May 9, 2008 at 7:04 pm 2 comments

I was just about ready to go have some supper, but was writing to someone about weight and (I think) I’d like to share on that. The underlying problems of the bulimic/anorexic are not about weight. I remember wanting to be skinny and weightless, because that was childlike, and I missed being a child. Life seemed so much easier then — looking back, at least. And yet, weight is a major issue, besides learning to love, trust, forgive, mourn, …. and live. Feel free to insert your own issues. Those were my major ones.

I hadn’t really thought about it for a long time, but like I said, I just did. I generally avoid numbers and weights, knowing that we are all so competitive, but I will dare to give some hard numbers. Before I do that, though, I will confess that I am still slim and still concerned about my appearance. In fact, I am practically vain, and don’t think I could stand to be overweight. Recovery doesn’t mean you don’t care about your appearance. You just care differently. For me, it just means accepting my normal weight — which I didn’t get to pick as ideal. My body settled at that all by itself.

So, now to the numbers. I won’t actually give the weight, just comparisons. During my last major relapse-trying-to-recover phase, I weighed around 15 pounds more than at my worst skin-and-bones phase. At that time, I considered it to be the ideal weight, and hoped to recover and keep that weight. It wasn’t enough and I was still starving, so the inevitable binges kept happening. I also couldn’t sleep (ketosis?). Now, get a load of this, I weigh nearly 20 pounds more than that ideal weight. And I am still skinny!!! (But not in an unhealthy way.) These numbers simply knock me over!

I don’t want to brag about weighing so much more than I once did, but I want to state it as a fact of necessity. How many times I actually wished I could magically weigh this much again, because I just couldn’t bear the reality of having to gain the weight back. It was awful. Gaining weight is about giving up control, and I needed to have things under control. Yet, back then when I looked in the mirror, I would gain ten pounds just by looking. At first glance, I would think, “Oh, I’m slim.” Then I’d look closer, and “realize” that I was horribly fat. I never left out an opportunity to look in a mirror, or at my reflection in a store window. I kept hoping to see how I “really” looked, but I wasn’t able to find myself. Not until I looked within and let myself come out.

I think I’d been concerned about looking good, because I felt that what was inside of me was so ugly and deformed, that no one could possibly stand it. So I tried to make up for it by being thin. I know, that’s a strange logic, but it’s how I thought.

It wasn’t until I absolutely surrendered and decided to eat, to do what it takes, and to give up control, that I was able to gain the weight back. Whatever my body settled on, I would accept. I guess the switch was that I really wanted to live, so my body became the vehicle to enable that rather than being my definition. I like my body now. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I like how I feel, too. It’s all part of me, and feels just right. And now I am finally going to go have my supper!

Oh, one more thing. This past summer I had the feeling of going back 30 years and picking up where I left off in my emotional development. (Yes, there are still some issues to be dealt with!) I felt a strong urge to buy the two Supertramp CDs that I had listened to as records back then (Even in the Quietest Moments and Crime of the Century). Many songs I still know by heart. They got me through some of my darkest hours. Here’s a special song.


Rudy’s on a train to nowhere, halfway down the line
He don’t wanna get there, but he needs time
He ain’t sophisticated, nor well-educated
After all the hours he wasted, still he needs time.
He needs time – he needs time for livin’,
He needs time – for someone just to see him.
He ain’t had no lovin’
For no reason or rhyme
And the whole world’s above him.
Well it’s not as though he’s fat
No there’s more to it than that
See he tried to play it cool
Wouldn’t be nobody’s fool.

Rudy thought that all good things comes to those that wait
But recently he could see that it may come too late.

All through your life, all through the years
Nobody loved, nobody cared.
So dim the light, dark are your fears
Try as I might, I can’t hold back the tears
How can you live without love, it’s not fair?
Someone said give but I just didn’t care.
I didn’t dare, I didn’t dare
What good advice are you waiting to hear?
Hearing’s alright for them that’s all there
You’d better gain control now
You’d better show’em all now
You’d better make or break now
You’d better give and take now
You’ll have to push and shove now
You’ll have to find some love now
You’d better gain control now.

Now he’s just come out the movie.
Numb of all the pain,
Sad but in a while he’ll soon be
back on his train…


Entry filed under: About Recovery, self worth/self esteem/body image, Songs that kept me alive. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

Windows Numbers and self-worth

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. vive42  |  May 10, 2008 at 11:47 am

    definitely need to be hearing this around now, thank you!

  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  May 10, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    you’re welcome! 🙂


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