Pulling the rug out from under my feet

July 7, 2008 at 6:34 pm 2 comments

When I was still in the throes of rampant bulimia, every so often I would have a phase of recovery – a day, a week, 6 weeks, even a month or two – and then have a relapse. I used to feel guilty because I felt that I was letting everyone down or making other people suffer, but then I realized they weren’t suffering. They just cared. I felt pressured to recover because I was supposed to be nice to myself. I was supposed to do things, supposed to be enthusiastic, but I wasn’t. I just kind of slogged along, existing, hoping that something better would come my way.

The other day I realized two things, and decided something else: I realized I am incredibly strong. I am a survivor who has been through hell and came out standing tall. The second realization is that I am feeling tired these days. It takes a lot of energy to do it all alone. Thus my decision: I decided I will accept the help offered (as long as I consider it to be helpful and truly want it), and also seek help when appropriate. I am tired of being strong all the time, and now I finally realize that help can be accepted. (This reminds me of when I finally decided to go to therapy and stop the bulimia. It’s just a different level.)

When I was still sick, not only could I not accept help, but I also was terrified of recovery. No, it wasn’t so much the recovery. I was afraid to believe in myself. I was afraid to admit that I was going for it, that I hoped to recover. Why? Because I was afraid that someone would once again pull the rug out from under me. That was my biggest fear. In fact, I was so afraid that someone else would do it, that I used to screw things up all by myself to beat them to it. Yes, let’s call it: Martha’s Major Trauma: The Rug. Today while writing to someone, it occurred to me that what is different now is that I am an adult. It’s harder to pull the rug out when an adult is standing on it, as opposed to an 11-year-old. Adults are not only heavier and stronger, but they have more say in the matter as well.

Then came a further realization: I’m getting ever closer to pulling the rug out from under me all by myself, because I actually don’t like it. I want to see what happens when it’s gone, but I’m still scared, so I’m still in the process of just picturing it and how I’ll do it. There simply is something scary about standing on the rug and pulling on it at the same time. Maybe that isn’t even possible. I think I will have to step off of it first, even though there’s no ground around it anywhere. I can’t see past the edges yet. No hurry, but I’ve written 3 or 4 pieces on this daring project, and realized they all sound the same. That means: My thoughts are clear, my feelings are clear, and I know what I’m doing and why. There is a saying: If you can dream it, you can achieve it. These days I’m trying to get in as much dream time as possible!

There are always more possibilities in life, just waiting to be found. All that we’ve learned and seen thus far isn’t everything. It can be frightening to go off and explore on your own, but how else can you expect to discover anything new? That reminds me of something I read by InSanityFound earlier today. Right now, writing about the various possibilities helps me sort things through, keeping in mind that it can’t be done all at once. Step by step.

Since we just celebrated Independence Day (yes, I am a U.S. citizen), here’s Lady Liberty and the Declaration of Independence feat. Bill of Rights with an interesting take on current events.

I will survive!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along
And now you’re back, from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second you’d be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live I’ve got all my love to give
I’ll survive I will survie hey hey
(music)
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
And tried so hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high
And you see me..somebody new,
I’m not that chained up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
But now I’m saving all my loving for someone who’s loving me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive
Ive got all my life to live I’ve got all my love to give
I’ll survive..I will survive ohh go on now go
Walk out the door
just turn around now cause you’re not welcome anymore…

Advertisements

Entry filed under: Help and Strength. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

School’s Out! Thoughts on another good book

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. InSanityFound  |  July 8, 2008 at 10:08 am

    Beautiful, there is a saying that I live by now a days, perhaps I have always done so.

    “Life happens while you are making other plans”

    Reply
  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  July 8, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    I think John Lennon said that. It’s definitely so true!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


What's on my mind


%d bloggers like this: