Life it’s a changin’

June 23, 2008 at 8:49 am Leave a comment

When you go through life with horse blinders, you won’t see much to either side. How do I know? Well, as far as my chances on the job market are concerned, that has been my approach. Needless to say, but yes I AM saying it: I didn’t see any opportunities. All I saw was a 45 and ¾-year-old who hadn’t worked in 18 years, who had no experience in her field except a 6-week stint in practical experience for her degree in psychology. So for a while, I thought: “I would like a job, but I’m too old to get started.” Of course, having seen the film American Beauty, I did think about working at a fast food place. But that would be a last resort because I can’t stand the smell. (Still, being human, I can get used to almost anything!)

The turning point came when I decided I had to find a job, so it was time to look at my resources instead of my deficits. I also talked with friends about it. Through this process, I now see many possibilities and actually may have a job. I’ll know more by the end of this week. My blinders were: “You are too old and you have no experience.” When I told myself that I had to and would find a job, I was able to take off those blinders. All of a sudden my peripheral vision showed me possibilities, which continue to widen and expand.

Yesterday afternoon I dug out my curriculum vitae and wrote an introductory letter to accompany it. Writing that letter, I got in touch with a lot of my positive aspects, and by evening I was thinking to myself: “Hey, you’re not in such bad shape after all! Just because you didn’t have a paying job for all those years does NOT mean you sat around on your butt! You were busy with other things.” As a matter of fact, I really didn’t have time for a job – and still don’t, but at the moment, the need to stand on my own two feet financially is top priority.

One of my favorite activities is going off on a tangent, so here we go. Lately I’d had the feeling that by not having to work for so long, I had begun to lose touch with normal life. My problems and what I take for granted would be considered luxury for much of the world’s population. That is a sad truth. This sense of losing touch began to bother me, becoming an uncomfortable pressure which told me that something is wrong. It was never my goal to live in a higher sphere materially, but that is what happened – almost without my realizing it.

On the one hand, there was a subconscious need for sure comfort, because I had suffered bitterly as a child. But the healthy part of me never wanted more than her fair share. These two forces battled inside of me, and the circumstances of my life did their share as well. Over the years I have realized just how deeply that suffering and fear from the past had become rooted inside of me. Thankfully, the circle draws to a close as I return to the pure, healthy me from before all the drama started. “Pure” is meant in the sense of unadulterated Martha — NOT perfect, just ME! Thus I realize that material comfort is too high a price to pay if I cannot be myself.

There are definitely some pains and slight regrets as I recognize what is entailed in a regular job – that vacation time and activities will depend on more than just whether or not my husband is here to take care of the kids. As I said, I don’t know if I’ll get the job or not. That I am totally leaving up to Higher Power. This brings me back to Amber’s comment about being obedient, and it truly is more apt than I wanted to admit. I will follow my destiny wherever it leads – as I have up until now, but with more awareness, courage and willingness (i.e. surrender — ouch!!) than ever before.

As usual, I’m not telling you all this just to bare my soul. There is a hidden agenda which I will reveal. If anyone finds herself in a similar situation, I hope to encourage her to look at her assets rather than put herself down for what she didn’t accomplish etc. There is always something we can do, some forgotten ability we can recycle and use to our advantage. Don’t give up!!!

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Entry filed under: going back to work, life. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

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