Putting off life until you have the right figure

June 9, 2008 at 1:18 pm Leave a comment

Is it still pre-summer diet time, so we can shed those excess pounds from the winter and get in shape? And then our life will finally start? If you detect a cynical note, then we’re on the same wavelength. As I’ve said before, Procrastination is my middle name. Many things I have put off for a better day. Many days I have missed because I was focussing on the future. If I didn’t have so many other things to do today, I’d be tempted to go through my old journals and see how many times I wrote: “Going to … in 3 weeks, 2 months, … whatever — so I have that amount of time to get in shape, lose weight, etc.” Oddly enough, I don’t think I ever attained the goal. Oh, maybe I did, but my lack of memory is perhaps a good indication of how important it was. How many times did I say: “I just have to lose x number of pounds, then I’ll…”

Today I don’t do that with weight or exercise, but I tend to put off socializing until I finish a project. The problem is, I have several long-term projects, so we’re talking about months and years before I can go out, relax and have a good time! This week I went out a few times, and it really was nice. It did me good to just take a break, get out and talk with people, do something different. But now I’ve had my fill and am ready to get back to work.

Life is happening right now, which means that whatever shape my body is in, that’s the shape it’s in — right now. Strangely enough, my process of change was accelerated from the moment I accepted myself as I am — right now. Right now I am the best I can be. Rather than put off life until I’m magically “perfect” someday, I’m living it now. I’m doing my best, and I am okay the way I am. I accept myself.

Perhaps what helped was the realization that change is an ongoing process. So is getting in shape or eating right. I used to think I would get in shape, eat right, and then everything would be perfect. Today I still have the long-term goal of being and staying in shape, and I do what I can at the time. Sometimes I get to the gym twice a week, other times not at all. Sometimes I plan the meals really well, other times… Like Saturday. The night before, I found out that my friend’s son had died. So the next day I was understandably out of it, lacking enthusiasm and energy. I kind of had some breakfast. Everybody was pretty much out of the house and ate elsewhere, so I don’t think I ever got around to lunch for myself, though I had some kind of snack. Supper was not exciting either. In the middle of the night, I was sorry. I hadn’t eaten enough during the day and was hungry and couldn’t sleep, so I got up and made myself a mug of warm milk with a shot of Amaretto, and promised I’d eat more the following day, which I did.

I have discovered that it’s not about being good or bad, it’s about what works. If something doesn’t work one day, then I look for a way to improve it, to enhance the quality of life. No, I don’t have it all figured out. I still to this day have high expectations of myself, and it’s exactly those expectations that cause me the most grief. When I am able to relax and accept my limitations, those days are the best. Oddly enough, those are also the days when I accomplish the most.

When the expectations and pressure are high, I don’t know where to get started, feel overwhelmed, and am known to blow a whole day just dragging around. Rather than scold myself, I’ve begun to accept those days and admit that maybe I just need a day off — to relax. Life isn’t always about getting things done. Even if you’re like me and have a lot of lost time you think you have to make up for, just take it easy. One thing at a time. Often I have more energy and can work better after taking an extended break, rather than working non-stop.

This is definitely a rambler today. I’m tired, haven’t slept well the past few days. I have a lot on my mind, even though I’m trying to quiet the jumble of thoughts and focus a bit. It’s a good day to do laundry — that’s a mindless occupation and still gives me the sense of accomplishment. It’s always helpful to have various activity options available which can be adjusted to my energy level.

Oh, I just had a remarkable flash of insight! Since I managed to screw up so many things in my life and wasted so much time, and nevertheless recovered, that has given me a wonderful sense of broadened perspective and enhanced appreciation for the variety of life experience. Life is indeed an adventure, one’s very own personal discovery expedition. Well, since the kids will be home from school soon, I think I’ll go into the kitchen and see if I can discover something to cook for lunch! (If that expedition is fruitless, there’s still time for a quick run to the store.)


Entry filed under: life, self worth/self esteem/body image. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Fear of Recovery Greetings!

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