Getting a handle on what I can handle

May 7, 2008 at 12:39 pm 4 comments

I was going to call this the Monday morning ramble, but I just realized it’s Wednesday! No, I’m not totally withdrawn or out of touch with the world, I’m just tired and it’s that Monday morning atmosphere.

I’ve been wondering lately what it is that made me go along with so many things. Looking back, I think I was so thrilled about recovering that I let other things slide. It was ingrained in my head that as long as I wasn’t bingeing and/or puking everything else was fine, and I lost touch. It really is a tightrope act — to balance between being justifiably relieved and thrilled to recover, but then humble enough to acknowledge that there is definitely more to life than the survival mode.

A recognizable pattern is emerging. There is a tendency to make a change, be elated, sail along with this for a while, meanwhile slipping backwards so slowly that it only becomes apparent when this reverse process is rather advanced. Relationships are a good example. We have a really good 4-hour talk and everything comes out. Afterwards, I am exhausted, relieved and optimistic. For a few weeks the communication continues, but at the same time it gradually subsides. Soon enough, the walls are back up, the wordlessness has resumed, and it makes me wonder if anything actually happened. I need to be aware every day of what I am doing.

There is a tendency to get comfortable and rest on one’s laurels, but beware! Resting too long can jeopardize further development. On the other hand, it takes what it takes. If I don’t get it right the first time – or the ninth time – I’ll just keep getting the chance. Every day it is possible to start over, start new. I just bear in mind that things also get more complicated with every new chance, which brings me to the conclusion that I want to deal with as much as possible now. Recently I met with my former therapist. He said, “You’re not the fastest, but you’re steady in your development.” Part of that has to do with the amount of hidden excess baggage that I still carry and only now become aware of. With this new revelation, I think I’d like to accelerate just a tiny bit.

Once it was a comfort to trust that god/higher power only gives us what we can handle. That is comforting, but it contains a challenge as well. When I recognize that there is something to do, that is the time to act on it. Oh, but it’s not easy to know what to do! And then there’s also a balance to maintain between personal issues and concern for those around us. What a world! What a life!

Meanwhile I read the morning paper. An estimated 22,000 people have died from the cyclone in Burma, and 40,000 are missing. Oil is at an all-time high. Yet another case of child sexual abuse has been reported. From the obituary page I see that I’ll be attending a funeral tomorrow. Coma drinking among teenagers is on the rise. And somebody found a bag with 16,000 Euros in it and brought it to the police. The delighted rightful owner rewarded generously. A celebrity announced her engagement to another celebrity’s ex, and my horoscope says I should go for a walk. My thoughts wander and eventually come upon Gilda Radner’s famous words: “It’s always something!”

Ideally I want to remain cheerful and optimistic, open and ready to face each new (or old) challenge as a gift — something to learn from. I want to be patient, not put excessive pressure on myself, yet not procrastinate. I guess that’s where higher power comes in. I think I’ll ask h.p. once again to help me be honest and realistic, and not beat on myself just because I don’t get everything right the first time around.

Here’s another old favorite, to remind us: These ARE the days right now!

Mary Hopkin: Those were the days

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Entry filed under: About Recovery, life. Tags: , , , , , , , .

I wish Housework and self-improvement

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. SanityFound  |  May 7, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    Beautiful song šŸ™‚

    I call the higher power HP Sauce (do you get it where you are?) It can make the blandest food taste yummy šŸ˜€

    Great post, I love it! I often think that when we don’t get it right the first time perhaps that it wasn’t “ready” that more prep needs to be done or other things need to be addressed, the right circumstances, the right moment before we can get it right. Never give up my friend, on yourself or HP Sauce!

    Reply
  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  May 7, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    Maybe the first time around we just didn’t have the right ingredients or needed more sauce! šŸ˜‰ I’ll see if we have it here, because I think I need to stock up on it for the coming year!

    Reply
  • 3. SanityFound  |  May 7, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    lol shall we buy the factory?

    Reply
  • 4. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  May 7, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    Sounds good to me! šŸ™‚

    Reply

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