and experienced. Today is as good a day as any to begin!

P.S. I hope I didn’t overdo it with the pictures. It’s meant as a special treat for SanityFound, since she’s always asking me if I took pictures, and I generally forget my camera. I did this time, too. Luckily not everyone is as absentminded as I am! Anyway, what’s a vacation report without pictures?!

Physically, I’ve landed

Hi everybody! I’m back. The plane landed late this morning and I was delighted to see that my husband had woken the kids up and had them drive with him to pick me up from the airport. I’ve decided to start at the end and work my way backwards. There are various stories and subjects that came to mind on the flight last night, but it’s one thing at a time.

I can’t say I am thrilled about coming back. It was wonderful to be home. My mother rode the subway with me to the airport, which I really appreciated. She really has been a constant source of love and support all these years. It’s just too bad she also manages to drive me crazy. We had a quick goodbye, since I requested it to be short and sweet. As she was hugging me, she thought: “You’re one tough cookie.” She told me that and laughed, explaining that a few weeks earlier she had written: “My daughter is a very sensitive person.” I smiled at her and said: “I’m both,” and gave her a big hug.

Once in the airport, I checked in, dropped off my suitcase and went to the bar. Usually I only drink plain water, but I was exhausted and wanted to make sure that I drift off easily on the plane. I sat down, ordered a margarita, and picked out one of my new books to read with the appropriate title: A Night of Serious Drinking. Although it was tempting, I decided to leave it at one drink and finish going through security. Although, the thought of being so drunk that they wouldn’t let me board did serve as a slight temptation.

Anyway, once on the plane I relaxed, had dinner, watched a movie, and dozed off for a few hours. That’s why I’m still quite awake now at 7.20 pm this evening. It’s a first!

It just occurred to me that I’m getting tired. Perhaps all the travelling and excitement is getting to me after all. I think I’ll finish putting my stuff away and get ready to call it a day. One thing I want to say before signing off is that I missed blogging and the interaction while I was away. So I just wanted to connect. Physically, I have landed. Emotionally, I’m still back in the States. It will take some time to adjust.