Recoveredbulimic’s Weblog

If someone told me ten years ago I’d be blogging about bulimia, I would have said they were crazy. Not just because there weren’t blogs back then. After I recovered, I really didn’t want to have anything more to do with it.

Well, that’s not totally true. During the first couple of years, I used it as an ice-breaker. No matter where I was, a subtle mention of eating disorders, and the other person knew someone or had her own problems, so a long conversation was guaranteed, and I didn’t have to feel ill-at-ease at a party or similar gathering.

The other function was that I was gradually digesting the whole episode by retelling the story. Again and again and again. I really needed to do that. I also needed to hear people tell me that I had done a great thing. I needed positive feedback and reassurance. During that time, I also had frequent nightmares about bingeing – and would wake up extremely relieved to realize it had only been a dream.

Gradually I felt the desire to let go of my bulimia story. I wanted to live without it, to see if I could be an interesting person without that story. I had just started to study Psychology, so the business of going to classes, writing papers, doing projects and taking exams (and all of that in a foreign language) was a convenient way to keep me busy. There was no time to talk about it!

As the years went by, it faded more and more into the past. Yet in the back of my mind, I knew I wanted to write my story eventually. School went on, I had one baby, then another one, the years passed. My studies got slower and slower, as I was involved with the children. The children grew; I passed a few more exams, wrote a Master’s Thesis, and lo and behold – graduated four years ago!

Almost the day after the final exam, I dragged out all of my old journals and got to work, not realizing that it would take a few years to get it done. In the process of working on the book, the whole story came back again. It was an intense project, which I finished last spring. I felt like that was the story, and in the blog I would talk more about the wonders of recovery. My goal was to show that there is indeed life after bulimia.

Just recently, it occurred to me that I cannot deny that part of my life. It belongs to me and is also a gift. There is a lot of insight that grew over the years, which I tend to take for granted, and which keeps developing. I am by no means finished growing! Nor do I have everything figured out! But I have learned a lot and maybe if I share that experience, it could be helpful to others. So that is why there hasn’t been much about bulimia here. Ever since that realization, though, I have not been able to stop writing. It was as though I had a block, and that is now open. So, be prepared for more about bulimia and the recovery process!

As a bulimic 16-year-old, I had the glorious idea that I would recover, become a psychotherapist to help other bulimics, and write a book about my story. In the meantime, nearly 30 years have passed. Five years ago I got my Master’s Degree in Psychology, but I realized that I would rather write and perform music than become a therapist. I did write the book: Diary of a Recovered Bulimic. It came out this past summer. I suppose it is a bit late, as there are plenty of diaries on the subject, but I really had no choice. I was not able to write it sooner, yet if I never wrote it, that would have nagged me for the rest of my life.

The book is the story of my struggle, which began in puberty and ended when I was 26. At least, the symptom ended. The emotional recovery has been going on ever since. As I am a spiritually oriented person, I believe the recovery goes hand in hand with personal growth. Maybe it’s the same thing. Recovery doesn’t mean I have figured everything out and don’t have any more problems. It just means I can depend on my strong healthy body to help me cope with whatever my life has in store. I’ve learned to roll with the punches and to experience pure joy.

Now that the book is finished, I’ve had several new insights. It reminds me of taking exams at the university. I was nervous and did the best I could. Once the exam was over, I relaxed and then everything seemed to make more sense. Just as I often got good grades, I am also pleased with how the book turned out, but there is more that I want to say. Thus I can say it here. I hope to get feedback and communicate with other people who may be recovered or in the process. It is always helpful to compare notes with others in similar situations, as many issues do tend to be related. I hope my work will be helpful to other people.

My self-definition is not restricted to “recovered bulimic” but also includes mother, poet and musician. Thus, some of my other work will appear here as well. In the meantime, I have a more down-to-earth project in the works: I want to find a job!