time for a change

April 27, 2008 at 2:21 pm 2 comments

I really should be practicing my guitar, but I just feel like writing something non-bulimic, since I seem to have jumped in pretty deep lately. Strange things are happening, I’m not even sure what. There seems to be a shift coming on. I will do my best to let go and trust the universe. I don’t have to know what is going to happen, but I do have some preferences.

Yesterday I read a couple of other people’s blogs for a few hours, and it did so good to simply immerse myself in something else. The endless chatter in my brain stopped for a while. Yeah, even though I’m “healthy” there is still stuff to change about my life. It’s like trying to wear old clothes. After a while, they just don’t fit anymore, or they are falling apart. I was impressed by the prolific writing, positivity, communication, generosity, and empathy. How come it took me so long to get here? I’ve been feeling so isolated on my post-bulimic planet. See, I’m beginning to realize how much more we have in common than the symptoms – and I am delighted!

I feel just a bit insecure. Everyone else is much younger, and so well-versed – in computers and life, it seems. I feel kind of stupid at my age, just realizing things that an almost-30-year-old already knows! But that’s life. And luckily, there are people like that who are sharing their wisdom and experience. We can’t do or be it all. Each of us has something special to offer. We just need to find it.

Living on the outside is lonely at times. It gives me a different perspective on things (not necessarily better or worse, just different), but seems to require a lot of strength which I at times don’t have. I’m kind of rambling today. Two steps forward, one step back. And every ten steps fall down and scrape your knee. You might see something you would have otherwise missed. In the meantime, it will heal. In any case, I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. I don’t want to be concerned about whether or not people like me. On my good days, I don’t care, because I know better. But not every day is so good. I want to make changes in my life, so I am asking for support.

What I’m trying to say is, we are never finished with recovery. There’s always one more level. Like I’ve said before, I think that is the nature of life. We just keep learning and growing. I’m saying this for other people and for myself, because I tend to still have very high expectations and put a lot of pressure on myself. It’s not easy! Today I will summon up my energy and go out for a walk and breathe.

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Entry filed under: life. Tags: , , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. carolynlboyd  |  April 27, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    I love your sentence “We are never finished with recovery.” We are never finished with life and life is never finished with us. So many years I spent waiting, waiting, waiting to grow up, to be wise, to be who I imagined I wanted myself to be. Now that I am older than I can even imagine, I have realized that every day is an adventure and that I will never be finished — a scary thought, but a good one also!

    Thank you! Yes indeed, recovery is life and life is recovery, and it certainly is one adventure after another. That’s a great way to see it – because I associate adventure with curiosity and excitement, which are both essential ingredients. – Martha

    Reply
  • 2. SanityFound  |  April 28, 2008 at 7:49 am

    You know life is full of lessons and healing, it is ever evolving and not one person has the same set of circumstances or the same things happen in their lives. Each of us have our own journey, our own lessons to learn and it is up to us whether we are up to the challenge or not.

    As for the age thing, don’t beat yourself up instead be happy that you are awakening. Can you imagine it only happening when you are well into your 90’s? If a 90 year old were to have the same awakening I am also grateful because of the fact that they awakened – imagine never getting there… Each to their own, it is all about helping each other and realising just how many people go through similar things to us… am proud of you 😀

    Ok, I am up for the challenge and you’re right – I’m grateful to be this far along (and still so young 🙂 and alive). I’m meeting wonderful people and today on the way home, I really enjoyed the view of the mountains in the distance. They are stunning! Life is beautiful! And I am very proud of you, too – just wanted to let you know. Thank you!

    Reply

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