Beyond Bitterness

May 29, 2008 at 2:48 pm 2 comments

Lately I’ve been in the strangest place. After spending a couple of years with bouts of bitterness and regret, a new, calm phase appears to be settling in. I almost feel detached from it all, floating above and simply looking at the situation (i.e. my life) and how things have developed. There are many things I appreciate, many others that I don’t. Now I feel fortunate to be able to view those less appreciated facts as part of the big picture. I look back and can understand how things happened, feel empathy for all people involved, and I feel acceptance.

At the same time, this awareness is calling me to wake up. Life is happening right now, and twenty years down the line I’ll be looking back on this year/phase of the journey. What do I want to see? I want to look back and remember how I learned to stop trying to be so nice and make everybody happy. Not that I have anything against being nice. It’s just when I give up part of myself in the process that it becomes undesirable.

Does this sound too abstract? Okay, I’ll provide a few illustrative examples. The town I’m in is quite sociable. Not the entire population, but there is a core group which is very active. There is always some kind of sports event or celebration going on, at which people stand around, talk, and drink alcohol. That’s not my idea of fun. I suppose if I hadn’t spent so many years of my life being bulimic, anorexic and in recovery, I might not feel such an urge to accomplish things. But that’s how it is. Therefore, for me to stand around, talk loudly over the loud music, drink, and wake up the next day with a hangover and scratchy throat just doesn’t cut it. I just don’t have the time to waste! If I had nothing else I’d rather do, I’m sure I could get into it, but I can’t.

Recently we had such an event and a friend called to ask why I wasn’t there. Rather than lie (headache, tired, depressed, busy, ill), I decided if she is my friend, she will accept me as I am. So I told her that I just don’t feel like being there. That’s how I am. Like it or leave it.

That’s a small example. The big example is my marriage. I’ve moved beyond being hurt, annoyed, humiliated, disappointed, and misunderstood. I admit, I’m still a little angry, but hey, I’m human! I can better understand what brought and kept us together. We both had our weakness, blindness, selfishness and character defects. Mix that all up and you can have one crazy relationship, that’s for sure! I’m totally in limbo, and being financially dependent doesn’t help. I didn’t win the lottery, but I wondered with a wry smile how many women (and men) play the lottery in the hopes of buying themselves free of their position as indentured servant. Okay, I do tend to exaggerate. It’s not THAT bad. But it’s bad enough to merit change.

After that big long talk a while ago, we’ve slipped right back into speechlessness. It’s like quicksand. If you don’t recognize it in time and react appropriately, it relentlessly pulls you down — slowly but surely. Luckily that is only a comparison. It doesn’t work with quicksand, but if you get stuck in speechlessness, you can talk your way out of it!

I’ve decided to write it all down first, collect my thoughts and see how they affect me. See, the problem is, I’m still so afraid of making waves and causing unhappiness, that I tend to block things out almost as soon as they become clear realizations. Putting them into writing makes them more concrete.

This does indeed seem to be a major hurdle in my life. I get so fed up with myself at times, because it is taking me so LONG to deal with this. There are pros and cons, and it is no easy decision. What makes it different this time around is: It’s not easy, but the decision is clear. For myself, I have decided that I want to end things. Now I am in the process of slowly approaching that goal of separation with the least amount of damage for all parties involved. Even though I have repeated a lot of the behavior learned from my parents, I do not intend to repeat their divorce. That I want to do better.

At this point, the serenity prayer is my best bet:
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Up until now, I’ve been pretty darn good at accepting things (and just complaining). I’m working really hard on the wisdom part right now, and then I assume the courage will be the main event.

Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself. Some changes take a lot of repetitions before we finally make them!

Entry filed under: Family/Relationships, life. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

All You Can Eat Carry On

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. SanityFound  |  May 29, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    Never apologise for getting something off your chest, in no way is this a repetition either. You are building up courage and I admire you for each and everything. Hang in there my friend *hugs*

  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  May 29, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    Thank you for your support! 😀


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