Sunday ramblings and revelations

May 4, 2008 at 2:31 pm 2 comments

I guess I’ll just dive in. I listened to calm music last night to fall asleep, and it wasn’t calm enough!! There was some percussion that kept jolting me. So I need to check out music for falling asleep. That doesn’t really surprise me, being a person of extremes. Now that I have surrendered to the need for calm music, it has to be REALLY calm! I put on the Gregorian chants, and that was better.

While cooking lunch today, my phone rang. It was my sleepyhead daughter calling from upstairs. She’d come home late the night before and had just woken up. With motherly intuition, I answered the phone: “Meals on wheels. How can I help you?” She replied, “I’m hungry. Can you make something with spinach?” I just happened to be making spinach crepes, which is one of her favorite meals. (It is odd: she doesn’t like many vegetables, but she likes spinach.)

Meal preparation is a good time to let one’s stream of consciousness run free. Various thoughts occurred to me. I’m still feeling helpless, as if I don’t have control over my life. I remember the year before my 26th birthday, when I decided it was now or never with recovery, because I had spent half my life as a bulimic. If I didn’t stop at 26, it would become more than half of my life.

I moved here (to my then-boyfriend-now-husband) when I was 23, and this fall I turn 46. Once again, that half-way point of life is lurking in the shadows of my consciousness. Maybe I’m going through this struggle all over again to better show what is involved in recovery – beyond the simple information on how it is possible. I wanted to offer my story as encouragement for recovery. What better way to emphasize that recovery is a life-long process than to share my next big step? It’s a little harder this time, because other people are involved – a husband and two children. Nor do I have any substances to get me through it. Alcohol doesn’t work. Nor do I want to smoke or eat sweets. What to do when there’s nothing left – nowhere to hide? I don’t know yet.

Once I had the necessary determination. I need it again. Maybe the bulimia recovery was just the dress rehearsal to prepare for true emotional recovery. This is the big show – the main performance. (Until the next one, that is!!) I learned to recover, to eat, to take fairly good care of myself, but emotionally didn’t quite restore the complete sense of self worth. Now it’s growing, and it’s a challenge to remain in the daily routine. In fact, I’m changing things step by step.

One very important step in recovery is humility. Every time I start to get too full of myself and think I’m on top of the world, something happens to remind me that I’m like everyone else. I need to remain humble and grateful for each day. That keeps me grounded. I’ve generally been the one to offer advice, be strong, help others, or play a leading role, so it is a strange feeling to be so slow on the path and look to others for guidance. But those ahead of me are also humble, and they encourage me – shining the light and beckoning for me to come join them. That is a wonderful gesture.

Another song from Patti Smith: Peaceable Kingdom (with a nice slide show from the Museum of Natural History – I assume in New York). Just to balance things out a bit. 🙂

 Peaceable Kingdom

Why must we hide all these feelings inside?

Lions and lambs shall abide

Maybe one day we’ll be strong enough

To build it back again

Build the peaceable kingdom

Build it back again 

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Entry filed under: Family/Relationships, friends, life. Tags: , , , , , .

Clear Intentions Obsessing, prophetic winks and book recommendations

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. SanityFound  |  May 4, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    Beautiful song, Patti Smith is brilliant isn’t she! Gregorian Chants haha that is one of the CD’s I bought the other day, one of the ones I walk to lol brilliant!

    One step at a time, everything in life as you say prepares us for the next, all of it learning. Am proud of you, know how hard it can be and what it can take out of you but also know what you can get from it 😀

    Reply
  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  May 5, 2008 at 8:00 am

    I like your optimism! Will focus on the rewards – what I can get out of the experience. So much is a simple matter of interpretation!

    Reply

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