What’s a miracle?

August 9, 2008 at 11:44 am 3 comments

I don’t know what happened. I wrote this piece and then hit a key by accident and damaged the document and I don’t seem to be able to get it back. Needless to say, the first version was better, but I’ll try.

Since I’m asking the question, you can be sure I have an answer in mind. My daughter just called to ask me if I think it’s a good idea for her to take a cab home, since it’s turned rainy and cold. I told her it’s a very good idea.

Why is that a miracle? It’s a miracle because her voice was different. She somehow seemed more open. For the past few years she’s been angry and distant. I understand that because I’ve felt the same way, though I tried to hide it. I was disappointed with my marriage and continually withdrew into my own little world. I had my hobbies and pursued them with a vengeance bordering on obsession. Only recently did I realize what was actually happening – that I was abandoning what I love most in this world.

There had been much anger and disappointment. Many times I’d thought to myself: “If my husband doesn’t come through, why should I?” Meanwhile I was blind to the fact that I was giving up and withdrawing from my children as well.

During the past six months, I have had many revelations. Now that I have come clear about my feelings and rediscovered things close to the heart, there is a new energy inside me. Instead of going through the motions with the sense that I’m just doing my duty until I’m finished, there is a connection there. Love has come back. I deserve to express my love for my children. I have a right to give them my support, time and love, regardless of how things are with my husband. I refuse to punish myself or my children any longer by resigning from life. I am now taking steps for change, following them in trust, as I don’t see the big picture just yet.

It has been painful to recognize my resignation and withdrawal – and the insanity in such behavior. I am sad and not at all proud of what happened. I made a lot of mistakes during the past 16 years. Adolescence is not the optimal time to set about trying to correct these mistakes. On the other hand, if that’s when the realization comes, that’s when it’s time to fix things. At this late date it will take more effort, but it is possible. I will not give up.

This is a difficult post to write. I’ve read various blogs by mothers who are totally there for their families. They are involved in working relationships with their spouses and they are devoted to their children. Often I feel a tinge of envy when I read their posts. I am ashamed to say that I failed miserably in this department. Yet I did the best I could at the time. And now my eyes are opened and I see the damage done. Today I view these successful mothers as encouraging possibilities, and I can let go of the envy.

The path I’m on is the path I’m on. There is no other way to go. So, for today, I am working to build the bridge back to my children. I let them down and we have all suffered because of it. My daughter suffered especially. She is very sensitive and aware. Plus she is disappointed in me as a role model. But lately, through the realization of what happened, memories have returned. I remember how happy I was when they were born, how I marvelled at their development. I remember all the things I did with them when they were younger, and how I used to spend days just watching them in amazement (and with pride). I remember the fun we had. All is not lost. When love is there, healing can occur.

In the meantime, I’ve also learned not to beat on myself for past mistakes. That doesn’t help. It is much more helpful to assess the situation and see what can be done to improve it.

Tonight the connection has been reinstated. Does she sense what is happening? Have I already changed so much that she feels the difference? Was it simply because I bent over and kissed her goodbye on the top of her head before she went out tonight? (She was sitting down, otherwise I’d have to stand on my tip-toes!) Does it matter?

A miracle is love.

 

 

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Entry filed under: children, Family/Relationships, love. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

The confidence connection Sunday’s Goddesses

3 Comments Add your own

  • […] sad.  I am because you are, As One, equal, we can solve so many of the world problems.  What’s a miracle? the fact that perhaps I think it is possible? No, there are miracles everywhere we just choose not […]

    Reply
  • 2. SanityFound  |  August 14, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    I have re written this comment many times and many days and each time I just get overwhelmed. I think it is so beautiful that you and your daughter are getting along better. Keep at it and don’t give up. She is lucky to have you!

    Reply
  • 3. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  August 15, 2008 at 10:49 am

    And I’m lucky to have her! 🙂

    Reply

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