I don’t deserve it

July 31, 2008 at 9:32 am 4 comments

This little affirmation is not to be taken lightly. It is extremely powerful. For quite some time, it has been lurking in the shadows. The other night before going to bed, I checked my emails, and my trusted spiritual ally zapped me with an invitation to chat.

Once again we set off into the realm of exchanging news and spiritual discovery and insight. I mentioned that job I’d been hoping for. Last week I’d turned it down, explaining that I won’t be ready to work until September, and that I fully understand that they need to fill the position now.

Just that afternoon, I’d wondered if I’d hear from them again. That same afternoon I’d also come to the conclusion that the universe must have more than one job opportunity for me in this lifetime. (I worked as a young woman, but spent the past 18 years going to school and raising children.) In the evening, the director called to tell me that they still want me.

I told her that I’m still very interested. She asked me why I hadn’t been more persistent. I explained that I didn’t expect special treatment and thought I’d lost the chance because of my infirmity.

My spiritual friend said I was despondent after the accident. She’s right. My hopes had been high, and then they were dashed. In the hospital I gave up and asked for a mood-improving medication, which I received and used for a few days.

Why did I give up? What’s the title of this post? Deep down, I’m still carrying that affirmation: “I don’t deserve it.” Rather than fighting, begging them to wait for me, I consoled myself with thoughts like: “Oh, I probably wouldn’t have done a good job anyway. They’ll find someone better. It just wasn’t meant to be.” I even thought: “They’ll find someone who deserves it more.”

The funny thing is, this job literally fell into my lap and I really want it. It doesn’t pay a lot, but it’s very interesting and would give me work experience. Still, I did have to write a curriculum vitae and letter of application. I wrote both in my own style, rather than consult “how to apply for a job” – figuring, if they wanted me after reading the letter, then that was good. If not, then I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t going to write a letter to try and present myself in a better light. The director thanked me for the personal letter.

Oh, but there is hope! I actually wrote and sent the application after the accident! But I gave up when I realized how long it would take to recover.

“I don’t deserve it” is devastating and harmful. Rather than go into more detail, suffice it to say that I would have lived differently without it. Rather than explain what I messed up, allow me to offer some affirmations.

I deserve the job.

I deserve to go to college.

I deserve to live alone.

I deserve to say No.

I deserve to be loved for who I am.

I deserve to relax.

I deserve to take the time to do a good job.

I deserve to feel good about myself.

I deserve to express my opinion.

I deserve to be happy.

Maybe I’ve touched on a nerve? Or maybe you have other ideas about what you deserve? Think about it!

P.S. Some of you might have noticed, there is also an underlying aspect of letting go here, which I just cannot resist pointing out. I did what I could and then I let go. In the past, I might have accepted the job and gone to work too soon, risking further injury. This time I decided I had to look out for myself and my health, as it wouldn’t really help anyone for me to knock myself out. (But boy did I feel guilty making such a big deal out of my needs and limitations!) And what happened? The universe was there for me!

So in retrospect I see the lesson: Do what I can. Let go. Trust in the universe. What is meant to be, will be. That is beyond my control. There is plenty of space to actively make an effort, but letting go and acceptance are also important.


Entry filed under: Affirmations. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

Determination Confidence

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. SanityFound  |  July 31, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Wow and once again I can’t stop grinning! This is so honest, from both the heart and soul, it is beautiful! What will be will be, live for today, do what you can for today one step at a time! I am so proud of you huns, seriously!

  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  August 1, 2008 at 11:00 am

    Heart and soul is the way to go! You’ve helped me get to the point beyond it being just theoretical knowledge. Thanks so much!

  • 3. Njord  |  August 1, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    Njord doesn’t know what this heart and soul bull they’re talking about is, but you finally realized you’re actually living a life with that body of yours. A lot of people think that they don’t “deserve” certain things and that is completely false, only because it’s not selfish or crazy to put your priorities first. The happiness you give yourself with definitely radiate out and touch others, so long as you are truly happy.
    ~Njord the Wise

  • 4. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  August 1, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    The heart and soul bull is just about listening to that inner voice. Some people are lucky to realize that it’s not selfish or crazy to put their priorities first, as you said. I guess a lot of others (myself included) grow up having it indoctrinated into them that it is indeed selfish and crazy to look after themselves.

    I think you are very wise to say that happiness will radiate out and touch others. That is so true and good to hear — as encouragement. Thank you.
    ~ Martha the Searcher


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