On finding myself

July 28, 2008 at 3:33 pm 4 comments

Once upon a time I never would have believed that I can simply be the way I am. It took an incredibly long time to recognize and accept the person I’ve always been. Now, in retrospect, it seems absurd that I would have tried to change myself, and yet I was convinced of the necessity – because I wasn’t good enough.

A while ago, I found an old love letter. I thought I’d gotten rid of them all, but this one had hidden in a book – saving itself, only willing to reveal itself when I was ready.

Last year I found the letter – my unattainable true love told me that he loved me, and that if it helped to send me positive thoughts, I would feel better, because he sent them all the time – “today and forever”. He asked me to come visit him – for selfish reasons, as he put it, and said he wanted to show me things. He also said that he didn’t have a lot of free time, but we would be able to do things.

What did I interpret? He loves me, but in a generous, humane kind of way – like we love our fellow men. You know, that basic compassion. I did not believe that he could love me as a woman. And anyway, he didn’t have time for me. (Now I assume that meant that he wouldn’t be able to take much time off from work.)

It was a real eye-opener to find this ancient letter, to read and understand it now, and to know how I read and interpreted it back then. Amazing.

Amazing how distorted our perception can be when we don’t believe we are loveable or that we deserve to be happy. I couldn’t believe in love, because I hated myself. To this day, I cannot believe the insanity.

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Entry filed under: love. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

Faith in the future Determination

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Rita  |  July 28, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    It is amazing to be able to look back to where we use to be and then to discover how much we have grown.

    Rita

    Reply
  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  July 28, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    That’s the bittersweet magic of keeping a journal. We can see how we’ve grown, but also recognize the mistakes we made. I try to take it with a grain of salt, and have compassion for that troubled young woman of my past. Thanks for stopping by!

    Reply
  • 3. SanityFound  |  July 28, 2008 at 9:13 pm

    How we move forward, we grow, learn, evolve always amazes me… its constant, soon 😀

    Reply
  • 4. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  July 29, 2008 at 9:03 am

    Kind of like your story about the dice! We are dealt a hand, but it’s what we do with it, how we evolve and learn that matters. Look forward to hearing from you whenever! 🙂

    Reply

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